


Things We Lost and Things We Gain

by teamchaosprez



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Anxiety Disorder, Childbirth, F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, Nightmares, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pregnancy, Social Anxiety, baby malachite later, overworked and overstressed peridot, rose is best mom, selectively mute lapis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-16
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-04-09 14:30:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 31
Words: 60,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4352501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teamchaosprez/pseuds/teamchaosprez
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lapis Lazuli was captured, beaten, abused, kept locked away behind a mirror for at least a year. Peridot, a young intern at the hospital, volunteers to take her in. Once she get pasts Lapis' wall, she finds herself the one person this young woman trusts and can open up to with everything she experienced.</p><p>Chapter 20 is the one with most of the triggering stuff, because it's when rape is described somewhat explicitly. Please skip it if you don't think you can handle it.</p><p>TUMBLR FOR QUESTIONS: teamchaosprez<br/>TRACKED TAG ON TUMBLR: twltwg</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. They Found Her, She'll Keep Her

**Author's Note:**

> As of right now it is 12:07 in the morning and I don't feel like going back and rereading this again because I know I'll chicken out and decide not to publish it. I'll try and have another, better and longer chapter out sometime after the sun comes up, I promise.

They had found a girl.

After storming the house and arresting the small gang of women that had been responsible for a large murder spree that had taken the city by storm for years, one of the officers had found a hidden door behind a mirror. More curious than anything, he had pried the door open and journeyed inside.

And found a girl.

Her skin was a dark olive tone. Her dark hair was splayed out around her head – sloppily cut short by her captors – and her dark blue eyes were wide open, staring at the ceiling. There were whip marks on her stomach, her arms, her back... and some blood on her thighs. She wore nothing but a worn gray t-shirt and was cuffed to the wall. She had given up a fight when she had to be removed from the room, to the point she had to be tranquilized and carried out.

In the hospital, it was determined that she had suffered severe trauma, had been beaten mercilessly on at least one occasion, held captive for at least a year. She had been raped several times, and she seemed to have trouble speaking.

A DNA test hadn't been hard to perform, and it was matched to a girl named Lapis Lazuli. Many of her medical and legal records were unavailable; no parents could be found, no family at all. There was consideration of putting her into a mental hospital, but the notion itself seemed to terrify her; she didn't want to be surrounded by doctors longer than she already had to, apparently.

Nobody seemed to have any idea what to do with Lapis Lazuli. She would not talk, she was mostly unresponsive unless she was in a state of panic. It would probably have been decided that she would be sent to a mental hospital, if one of the interns in charge of the security system in the psychiatric wing had not spoken up.

Peridot was this particular young woman's name. She was not much older than Lapis Lazuli, in fact. She was an excellent hacker and coder, and knew the basics of how to calm a hysterical patient. Nobody could really see the harm in letting her try and take care of this particular subject; a doctor would visit daily, and she could always taker Lapis Lazuli back to the hospital if she needed to.

And so upon the hospital's closing, Peridot approached the patient in her room. She knelt by the bed and gently took the other female's hand in her own. “I'm going to take you home with me,” she spoke as softly as she could. The intern was very easily annoyed, and it had been a long day, so this was a tad difficult and took all of her willpower to act gently.

The darker girl did not respond aside from slowly getting to her feet and nodding. Peridot offered an arm, but she did not take it. The intern scoffed and just grumbled a “follow me,” leading Lapis out of the room and into the hallway, downstairs and to the parking lot.

“You're going to have to talk eventually.”

Silence still. A second, decidedly more annoyed sigh from Peridot as she opened the door from the slightly taller girl. Once she was sure Lapis was in the car and buckled in, the intern moved to the driver's side and pulled out of the driveway. “If you don't talk to me, I won't be able to help you. I won't be able to figure out what you want from you giving everyone the silent treatment,” she spoke again, green eyes glancing over at the traumatized girl. A third sigh was let out when she realized that Lapis wasn't even looking at her.

“Alright. Fine.” Peridot grumbled, reverting her gaze back to the road as she drove. “As long as you cooperate, I guess we won't have any problems.”


	2. Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lapis is a stubborn shit that wants to keep a kid she has no clue how to raise, keeps this secret like an idiot, and cuts her hair. Poor Peridot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT THIS TOOK ME A REALLY LONG TIME I'M SO SORRY. I DON'T EVEN HAVE AN EXCUSE.

Lapis awoke at about three in the morning to find that she was _extremely_ nauseous. It wasn't as if this occurrence was new to her; with the exception of the time she'd been in the hospital, every morning for the past two months she had awoken with the feeling she was about to vomit. The girl had learned how to hold it back; she wasn't an _idiot,_ she knew exactly what this meant.

She was pregnant with her rapist's baby at eighteen.

Lapis knew  _exactly_ which one the other parent was. A tall transgender woman built like a tank. She thought she'd heard the name Jasper tossed around. And more importantly, she knew that the women she'd been kidnapped by would have absolutely no qualms of killing off this baby. She also was unwilling to talk to anyone, and she knew if she let this particular suspicion pass by the doctors they would probably put her through an abortion.

Why did she want it? She had no clue. Maybe she was just soft.

Regardless, ugh, this morning sickness was particularly bad. She couldn't just ignore it like she ignored it every other morning; it was eating up her insides, and she could practically feel the vomit creeping up her throat already.

Trying to be as quiet as possible, she lowered herself to the carpeted floor of the spare room and crept out to the hallway. She glanced down the stretch of floor and located the door she remembered Peridot pointing out to her as the bathroom. Rushed steps, expertly quieted by the position of her feet, led her to the room rather quickly.

She moved as fast as she could to the toilet and, sadly, neglected to recall that she would have to quiet her gags so as not to wake the young woman in the next room.

Peridot sat up with a groan, rubbing her forehead and ignoring her messier-than-usual blonde hair. Being used to living alone and only about half awake, it took her several moments to remember that Lapis was staying with her and realize that  _oh shit, my guest is sick._

She grabbed her thick-lensed green glasses off her nightstand and pushed them up her nose, quickly hopping out of bed and rushing into the next room. She kneeled next to Lapis and put a gentle hand on the other girl's back; having been an intern at a hospital for about a year, the smell of vomit didn't really bother her as much as it used to.

Peridot did notice when Lapis tensed up at the contact, and pulled her hand away, opting instead for holding her charge's hair from her face. A pang of pity hit the intern as she averted her eyes.

After a little while, it was finished, and the slightly older of the two prepared a warm washcloth before handing it to Lapis. The traumatized girl washed her face off with a slight groan and a nod of thanks. 

“What a way to wake up,” the nerd commented tiredly, rubbing her face. “I'm going to need to report to the doctors that you fell ill...”

She was interrupted when Lapis grabbed her arm, shaking her head rapidly, terror evident in her blue eyes. Peridot froze up, unsure on how to continue. She'd never seen such fear on anyone's face before, not even when patients from the ER were being rolled in.

“Lapis... if you're experiencing any side effects from anything, the doctors need to know about it. Even the tiniest cough could mean something. You were locked away in horrible conditions for a year. Nobody wants you to hurt any further.” She spoke, trying to keep her face soft and her voice calm as she spoke to the girl in her care.

Lapis sniffled, tears building up in her eyes. Honestly, Peridot was surprised she had remained responsive for this long; last night, she'd only been able to concentrate long enough to give tiny nods or shakes of the head when asked if she needed food or water.

“You're doing good right now though... maybe... maybe if you keep responding to me like this for a few days I'll hold off telling the doctors.” She promised herself that this was just trying to get Lapis's mental state on the way to recovery. Or maybe she was just softening up far quicker than she would have liked. “You need to reply to my questions with little gestures, because as soon as you stop and go back to zoning out ninety percent of the time I'll tell your doctor exactly what happened this morning because I'll have assumed you gave up on avoiding it. Sound fair?”

Lapis pouted, but nodded. She figured this was her best bet at the moment, just going along with what Peridot said. It would hurt to ground herself for longer than a few minutes, but she could do it, for the sake of her baby.

“Maybe we can work our way up to having you talk and respond with words.”

Lapis squinted, and Peridot knew that was a little bit of a stretch. “Okay, okay. Gestures it is then. Now, let's get you back to bed.”

~~

After helping her charge back into bed, Peridot collapsed onto her bed with a heavy sigh, staring up at the ceiling. Glow-in-the-dark stars stared back at her, and for the millionth time since moving out she wondered why on Earth she'd felt the need to put the things up.

She took off her glasses and set them on the bedside, covering her face with her hands and letting out a loud groan.  _Ugh,_ she could get fired for withholding information, but she just didn't have the heart to sell out that girl to people she was obviously afraid of, even if they were trying to help.

Why  _was_ Lapis so afraid of having doctors find out she was getting sick, anyway? Doctors were _paid_ to assist the sickly. Peridot figured she would have to find out; she would have to build up this girl's trust until she decided to tell the intern what she was so afraid of.

“I'm in deep shit,” she said to herself, closing her tired eyes with another heaving sigh. Sleep sounded divine right about now, and sleep she would have; Lapis had seemed just as tired as she was, and she figured the girl was already passed out by now.

Her thoughts turned to mush almost as soon as she closed her eyes, and a light snore left her as she fell into a dreamless sleep that would carry her to morning.

Meanwhile, Lapis had turned from her back to her side and had a hand over her lower stomach. She moved her gaze to her abdomen, flat for now but probably going to start swelling soon. She had no idea how pregnant she was; she was violated almost every day by at least one of the women, and Jasper had been one of the most frequent offenders.

Still, she had no idea why she wanted this child so badly. Maybe because she didn't feel so... alone. With another being inside of her, she felt a little bit less lonely. Yes, that was probably it. She sighed and removed the hand from her stomach, moving it to her shoulder length hair and ruffling the locks a bit.

It had once been long, but it had always been dark. She figured it might be nice to dye it eventually, to a lighter color. Maybe one a bit more unnatural. She wanted to leave behind  _everything_ that had happened to her in her entire life, from her mother's neglect to the kidnapping and the constant abuse. She wanted to reinvent herself.

She wanted to become a new and improved Lapis Lazuli, to get better and build herself a  _new_ home and a  _new_ life. And her life philosophy had always been to do something drastic to her hair as soon as shit started getting real. Of course, the first couple times had been shoddy self-done haircuts.

Nah, this time there was going to be an  _excellent_ self-done haircut. If she was going to improve her health she was going to have to look neat when she did it. She crept back out of the bed and to the door, tiptoeing to Peridot's room and smiling a bit, victorious, when she heard snores coming from the other girl's bed.

Lapis moved to the kitchen to get a pair of scissors before padding to the bathroom, almost silently. She cursed how small the apartment was, and how thin the walls were. But she figured she could get this done quickly and easily as she faced the mirror, ignoring the pang in her chest when she saw her reflection. No. Her reflection was not going to scare her anymore.

She figured out exactly how short she wanted it. Midway point between her shoulder and her chin in the front, and at her neckline in the back. She held the spot she wanted to cut between her middle and pointer fingers, brought the scissors close, and....

_Sssssnip._ A dark brown – almost black – chunk of hair fell and hit the porcelain of the sink. Her heart leaped in her chest. She was really doing this, and there would be no negative reinforcement from her mother later. Randomly, she remembered that it was January, and her eighteenth birthday would have been a couple of months ago. She was an  _adult._

She continued cutting her hair gleefully until it was at the length she wanted it. She tossed the leftover hair into the garbage bin under the sink with a certain smug triumph in her movements.

Now, the next problem was how on Earth she was supposed to get her hands on hairdye. But she realized with a yawn that she was exhausted, and that it would probably be better to just figure that out in the morning.

Lapis made her way back to her room and flopped onto the bed, fast asleep by the time her head hit the pillow.

 


	3. Internal Conflict is a Bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis tries to hide from her problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to my friend chaos for helping me out with this chapter
> 
> UPDATE 11/8/2015: Changed one word due to continuity error

Peridot didn't question the change of hairstyle the next morning, although she did give Lapis an odd look before shrugging and going back to her cereal. This was a bit of a relief for the young woman, who didn't care for vocalizing her motives.

Also to Lapis' relief, Peridot kept their deal and _also_ made up an excuse for her haircut – something about it being obnoxious and getting in her eyes too much. The visit went smoothly, although Lapis had quite a bit of discomfort while sitting through it. The doctor asked some standard questions that she could move her head yes or no to, simple enough.

As the week went by, she found herself becoming more and more used to her freedom, and while she still avoided speaking she was comfortable with walking around and exploring the apartment. On occasion, while Peridot slept, she would sneak onto the computer in the spare bedroom and do some research regarding her pregnancy and some things she could do to help herself cope with her experiences.

More and more days came, however, where Lapis would wake up and become sick. Her morning sickness was becoming more frequent, and Peridot was becoming more and more concerned. She could tell from the way that the intern would try and convince her to let a doctor help with this problem. She was . . . oddly touched that the other cared so much. Not even her own mother would have argued with her on something this long.

Lapis knew that, eventually, she was going to have to tell Peridot. Sometimes she would click her tongue and get an expectant stare only to go silent and glance at the ground in silence again. Each time this elicited an exasperated sigh – she knew that the other girl was getting impatient with her, but she couldn't bring herself to use her voice for fear of being punished as she was while she was captive. Just thinking about talking piled massive amounts of distress onto her, and brought a flashback a little closer. She preferred to keep her thoughts to herself and avoid the act of speaking.

As she melted into a routine, however, time seemed to slow itself down and drag out. She was actually _bored_ for the first time in a year, and while she was relieved that her resting emotion was no longer fear she also didn't seem to be enjoying herself much. Considering she'd been fairly restless most of her life, she really had no clue what to do with herself.

Her sleeping schedule was screwed as well, and she really had no will to fix it. She would sleep a few hours during daylight and five hours at night. This resulted in her being awake while Peridot slept, and even though it was quite creepy it led her to finding a way to pass the time.

She seemed to enjoy watching Peridot sleep.

Lapis would tiptoe to the door of her host's room and peek in, watching the pale girl's breath move the covers she slept under and listening to her breathing. Sometimes she would sneak in and sit by the other girl's bed to watch her face, the way it would sometimes scrunch up into a disgruntled position before settling back into a pout. Often, she'd think while she watched Peridot's expressions – what was it like to sleep so peacefully, free of night terrors? would she be mad if she woke up right now? - and sometimes, her thoughts ventured into the more tender territory...

And she hated herself for it. She hated that she could possibly trust someone and think these things so soon after being abused in such a way, or even experience emotions like this again at all. Lapis would constantly try and convince herself that she did  _not_ like Peridot, that she was only thinking this way because she was being treated kindly or because she was pregnant.

Yet, she often wondered what it would be like to be loved. To be held closely and know that she was safe. Her parents had been neglectful at best, and she hadn't been in many relationships at all through high school – or at least, not ones that meant anything. This made the internal conflict even worse; was she  _really_ developing a crush, or was she just searching for something she could not have?

She stopped watching Peridot sleep less than two weeks after she'd started. In fact, she shut herself away a little; she began only coming out of the spare room she'd been confined to for food or the bathroom, began allowing herself to fall victim to the night terrors more easily as a sort of punishment. This could not be good for her or her child and she knew it, but she was so thoroughly  _angry_ with herself that she seemed to have lost the ability to think logically.

As for Peridot, well, she couldn't lie about how worried she was about her charge. She'd been allowing Lapis to stay with her for a month now, and if anything she'd become even more cold and distant. It wasn't until one evening in mid-February did she decide to confront the younger woman about it as gently as she was capable (which wasn't very, even with her trying).

She knocked on the wooden door, not even bothering to wait for an answer before she opened the door and stomped in...

Finding Lapis asleep.

She frowned and approached slowly, tilting her head at the position the other woman was in. Her right arm was over her stomach, fingers curled protectively just under her navel; the left was supporting her head as a sort of makeshift pillow. Her legs were curled slightly, face scrunched up in an expression of... almost pain.

_Is she having a nightmare?_ Peridot silently knelt by the bed and put a hand on Lapis' shoulder, starting to shake her gently.

“Hey, hey. Wake up. It's just a dream, you're okay!”

Lapis shot upward in bed, making the nerd jump a little and clutch her chest. They seemed equally startled, just staring at each other, for a few moments. Peridot could tell that the other's nerves were frayed, and so she quietly reached a hand to put it on her shoulder. The other girl flinched a little, but did not pull away, so the intern quietly and awkwardly kept her hand in place, hoping the physical contact would calm the slightly smaller girl efficiently.

It seemed to work, because soon enough Lapis seemed to have regained her composure and shrugged the other's hand off. Peridot silently reminded herself to  _be gentle_ before she talked.

“You've been avoiding me lately,” she started softly. Okay, so far so good, “and I'd like to know why. I mean, I've been nice enough to you, haven't I? I haven't done anything wrong, right?” Oh god she's slipping. “Because if I've done something wrong, you need to tell me, and it's bad enough that you weren't telling me why you kept getting sick, and I have some really bad issues so you gotta  **tell me** these things, Lapis!”

“Are you.... crying?”

She had to do a bit of a double take. This was the first time she'd ever heard Lapis' voice – and she could tell it was the first time it had been used in a while, considering the sound was rough and quiet. Upon letting her eyes meet the other girl's face, she realized that the poor thing was staring at her like she might get hit.

…. And, oh shit, she  _ was  _ crying a little.

“... No.” She quietly rubbed her eyes. “But thank you for talking. I appreciate it. Do you mind an explanation?”

“... I... didn't mean to make you feel bad. I'm just... mad at myself.”

“For what?”

“That's not your business.”

Fair enough. “Well, please stop avoiding me. You can't solve your problems just by running away from them.”

“... Okay. I'll... try.”

 


	4. Spill It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Peridot finally gets Lapis to convince what she's been hiding, and proceeds to take it surprisingly well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY THIS WASN'T UP YESTERDAY. I forgot about it until just now lmao.

The conversations were slow, rare, and far-between at first. Peridot would ask Lapis how her day had gone, Lapis would respond that it was fine, they would stop talking for the rest of the evening. Within a week, however, the younger of the two was asking her host intelligent and complete questions, the rough edge to her voice fading the more she used it.

Peridot would give her honest answers, and oddly enough, she found herself liking the sound of her guest's voice. Every time she was opened up to, it would bring a rare giddy emotion into her heart. A part of her started to crave the attention of this young woman, though she often smothered this part down, believing that the younger did not want her attention. And she _certainly_ didn't allow the notion that she had a **crush** on Lapis Lazuli develop very far.

It seemed that Lapis was feeling safer, however, the more mentally stable she was deemed and the more the doctors backed off. By the time their first month together had passed, they were down to an appointment every week that wasn't even a home visit. The professionals often praised Lapis for the progress she was making, telling her that they may be able to peg her down to a monthly therapist visit if she kept up the good work.

However, the safer she felt the more she was able to sleep. And the more she slept, the more night terrors she experienced, waking in the middle of the night in a cold sweat panting and sobbing and needing Peridot to come and calm her down. She never did tell what they were about, but they all had generally the same idea; her captors' faces, loud laughter reflecting off the mirrors surrounding her, a doctor with an evil grin coming and slicing her crying baby right out of her.

As for Peridot, well, she was starting to have suspicions about Lapis hiding something from her. The younger girl had started wearing baggy clothes as if hiding something, and had started to put on weight. The intern had a general idea of what was going on with her charge, but she did not want to push her limits so she never questioned it.

At least, not until the situation started getting seriously harmful to Lapis, or so it seemed from the nerd's point of view. The eighteen-year-old had started trying to convince Peridot not to take her to the doctor's appointment scheduled for that day, insisting that the doctors would never notice if she skipped one and looking close to tears.

Peridot couldn't ignore it anymore. She just couldn't. She watched those big blue eyes stare at her pleadingly, and though that look – ugh, that _look –_ tempted her to say alright, she went with her better judgment and refused, standing up to show authority. She was aware that this scared Lapis a little – perhaps it had been used against her? - but this was one thing she just couldn't let slide, and if she had to terrify the young woman into listening to her she would.

“Look, Lapis, even though your mental health is more lacking, your physical health is important too. You can't just skip outon doctor's appointments, especially if you're hiding something, which you're acting quite a bit like you are.”

The other glanced at the ground and crossed her legs. So that _was_ what was going on with her. Peridot might have been offended if she wasn't trying to be assertive right now, and in her personal experience she couldn't get offended without getting aggressive in the same breath.

“Lapis,” she sighed as she repeated the younger girl's name, kneeling back down so that she was a bit below her level. “You have to tell me what's going on. I might be able to talk to them about it for you so you don't have to explain yourself. Please.”

Peridot watched the tan-skinned girl squirm a little in her seat before taking a soft, deep breath, which was exhaled quickly before she began to speak in a meek voice. She noted that Lapis was avoiding eye contact, instead staring at the ground next to her companion while twiddling her thumbs slightly.

“I'm pregnant. I mean, I wasn't sure before, but I definitely am now. I can – I can feel him or her moving inside of me. And I can feel the bump.”

Yeah, that was pretty much what Peridot was expecting. She got up and collapsed back into her chair with a long exhale, putting a hand over her face. Okay, taking care of a dependent and asocial young woman that had been abused for a long ass time was one thing. Pregnancy? That was a whole other playing field, one Peridot wasn't sure she wanted to participate in. Children? Oh, god, she really didn't even want to think on that.

“And why didn't you tell me this sooner? You're probably past the first trimester by now, right? It would be a little harder to convince them to bend the laws and get rid of it--”

“Then it's a good thing I never wanted to get rid of this 'problem!' Jesus, Peridot, this is why I didn't want to tell you! This is my baby and I want them!” Lapis had gotten up now and had her arms crossed over her chest. She wasn't typically argumentative; this must have been extremely important to her.

“Can you even _take care_ of a child?”

“Yes! I used to babysit a bunch of kids in my neighborhood and I took a parenting class in my junior year of high school, I'm not completely hopeless.”

A heavy sigh left Peridot as she took off her glasses to rub her eyes, trying to calculate an exact plan in her mind before she spoke again, carefully and calmly.

“Okay. I'm going to have to bring this up to your doctor. A pregnancy checkup should be covered in whatever taxpayer thing they have you under. I hope. If not, I'll cover it. I have a lot of money set aside from freelance programming.” When she noticed the other's shocked expression, she gave an offended scoff. “My internship doesn't pay well. When I'm on my computer I'm freelancing. I gotta treat myself a _little._ ”

“It's not that.” Lapis replied in a slightly snippish voice, as if kind of offended that Peridot would draw that conclusion. “It's just that I wasn't expecting you to take this decently and cooperate with me.”

“I'm supposed to take care of you, not debate with you. Now come on, get your sweatshirt on, we've gotta go in three minutes.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may not be able to update next week because I'm getting home from Canada at like seven and I'll probably be beat.


	5. An Agreement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dreaded doctor's appointment, and Peridot realizes she is developing a crush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE BITCH, I BET YOU THOUGHT YOU'D SEEN THE LAST OF ME.
> 
> Yeah, I decided to start updating again because I have an idea of how the story is going to go, the problem is I don't know where I'll stop. I guess I'll figure that out as I go along.
> 
> Updates will resume but will no longer hold a schedule. I'll write as inspiration hits me. Demon AU fic may resume eventually as well.

Lapis was extremely uncomfortable and borderline confrontational through the entire appointment, and Peridot didn't even need to know her as well as she did to know that. When she had to take off her thick shirt to show that her heartbeat was normal and her breathing was steady, it had been done with a withering glare that would have killed someone weak of heart. Her selective mutism was a good thing at this point, because if she was willing to speak she would have sarcastically repeated every single word spoken to her and pissed off Dr. Maheswaran, who had been in charge of this particular case since Lapis had been released from the hospital. That would  _definitely_ not have ended well. Peridot was awful at calming people down from fits of rage.

As expected, the discovery of the pregnancy bump had been received with momentary shock and, as was clear from the look on her face, a lot of the doctor kicking herself. The checkup was finished as usual, with Lapis' joints and heart rate and everything being checked. The scars were fading nicely, and she would have semi-clear skin in a few months – that was good news, at least. As soon as most of the standard things had been finished, however, the doctor requested to talk to Peridot alone in the hallway. Well, shit.

The young woman quietly followed the professional out to the hall, closing the door to the room behind her so that Lapis wouldn't overhear. She was a little afraid of her charge getting frightened by whatever words were said by the doctor, and she really didn't want that. The poor girl was paranoid enough as is without losing her trust in those that were supposed to take care of her, and Peridot genuinely did care about her and her mental health, as frustrated as she tended to get. Something about Lapis was just... likable, and it made her very easy to care about outside of simple pity.

“It would appear that she is pregnant.” Oh, man, this woman's voice sounded tired. Peridot felt sorry for her; this probably wasn't in the job description. Not that it wasn't a possibility with how many times Lapis had been sexually abused, it was probably just seen as unlikely because she hadn't contracted any sexually transmitted diseases. They had assumed that the abusers had been more careful than they evidently had been.

“Yeah. I know. I just found out today.” The intern looked to Dr. Maheswaran. “She's been talking more lately, but just to me, so I've been relaying messages between her and her therapist. To make her feel better, y'know. And I had to push her to tell me that she was hiding this.” She awkwardly rubbed the back of her head, messing up the already-scruffy blonde hair there. “Apparently she wasn't telling anybody because she doesn't want anyone to make her get rid of it. I don't know why, but she genuinely wants that baby. Maybe to prove she can recover, or get something good out of the whole experience. It's a mystery... I promised her I would help her take care of it no matter what, though.”

“Are you sure you're ready for that kind of responsibility?” Okay, yeah, she could understand the concern there. Peridot was a twenty one year old workaholic with a measly income that had been raised by a busy mother and had never met her father. Lapis was an eighteen year old abuse victim with a God-knows-what type of background and a hard time speaking. Raising a kid was major, and taxing, and would just about murder both of their free time for the next eighteen years.

At the moment, though, Peridot needed to give the answer that would help her case and not the honest one. This was the most important thing imaginable to Lapis, and the one carrying the damn thing had some experience with children. Peridot could read, so she wasn't hopeless. “Absolutely. I realize that it's going to be hard, but I think we can do it. And even if I couldn't, she doesn't trust anyone else and she will never bend on this. I know her well enough to see that, and she's kind of grown on me. I'll do anything I have to do for her and that child.”

Dr. Maheswaran stared at her in a way that made her squirm. She could feel her sins crawling on her back, and was doubting just about everything she knew in that moment. That was a look only a strict mother could give, and Peridot genuinely felt sorry for whatever child was being raised by this woman and had to receive this look on a daily basis. When she didn't crack, however, the doctor gave a defeated sigh and made a note on her clipboard.

“All right. I'll try to do another background check on Lapis to see if I can find any family, or people she was close to. Just in case. I'll refer them to you if I manage to find anyone. If not, you're completely on your own unless Lapis can bring herself to trust anyone else.”

Peridot nodded in understanding. She'd already assumed that they were alone in this whole mess of a situation, so she was prepared for that. Mostly, she was just relieved that Dr. Maheswaran hadn't pushed her to try and change her mind. She wasn't sure how she would ever be able to face her charge again if that were the case.

She was handed a piece of paper containing the phone number for a pregnancy care center, told to check out, bid a nice day, and left alone.

Peridot sighed heavily and leaned against the door with her face in her hands. God, this was so messed up. She hadn't signed up for this. She hadn't signed up to become attached to the trauma victim she was taking care of, she hadn't signed up to become the surrogate second parent to the child she was carrying thanks to whatever fucked up shit she'd had to deal with for the last year.

And yet, she couldn't bring herself to regret this decision. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't bring herself to regret bringing Lapis home and beginning to like her  _a lot_ and agreeing to help her raise a kid. She took a deep breath and opened the door, walking over to Lapis and helping her stand from the seat in the room. “Good news. Doc doesn't have a problem with keeping the kid. Gave me a number so we can get you an appointment for a sonogram. Everything's going to be fine.”

Oh, god, the smile she was rewarded with made this all worth it. The way those dark blue eyes lit up like the sun, the way her lips curled upwards and the way her entire  _face_ just looked like something the greatest artist ever to live had carved from beautiful wood just for her and  _oh dear god I can't be thinking like this why am I thinking like this she's beautiful I really really like her_ .

Wait, what?

She didn't have time to think on this before she had a Lapis Lazuli on her, arms wrapped around her in a tight hug and sounding like she was about to cry as she thanked Peridot over and over. Timidly, the blonde returned the gesture, letting her arms snake around her charge's waist and holding her. Wow, her heart was pounding. This was really something. And, oh, the whole world stopped when she felt a pair of thin lips press against her cheek in an affectionate form of gratitude.

Her face turned bright red and she was in a daze as the hug stopped. Mechanically, she led Lapis out of the room and to the front desk, where she checked her out before heading out into the cold air towards her green car. She helped her charge into the passenger seat of the vehicle and climbed in herself, and as she began the drive back to her apartment building only one thought crossed her mind.

_Holy shit I'm really gay._

 


	6. An Old Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose. That's all I really need to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we step away from Lapis and Peridot temporarily to find out where Rose, Greg, and Steven fit into this AU. Rose will be a major character, Steven slightly more minor but still big.

Rose Quartz Universe was a very busy woman. Not only did she run a section of the social work department for Beach City, she was also a mother and volunteered for an hour and a half every day at a children's day care. Her husband Greg ran the local car wash on his own, so it really was a good thing they had a lot of friends that could watch their son Steven when neither of them could be home. Both she and her family liked Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl, of course, but they all agreed that none of the three could ever replace the boy's former babysitter, Lapis Diamond Lazuli. Rose had known Lapis since she was a baby, after all, and she was considered by Steven one of his best friends.

The last time she had heard from the girl was a year ago. A phone call to confirm that she would be over to watch Steven that afternoon right after school. She'd never shown up, and Greg had returned home to find the nine year old on his own, watching Crying Breakfast Friends and worrying profusely about his older friend. At first she'd been a bit angry that the teenager had stood up on her babysitting job, but that quickly melted into worry – Lapis was many things, but she was fairly responsible and cared quite a bit about Steven. Rose tried to call her a few times, of course, and when none of them were picked up she opted for contacting the girl's mother.

Having been friends with Blue Diamond for as long as she could remember, Rose was quick to think of the possibility that Blue had just taken her daughter on something that required the teen's phone be left behind and forgot to let her know. This idea was quickly expelled, however, when the city planner explained that Lapis had left the house to go babysit Steven  _hours_ ago and she'd just assumed that was where the teenager was.

_That_ was when Rose got worried. She rushed over to Blue's home immediately, and they scoured the area between their houses for over an hour, making sure to check every nook and cranny. When they returned at dusk with their hands empty, they quickly filed a missing persons report. Seventeen year old Native Hawaiian girl, long dark brown hair, dark blue eyes, skinny build, last seen wearing a light blue crop top and a dark blue skirt leaving her Beach City home at 4 o'clock PM. If found, call Blue Diamond, Rose Quartz Universe, or the police immediately. Even Steven drew little missing person posters and hung them up all around the elementary school.

Six months was all it took for Blue to lose hope, no matter how optimistic and reassuring the Quartz Universe family tried to be. She entered the depressive state of a mother in mourning, feeling awful that she never spent much time with the daughter she considered to be dead. Rose genuinely feared for her life at several points, as she often spoke of suicide and was drunk more often than not. Eventually, she couldn't stand to be in Beach City anymore and returned to her hometown in Hawaii.

Life got in the way, and nine months after Lapis' disappearance Rose had no choice but to drop the search for the teenager altogether. Steven was upset with her, of course, but she didn't have much of a choice. Missing person posters remained up and the police would contact her if they saw anything. That was all she really could do anymore, as much as she hated to admit it.

One Sunday night in mid January, she had just finished reading Steven a bedtime story and bidding him goodnight. Greg was out of town to pick up new supplies for his car wash, and she'd had the day off; it had been a relaxing day, and now she planned to just grab a cup of tea and relax until it was time for her to go to bed. Rose fixed her hot beverage and slowly sat in her armchair with a book in hand, flipping open to the page she had doggy eared and continuing where she'd left off. It was an intriguing read, about women whose lives sourced from gemstones. The protagonist, a little hybrid, even shared a name with her darling son.

When her home phone began to ring, she really thought nothing of it. A telemarketer, maybe, or a complication she would need to come oversee the next day with an adoption in town. She set her book and tea on the coffee table before getting up and walking into the next room, taking the receiver in her hand and pressing the button to answer as she held it against her ear. “Quartz Universe household, Rose speaking. May I help you?”

“Hello, Mrs. Universe.” The voice was not one she recognized, which concerned her for a moment. “We recently found Lapis Lazuli, and she has been staying with one of the hospital's interns for about a month. We couldn't find any birth family, and you were listed as her emergency contact from a majority of the missing persons reports filed in the last year. Does any of this sound familiar at all to you, or have we contacted the wrong household?”

Rose was speechless for several moments. The words of the person on the other end rattled around in her head even as she found the words to respond with. “Yes, that's me. Do you need me to take custody of Lapis? Is she alright? Am I at least able to visit her?” The questions were fired off as though through the barrel of a shotgun, almost too quick to decipher.

Luckily, this person seemed to be trained in listening to quick speakers. “Miss Lazuli is safe and content in the care of our intern, so I don't think you need to take her in if you don't want to. She has sustained severe trauma and has developed selective mutism, and is currently pregnant, but she has been recovering at an impressive pace. You are able to visit her, yes.”

Okay, good, not so good, pregnant, good- wait, pregnant? The woman slowly sat down in a nearby kitchen chair, still holding the phone against her ear.  _Oh, Lapis, what did they do to you?_ “May I please have the address where I can locate her?” She glanced at the clock; it was about half past nine, probably not too late for a quick visit. She  **needed** to see that girl as soon as humanly possible, wrap her in a hug and know that she was safe and alive.

The number and address of the apartment was rattled off to her, and she quickly thanked the person and hung up. Taking out her cell phone as she went, Rose pulled on her jacket and pressed the speed dial number for one of the trio of Steven's current babysitters – Garnet, the most reliable of the three. The situation was quickly given to the other, who agreed to come and watch him until she got back home. By the time the conversation was done, Rose was already driving into the more populated section of the city that consisted of mostly apartment buildings.

The drive wasn't very long – five minutes at most – but it felt like forever. When she finally pulled in to a public parking space and locked her door, it felt like it had been an eternity since she'd been told where to go. She rushed across the street as quickly as her legs could carry her, striding right into the building and giving the secretary at the front desk a friendly nod as she jogged into the elevator and pushed in the number for the tenth floor.

Number 1013 was not hard to find at all, and she quickly knocked on the door, shifting impatiently from one foot to another. A glance at the time on her phone told her that it was 9:40 – at least one of them  _ had  _ to be awake right now, and she prayed they would let her in. She knocked again after about ten seconds, ready to break in the wooden barrier if she really needed to.

To Rose's relief, however, the door slowly opened and a short blonde haired young woman appeared in the doorway.

“Hello, I'm Rose Quartz Universe, and old friend of Lapis'. I was sent here by the hospital, can I please come see her?”

 


	7. Talking and Reflecting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis and Rose talk, and then Lapis reflects on how she needs to balance the two ends of her life and how she feels about Peridot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS A LONG ONE FOLKS. It's some Rose and some Lapidot. It's also a new record for how many words I've written in a single chapter.

Lapis and Peridot had been enjoying a very relaxed evening. The doctor's appointment had been the day before, and neither of them really expected whatever weird routine they had to be interrupted by a visitor. Peridot's social life left a lot to be desired, and usually Jehovah's Witnesses or people trying to sell things gave up around the fifth or sixth floor of the building, far from the tenth. Even if the therapist or doctor had decided on a surprise visit they probably would have called beforehand with a warning, considering how poorly Lapis took most surprises that weren't in the form of something sweet or an announcement that something was happening in the future that was pretty good. So the knock on the door had been startling at the very least – yet they both decided to ignore it with a single glance at one another and a silent exchange that led to a mutual decision.

Their attention was turned back to  _ Doctor Who _ , a show Lapis couldn't honestly care less about but Peridot adored. The younger of the two did, however, like watching her roommate's expressions as the episode progressed – she'd seen this one before, as it was a rerun that even Lapis could remember having seen two weeks earlier, but according to Peridot every viewing was a new experience that could get a lot taken from. Honestly, it was the nerdiest thing she'd ever heard, but dozing off on the shoulder of someone she trusted while getting treated to expressions of happiness and surprise was nice. It was more domestic than Lapis ever thought she would get again, and she loved it with all her heart – of course, it wasn't the only thing she was falling in love with, but she pushed that thought and that sentiment down as soon as it had first popped up.

The knock returned after maybe ten seconds, and Lapis was forced to sit up straight when her roommate muttered an apology and stood from the couch to answer the door. Preferring not to be seen, of course, she fled to behind the seat as quickly as she could to hide out until the exchange was over. She didn't think anything pertaining to her was going to happen, but she still got nervous when faced with strangers or really anyone that wasn't the blonde. She knew when Peridot reached the door because she could practically  _ feel  _ the social anxiety radiating off her roomie, and for one reason or another Lapis braced herself when she heard the door open.

But that voice. Oh, god, the moment she heard the motherly female voice she wanted to cry. She recognized that woman almost immediately, despite not having heard her speak for over a year. Dozens of memories of the life she had before she was kidnapped rushed back to her head – when she was a little girl and Rose would babysit her, to telling her about every little friend problem she had through middle school and high school, to babysitting little Steven...

Within moments, she had practically dove to Rose, clinging to her and holding back tears and trying not to shake. She felt strong arms wrap around her in return, and she felt  _ safe _ , she felt  _ warm _ , she felt like she could just be a child for a moment... and she started to sob, from happiness moreso from distress. No words could ever describe how happy she was to see this woman, who gently rocked her and murmured that it was alright, that she was here, that everything was going to be just fine.

She was so busy crying like a baby, in fact, that she didn't notice when Peridot awkwardly took a few steps backwards, announced that she would give them some time alone, and fled for the hills. Even if she had noticed, she wouldn't have really blamed her.

Rose gently guided Lapis over to the couch and held her as she just cried it out. The young woman could tell that the other was holding back tears, too, from the way her breathing was a bit ragged and she hiccuped once or twice. Even after the trauma victim had finished sobbing, she simply rested against her old friend, who didn't seem to have any intent to let her go anytime soon.

“So...” Rose began to speak, and Lapis silently begged her not to ask what happened. She wasn't ready to talk about it, she wasn't ready to even  _ think  _ about it. “I heard you have a little bun in the oven, huh?” Oh, thank god. Not an easy subject, but way better than the other option.

She shifted a bit so that she could look at the older woman's face. The gentle smile she was being given made her feel like crying again, but she didn't. “Yeah... I think I might be four or five months,” she admitted, absentmindedly placing a hand over her bump. “Not sure what the sex is. My first sonogram is in a few days, and I guess I'll find out then.”

“Do you have a name picked out yet?” Rose seemed genuinely interested, and not disgusted like Lapis had feared. Words couldn't describe how glad she was that she hadn't questioned why she wanted to keep it or what was keeping her with that decision.

“No, not yet. But I think either way I'll name them after a stone. To... keep the tradition going, y'know? Mom's Blue Diamond and I'm Lapis Lazuli, and then they'll be surrounded by a lot of other rock people so it'd probably do them some good to fit in.” She laughed a bit. It was true that it seemed to be a trend for parents in Beach City to name their children after precious stones. People with regular names – like Greg and Steven – were a minority.

A soft chuckle left Rose as she carefully squeezed Lapis. “Sounds good to me. Steven has an encyclopedia of gemstones somewhere in his room that I'll lend to you if you want. Maybe I'll even get my hands on a pendant of the stone you choose.” She paused a moment before asking another question. “Have you felt them move yet?”

“No, not yet. I read somewhere that since this is my first -,” and hopefully last, “pregnancy I probably won't feel anything until I'm like six months in.” She shrugged. “I'm sure when I do feel them I'll freak out though. I'll tell you about it.”

Their conversation carried on for a while, varying subjects and tones, until Rose realized that it was getting late and she would need to get back to Steven. It was with great reluctance that she let go of Lapis, saying that she would call. The young woman was extremely reluctant to let the interaction end, to say the very least – she had missed Rose so, so much and fifty minutes just didn't feel like enough time.

“Do you think I could come over and see Steven sometime soon?” Her tone was hopeful; she wanted to see Steven, too, to give that precious positive boy a big hug and walk with him to the Big Donut and do ukulele duets with him. Did she still remember how to play the ukulele? Yeah, probably.

“Of course. You remember where we live, right? I'll come pick you up if I need to.” The suggestion came as a relief to Lapis, who never wanted to walk anywhere ever again. She would just be snatched of the streets again.

“That'd be nice.”

And with that, she left, allowing Peridot to return to the room quietly. She reclaimed her spot on the couch, and Lapis returned to leaning on her shoulder. They sat in silence for several moments – though it wasn't awkward, a comfortable lack of noise as they shared a moment and tried to avoid letting their minds wander to how they felt about each other. Eventually, it was Lapis that spoke up, although she made no move to separate herself from her roommate's shoulder.

“Maybe we should get to bed,” she suggested, mainly thinking of it due to the bags underneath Peridot's eyes and her sleepy expression. A nod of agreement was her response, but they remained in their spot for nearly a minute more. Again, Lapis kicked herself for letting someone worm their way into her heart again after such a traumatic series of events. But truly, could she really be mad at herself?

Peridot was the first one to move, standing up and helping Lapis get up as well. They bid each other goodnight and made their ways to their separate rooms; and the moment that the younger of the two laid down she found herself thinking again rather than sleeping. She simply stared at her feelings and thought of a lot of things, most frequently her past. It seemed so far away, like an eternity and a half had passed even though it had only been a year. Her mother's voice had faded from her memory, and what exactly her beach summer fun buddy looked like.

She stopped the memories of the year of hell in their path, deciding to focus instead on her future; and, lord, was it ever terrifying. Giving birth, raising a baby that could potentially be a screamer... it all seemed very scary in this moment, the thought that the tiny thing growing inside her would have to come out and grow up. She reminded herself that she would have help, that Rose and Peridot would assist her in raising this child, but it really didn't quench her fears. Motherhood seemed terrifying... but somehow she couldn't bring herself to have second thoughts about her choice.

Eventually, just as she was drifting off to sleep, her thoughts wandered to Peridot. How the slightly older girl had come to know her so well, and knew when she needed help or when she needed space. How she'd taken her in for no real reason and treated her so kindly even when she was unwilling to speak. How she never pressured Lapis to move at anything but her own pace as far as recovering went, and how she always stood up for her with no second thoughts and offered reassuring smiles even when Lapis could tell she was getting impatient and frustrated, as she often did.

Regardless of whether she was willing to consider romantic feelings, Peridot certainly meant a lot to her; she was one of the most important things currently in the young woman's life, one of the things helping her be brave. It was confusing to her, really, how she'd let herself get attached so quickly. Maybe it was the surprise that she was being treated with anything but cruelty, or maybe it was some vibe Peridot gave off that let Lapis know that she was often honest and trustworthy. Hell, maybe it was destiny, though that was a bit of a long shot in her eyes.

The pessimist inside of her, perhaps the most loud part of her since a year ago, told her that there was no way the older girl cared about her at all. That she was just rushing into becoming fond because she'd been through so much and needed something to cling to that wasn't a distant memory. That as soon as she reconciled with part of her past she would forget about the weird little blonde whose favorite  _ Doctor Who  _ monsters were the Weeping Angels and was fluent in French and German as well as English and who had the most oddly curved lips Lapis had ever seen and who was so constantly stressed out and easily frustrated but did her best to learn and understand.

Okay, yeah, Lapis cared a lot about Peridot. But that still didn't answer the question of how Peridot must have felt about her. What if she ditched her the moment she realized that she didn't need her anymore? What if she just abandoned her to stay with Rose? Not that the thought of living with the Universes was a bad one, of course, it just... wouldn't be the same. She liked staying with Peridot and being educated on things that really didn't matter. She liked occasionally doing things to get on the older girl's nerves, like hiding all the silverware or flooding up the sink. She really didn't want to lose whatever friendship she felt she had with the blonde. She didn't want to sacrifice what she had in the present trying to recover a past that she would never be able to fully get back.

Oh well, she would think about it in the morning, after she got some much-needed rest.

That night, for the first time Lapis did not dream about her captors. She dreamt that she, her mother, and Peridot were having a picnic on the top of a hillside, talking about what was going to happen next and what Lapis should do to make sure she had a life that was as right as she could get it. It was a pleasant dream, one that did not wake her up several times as she rested and allowed her to get a full night's sleep for the first time in what felt like five thousand five hundred years. When she woke, she would have a better understanding of what she would need to do.

But for the time being, she slumbered.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're enjoying this, please let me know - comments are always appreciated!
> 
> Questions? Something you wanna show me? Contact teamchaosprez on Tumblr!


	8. Backgrounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis and Peridot share backstories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao they're probably pretty bland but whatever

 Peridot woke long before Lapis, which was a bit of an uncommon occurrence thanks to the younger girl's tendency to sleep at odd hours. This gave the intern an excuse to turn on the news almost as soon as she entered the outer room, stretching a bit as she started the coffeemaker and turned to pay attention to whatever the news anchor was saying. She would have to change the channel to Cartoon Network or something as soon as her roommate came out of her room, of course, due to the simple fact that any current events tended to freak her out if they had anything to do with kidnapping or murder. Understandable, yes, but a bit irritating nonetheless, even if the blonde tried not to show it. The short woman pulled herself onto the counter and crossed her legs underneath her, tapping her fingers against the ancient small appliance as she waited for it to prepare her caffeine.

When Lapis was still apparently asleep when the coffee was finished, Peridot grew concerned. Typically, her roomie was awake at around five in the morning – it was nearly nine. The older of the two flipped the channel to the Discovery Channel and poured herself a cup, hesitating for just a moment before pouring another to offer to her charge. Sliding off the counter and with both mugs in hand, Peridot walked to the other's room and knocked on the door. A sigh of relief was given when she heard a somewhat perkier than usual “Come in!” from the other side, and she opened the door and entered the room. Peridot walked over to where Lapis was sitting on her bed, sitting next to her and offering the cup of coffee, which was enthusiastically accepted.

“Morning. I see you're in a good mood today.” Peridot spoke simply, taking a sip of the hot liquid in her mug, and she swore her heart skipped a beat when the other girl _smiled_ at her. Yeah, there was no more denying it or beating around the bush, the blonde was developing a bit of a crush on her skinny companion. She admired the way Lapis had been through so much but still could find the strength within her to keep moving forward and _smile,_ especially in the morning. It perplexed her, and in the best possible way. The younger was smart, beautiful, and so _strong,_ and it was wonderful.

“A bit.” Lapis replied, crossing her legs to sit criss-cross applesauce and taking a small sip of her own caffeinated drink. “I slept pretty well last night. First time in a while I didn't have a flashback or a nightmare, and it was pretty nice.” Silence followed on both ends of the conversation, a small grunt of acknowledgment from the blonde being the only response this announcement received. Many of their interactions followed this pattern, sitting in silence together and occasionally speaking something. It was nice and comfortable, considering they both were a tad socially inept.

Peridot cleared her throat and swished around the remaining coffee in her mug before she spoke again. “So.” A pause as she thought of how to phrase the question she already knew she would ask. “What's the story? How do you know that woman from yesterday... Rose or whatever her name is?” _Wow, very graceful way of requesting probably personal. Ten out of ten, would recommend to others._ Jesus, did she ever suck at communicating, and she knew it – or at least, she thought she did. She wasn't aware that her companion really had no problem with it, and was mostly just glad to have the conversation topic be something a little bit more on the side of things she was willing to talk about.

“Sorry, you have to be at least a level four friend to unlock my tragic backstory.” Well, admittedly, Peridot was closer to level eleven at this point, so it wasn't much of a surprise when she continued talking. “Do you want the whole story, or just the parts containing Rose?” Honestly, she wouldn't mind sharing her past with the slightly older of the two – the last month had been enough to prove that Lapis could trust her, and honestly, she wanted her in her future as well.

“Either one works. I mean, I'd love to hear the whole story, but I won't force you to.” If Lapis unloaded her background on Peridot, maybe Peridot would return the favor and tell her all about her own childhood. Admittedly, she was a bit worried about burdening her ~~crush~~ friend, but it wasn't like it mattered much at this point. She crossed her own legs and leaned towards the younger of the two, trying to urge her on by attempting to pull off a puppy dog face. “C'mon, Lap. Storytime.”

Lapis snickered a little and took another sip of her coffee before she started talking. “Okay, so my mom is Hawaiian and my dad was a pilot from the mainland whose parents were from Germany. My father met my mother while he was on vacation and they hit it off pretty quick. Mom always swore it was love at first sight.” She lifted her cup to take another sip and snorted a bit as she did so, rolling her eyes. “I don't believe in that crap, but whatever, it made me. They got married pretty early into their relationship – Dad proposed after maybe three or four months. They got married on the big island, but my dad moved my mom here after about a year living there. That was when Mom met Rose, at an airport while waiting for my dad's first flight since they were married to land. They started talking, and became really good friends. Apparently they were joined at the hip for a while.

“I was born six years after they got married. I wasn't planned – my mom had just gotten a job in the government and wanted to make a lot of money and get a big house before they started having kids – but my parents were still all gung-ho about having me and raising me. I've heard stories about how my dad doted on me a lot and called me his little mermaid and was really protective, but I don't remember any of it. Unfortunately, Dad's flight a few months after I was born got into a crash due to an engine failure and he died with most of the passengers. Mom got really depressed after that and put most of her energy into her work, so I was left with Rose a lot. She pretty much raised me and went to all my surfing competitions and stuff, and I don't know where I'd be right now without her. Her son, Steven, is like a little brother to me, too – I babysat him a lot from when he was really little up until I got kidnapped. Never really liked most of Rose's friends, though. They seemed to think they were better than anyone else.” She shrugged a bit. “And that's the story of my life, I guess. Kinda boring.”

Peridot blinked, slightly saddened by the whole thing. It was like something out of a sitcom, sort of, except on a real life person that was sitting in front of her. Like the classic tragic love story, except through the eyes of the couple's offspring. For some reason, she'd been expecting more to it, but in all honesty Lapis was only eighteen and it was understandable she hadn't wanted to delve into the year she was locked up. The blonde hadn't expected her to, because Lord knows she never would have wanted to if placed in her companion's position. “Want to hear about mine?” She asked before she could stop herself, and the nod she received in confirmation made her sigh heavily.

The intern put her now empty cup on the ground, folding her hands in her lap. Honestly, what _was_ there to tell about her life? It had been a pretty boring one. “It all started with a one-night stand in a bar downtown. My mother, a pretty tough woman and a politician, had sex with some random guy, and nine months later she wound up with me. To this day I don't understand why she didn't either get rid of me or put me up for adoption, since she was always too busy to take care of me. At first I tried to get her attention with positive stuff like good grades or participation in clubs, but when that failed I started acting out instead. My junior year of high school I barely passed anything because I was always either hungover or recovering from a really intense high.” A slight laugh passed her lips. “That didn't work either, and I could tell I was setting myself up for a miserable future. So I decided that I didn't need her anymore and started working hard just for myself. It did wonders. When I was eighteen she bought me this apartment and got me into a college, so long story short here I am. Started working at the hospital a little whole after I graduated, because I originally wanted to try and get a PhD in prosthetics, but I like working with computers more than I like working with limbs, I guess.” She glanced up at Lapis, and found that the other girl's navy blue eyes were watching her with rapt interest. _Oh, Jesus._

“So, you were a druggie through part of your high school years? I'm impressed you could even quit. Most of 'em that I knew turned out to become like drug dealers or something. And your mom sucks for neglecting you like that.” There seemed to be some new level of respect on the younger woman's face, and Peridot could feel her heart swell in her chest since she knew she'd impressed her companion. She tried to convince herself that _wasn't_ what she'd been going for, and it really wasn't, but damn if it didn't feel really nice. _Senpai noticed me._ Why did she just think that, her weaboo years were over. She was a bit of a mess at the moment, and she wasn't even about to bother denying it.

“Ha... wasn't that bad, really. And I had full control of what went into my body the whole time, thank you very much.” That was, technically, a lie. She'd been using a small group of friends as a rehab center while she was trying to quit. It had been a disaster, especially since she'd been leaning on it to deal with stress and other things among the original intention of just getting her busy mother's attention. Drugs had been a _horrible_ choice, she knew it then and she certainly knew it now.

“Still.” Lapis jumped from her sitting position so quickly that it made Peridot jump, and leaped to the ground with the lithe grace of a cat. Admittedly, it was a bit impressive, especially since she was at least four months pregnant and should have been more sluggish at this point according to every stereotype ever. A pang of concern was felt in the older girl's chest – was it wise for her to be moving quickly like that? - but she dismissed it as soon as she had thought it, settling for just going with the flow. “I've been thinking, and I've made a decision about what I want to do with my hair.”

Wait – all that was going on and Lapis wanted to make a change with how she looked again? It didn't _bother_ Peridot, per se, but it did catch her a little off guard. How did the solemn girl she'd first met over a month ago turn into this odd little ball of energy? “Well, what is it then?”

“I'd like to dye it blue. Permanently. Not like a really light blue, more like a nice, standard kind of shade. It'd look nice.” She was beaming in such a way that would make it difficult to say no. Damn.

“Permanent? You _do_ realize you'll be that one punk mom that everyone looks at at wonders whether she's fit to raise a child, right?”

“Peri, I'm eighteen. I'll be getting that anyway.”

“... Alright, fine, I'll take you to get your hair dyed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, if you're enjoying this please leave a comment or something to let me know! I thrive off your positive feedback.
> 
> Questions or something you want to show me?  
> Contact teamchaosprez on Tumblr or tag a post as "twltwg"!


	9. Room of Mirrors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was in the room of mirrors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey howdy hey, sorry bout the wait!

She was back in the little room of mirrors.

Lapis’ heart jumped in her throat as she looked around, seeing nothing but her reflection on every side and her own blood staining the floor. Instinctively, her hand went to protectively rest against the slight swell of her stomach. She was struggling to keep her breathing regular, her heart thudding painfully against her ribcage with all the force of a train; the adrenaline was causing her blood to run cold, panic settling in rather quickly. How had this happened? Why hadn’t Peridot protected her? She was supposed to care and keep this from happening again, right…?

She resisted the urge to vomit when she heard the click of the door opening, and she forced herself to look up. It wasn’t Jasper, thank God, but it was the woman that had been cruelest with her punishments, never touching her like the others did but always slashing a knife against the skin of her arms and back and spewing insults - she struggled to remember the name, and her mind quickly settled on Jeremejevite. Those cold blue eyes still haunted her, peering through a mask that covered her face and dark hair pulled back into a ponytail. Lapis scrambled back in a panic, shaking like a leaf and silently pleading for something to help her, someone to come and get her and let her out--

“You’re in prison. Why am I here.” She managed to find the words to speak, trying to sound braver than she actually felt and trying not to cry when a thin hand pulled a knife out of a deep pocket. She backed up more when she was approached, squashing herself against the cold glass behind her. A chill ran up her spine, the great contrast in temperature being uncomfortable, but she didn’t dare move forward. Nothing in the world could force her to get closer to Jeremejevite than she had to be.

“Oh, would you look at that. The little birdie found her voice again.” The voice was terrifyingly familiar. She silently pleaded for help, moving to bunch up in a protective little bundle when she figured out exactly what was going on. “They let us go, dearie. They decided that a waste of space like you wasn’t worth the cost of keeping us locked away and they gave us full legal custody of you. And that little blonde - Peridot, was it? She was so relieved when we came to get you. She even let us come in and take you while you were still asleep. I didn’t get to see the lovely Rose Quartz, but I’m told she laughed. You really must be a littles shit, hm?”

No, no, no. This was all wrong, this was all wrong! This wasn’t how the judicial system was supposed to work! Was it really that corrupt? Lapis figured she could deny it all she wanted, but she couldn’t argue with what was right in front of her. She had gotten out, and she didn’t think she was going to be getting out again - why, really, was she still protecting her unborn baby? The child would only be miserable, would never have a real childhood. But she had to - it was her only reason to live, the only thing that kept her from entering a deep pit of despair while she was in here.

“Unfortunately, we’re going to have to be even rougher on you because you got away from us. And Jasper is dying to see her favorite little plaything again-,” Lapis whimpered, “but that’s going to have to wait until we’ve gotten rid of your little problem.” Jeremejevite roughly grabbed onto the young woman’s wrist and yanked until her hand was pressing against the mirror behind her, and stomped on her other until it was twisted at a harsh angle and pressed at the corner where the wall met the floor. She cried out in pain and twisted, trying to free herself and do something, anything, to keep this from happening. “Tell me, little riptide queen, do you think this thing is a boy or a girl?”

Lapis was too busy squirming and trying to get away and sobbing from fear and desperation to answer the question. Silently, she begged for the taller woman to let her go. Finally, she realized that there was no point in fighting and slumped against the wall. Defeatedly, she finally spoke. “Why are you doing this? What’s the point? I never did anything to you. I never did anything to deserve this.”

“On the contrary, my dear.” Jeremejevite pressed the knife against the small swell in her belly, and all Lapis could feel was the tip poking against the fabric of her shirt and pure fear that started in her stomach and made her heart cold and made the bile in her throat burn. She wanted out, she wanted out, she wanted out, and had been reduced to an animalistic fight-or-flight response. All she could feel was the need to run away, to get as far from this place as possible. “Your very existence is reason enough to do this. You’re worthless, a burden, you might as well be put to some use.” Pressure was applied to the base of the blade, and…

She sat up with a scream.

Confused, afraid, and disoriented, Lapis looked around; this room was dark, no mirrors to be found. A blanket had been kicked to the edge of the mattress she’d been laying on, and city lights leaked through the window to illuminate the space around her. She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t think reasonably. The walls were closing in on her, and her heart was either beating too fast to be felt or had stopped completely. Gasping and struggling for air, she gripped at her hair and began rocking back and forth. Tears streamed down her face; she couldn’t discern what was real and what was not.

The door crashed open, and a second person stumbled in. Lapis bunched in on herself, trying to assume a position that would be harder to hurt her in, but was surprised when a faintly recognizable voice began calling her name and gripping her shoulders. She forced herself to move her face, staring at the intruder.

Peridot.

It was just Peridot.

Lapis let out a choked sob and latched herself onto the other girl without really worrying about whether or not the contact was welcome. Arms wrapped around her, and she found that she could understand what was being said better.

“.... with me. Breathe with me, Lapis, okay? In, two, three. Out, two three.” Shakily, she responded by attempting to follow the instruction and relax herself. It took two or three tries, but eventually, her breathing began to even out, and she was simply silently hugging her roommate. Lapis buried her face in Peridot’s shoulder and began to cry again.

“I was- I was in the room again-and-and she hurt me, she _hurt_ me, she tried to get rid of the baby…” She gasped the words out between heaving sobs, taking a little bit of comfort from the gentle little hands rubbing her back. “She said- she said you let them take me, that you were happy they did.”

“Lapis…” Peridot pulled away a little so she could gently cup the other’s cheeks with her hands and look her dead in the eyes. “They will never touch you again. They will never hurt your baby. I will make sure they don’t. I will never let them. Okay?”

She nodded and slumped against her companion again, sobbing hysterically. Peridot could do nothing but hold her and rock her and reassure her until she fell asleep again, and then the blonde curled up with her and stayed there through the night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoying this? Let me know! Leave a comment or contact teamchaosprez on Tumblr! I track the tag "twltwg"!


	10. Soft

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot and Lapis cuddle, and Peridot reflects on her feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm working on trying to make my chapters lengthier. I'm going to start trying to hit 2k words every single update, so expect future chapters to be much more description- and content-heavy.

Peridot’s waking up was very slow, and the first thing she noticed when her mind roused her out of her slumber was the weight resting in her arms and against her chest. Groggily, she opened her green eyes in an effort to remember exactly what her current situation was. Optics lazily scanned the surrounding area, and she concluded that she was in the guest bedroom and the sun was probably just peeking over the city’s horizon. The recollection came in a sudden pang to her chest; Lapis’d had a nightmare, and it had taken a while to calm her down - in fact, the blonde was still holding her in a close and protective embrace.

She looked down to ensure that Lapis was still alright. The younger girl’s face was pressed against her chest, breath coming in a relaxed and slow pattern. Her eyes were closed and her cheek was a bit smooshed by Peridot’s body. Her hands rested against the older’s stomach, her mouth was slightly ajar, and she looked… peaceful. Peridot could feel her heart melting, and carefully reached one hand around her sleeping companion’s head to brush some hair out of her face. Lapis was adorable, and strong, and just looked so wonderfully at peace in that moment. Peridot wanted nothing more than to kiss her, but for the sake of respecting boundaries she refrained.

Lapis really was something amazing, and Peridot was increasingly startled by the rate at which her feelings for her charge grew. She knew that there was a very real possibility that her crush was entirely one-sided, and while that hurt she’d accepted it; she just needed to make sure that Lapis was comfortable and safe and happy, and that was all that mattered. Even outside of it just being her job. Looking at that face honestly mostly just served to confirm how much she cared for the girl she’d chosen to take care of on a whim. A soft sigh escaped the blonde.

Oddly enough, she found her train of thought wandering to Lapis’ condition. No, she corrected herself, she would scream at her if she dared refer to her pregnancy as a condition as though it were an illness. Peridot scooted away from her just enough that she could lift her shirt slightly and see the swell of her abdomen. A life was in there. An actual, growing, living being was currently hibernating in the girl she had a massive honking crush on, and had gotten there through the worst means possible. But still, Peridot couldn’t bring herself to feel any sort of resentment. Lapis wanted that child, after all, and if she did then there was no way the blonde could possibly blame it for the sins of its parents.

… Maybe referring to it as ‘it’ wasn’t a very good step towards trying to grow an attachment. She hummed slightly and let the other’s shirt fall back to its previous place before ever-so-gently pulling Lapis back to against her. Was this ‘love?’ She couldn’t say for sure; perhaps it was infatuation. Love couldn’t possibly develop itself in the span of just over a month, right? … Well, what she felt in her heart seemed to be a bit past simply attraction. It was confusing. She was used to programming and predictable things like numbers, and emotions were almost like uncharted territory. In fact, it was almost frustrating that she had no clue how to go about things when it came to this. Not off-putting, necessarily, but certainly something that miffed her past what she once thought possible. That was saying something, considering how easily she became frustrated or even angry.

Peridot sighed heavily and shifted to pull Lapis a little closer to her. Regardless of how she felt, whether it be attraction or love, she knew that she cared very deeply about this young woman and wanted to hold her close and protect her from any further harm. In the small window of time they’d known each other, the techie had grown to prioritise Lapis’ needs and comfort over her own, past what just the job part of this demanded of her. She would do anything if it only meant that the younger would feel happier and become healthier. She was already so much better than when they had met… Peridot was rather proud of Lapis. Not proud of her own work towards aiding in the other’s recovery, but proud of how far she had come. It was somewhat strange, in a way, considering the blonde tended to be rather self-congratulatory and toot her own horn to a point that it could be considered irritating to many. Her confidence was apparently even bordering on purely annoying. It was very unlike her to be proud of another for something she had helped them achieve; what, really, was Lapis doing to her?

… Perhaps good things. The change was not a negative one; if anything, it was positive, and whilst the feelings she experienced were frustrating they were also very, very pleasant in the most bittersweet of ways. She found herself wanting to kiss Lapis again, and this time, she didn’t relent. Peridot gently shifted her head so that she could brush her lips against the younger’s tan forehead, closing her eyes and letting out a content sigh through her nostrils. She silently noted that the room was becoming lighter; some time had passed, and she hadn’t even realized it. Perhaps that was just one of the enticing effects of the lovely Lapis Lazuli.

Speak of the devil, the contact seemed to cause the sleeping girl to stir. Peridot drew her face back slightly, not wanting to startle her companion with the close contact. She had to admit that the way Lapis turned her head a bit as she struggled to process that she was waking up was adorable, and it caused her heart to pound in her chest as a slight pink coloration appeared on her pale cheeks. The younger yawned, and slowly, groggily blinked open her dark blue eyes to meet with Peridot’s green.

“Hi.” Was the simple greeting she could think to give. How intelligent. She stumbled a bit and, when she didn’t receive a response from her still half-asleep companion, “Are, um, you feeling any better?” She asked dumbly - it was really, really hard to come up with things to say when she was so close to the object of her growing affections and said person was now awake. She had sorely underestimated how easily flustered she was - but, well, never having had to deal with it before, she was having a hard time blaming herself for it.

“Good morning.” The reply came at last as Lapis snuggled back against her chest. Peridot prayed that the younger was too tired to really pay attention to the pounding of her heart. “Yeah, I guess… I can barely remember what happened last night. Thanks… for calming me down.” Another yawn left the sleepy female as she turned her face to look fondly up at the older, who could literally feel her blush getting deeper. “... ‘re you blushing, Peri?” Oh, god, she sounded amused. Peridot really was a laughingstock, and it was utterly humiliating.

“No problem. For, uh, helping you, I mean.” She glanced away, turning her head so that she could watch the window. Early morning sunlight was now leaking through the blinds in a soft amber glow; she wished she could open it without having to let go of Lapis. “What? No! Of course I’m not.” That was a lie, and perhaps the most obvious one she’d told in her entire life. “I don’t blush. The, um, warmth is just adding color to my face. That’s all.”

It was obvious that her companion could see right through that lie, because she snorted. “Sure. Whatever you say.” With that, she stopped talking; though Peridot couldn’t tell, she had closed her eyes again and was just enjoying the calm of the moment. Her sleep-clouded mind really couldn’t focus on very much, and as such all she could really realize was that her companion was flustered and she was soft and felt good to be snuggled up against. That was all that really mattered to her at the moment, anyway, and that was fine by her. She was rested enough that she didn’t face the threat of falling back asleep, but she was sleepy enough that she craved attention and relaxation. And that was what she was getting, which was the nicest thing at the moment.

“You are an enigma, Lapis Lazuli.” Peridot grumbled, though she really couldn’t find it in herself to be grumpy about it. It wasn’t so much the younger herself was an enigma as the emotions she inspired were. A mystery that was, perhaps, best left unsolved. The techie wasn’t entirely sure how comfortable she was with that, but it was comfortable enough that she really didn’t feel much of a need to put enough thought into it to figure it out. Was it good or bad that she was content about this? She wasn’t entirely sure, but she knew that either way it was bittersweet.

“Good,” came the muffled reply. Lapis comfortably nestled her head under Peridot’s chin, heaving out a deep sigh of contentment as she shifted to carefully wrap her arms around the other’s torso. God, Peridot could feel herself malfunctioning internally as she tried to convince herself that Lapis was only doing this because she felt safe and comfortable and was still waking up. There was no way she could ever consider that the other girl would ever like her in _that_   way. It was an absurd idea, one she internally kicked herself for even considering. “Can we stay like this for a little while? It’s nice.”

Her brain was overheating, her face shifting from light pink to flat out red as she gently tightened her hold around the other, shifting it downwards slightly to match the position Lapis’ arms held against her own middle. She closed her eyes, attempting to relax despite the close quarters with her roommate that she may or may not have had overwhelming romantic feelings for at the moment. “Yeah. Of course. As long as you want to.” Shit, shit, shit, her voice cracked on that last syllable. “I don’t have work today, so we can stay here as long as you feel like cuddling.”

Cuddling. Her. Peridot. She. Was cuddling. With a cute girl. Who had been the one to initiate the cuddling in the first place. This was dumb luck; it just had to be. Trauma victim she’d taken on as an extra to her job or not, people like Lapis did not usually want to even touch people like Peridot with a forty foot pole. Lapis was strong, admirable, had a bit of a rebellious streak, and was absolutely beautiful in every way imaginable despite her sometimes-grey morals. Peridot? She was easily frightened, easily angered, pathetic, followed instructions almost religiously, and looked like a potato. Kind of funny how being in the close and willing presence of such an alluring person forced even her usually-cocky thought stream into a focus on all her own flaws. Not really the ha-ha kind of funny, either. Still, she reminded herself to count her blessings and not think too deeply into it.

Would this even last? This willingness to be around and be comforted by a nerd like herself? Probably not. It would more than likely wear off as Lapis got better, and when her mental health was almost completely recovered she would probably drop the blonde like a piping hot bag of popcorn and move onto some other, more attractive person that suited her personality better. But she just had to take this as it was right now, make sure she appreciated it while it was here. She would only regret it later on if she spent more time worrying than she did around the dark-haired beauty.

_I love you_. That was the first urge she ever got to say it, the first time she ever wanted to just blurt it out and let it be out there in the open. But she restrained, kept her tongue held no matter how much it pained her to do so. The last thing in the world she wanted was to ruin this moment, and so she didn’t, opting instead for just holding the younger close well into the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that I usually don't respond to comments unless they're questions or asks on Tumblr because I like to keep my comment section clean and I tend to run out of ways to say 'thank you.' But I do read them all and appreciate them; your positive feedback provides me with the motivation to keep updating!


	11. Bleach and Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot dyes Lapis' hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so tired i'm sorry if this is bad BUT AT LEAST I FINALLY UPDATED

Lapis sighed a little and leaned her head back, closing her eyes and allowing herself to become relaxed as Peridot ran her hands through her hair. The older girl had finally gotten her some hair dye, and while it required for her hair to be bleached, this was a pretty relaxing experience thus far. Even if the blonde had argued with her for almost twenty minutes and forced her to sit back while she called Dr. Maheswaran to make sure that it was safe to dye Lapis’ hair when she was pregnant. Nonetheless, as usual in the end - after pulling out some fake tears and a confirmation from the doctor, of course - Lapis got her way, and was currently seated on the bathroom floor with a towel wrapped around her shoulders as her roommate carefully bleached her hair.

“This is gonna burn a little bit,” Peridot warned before gently rubbing her fingers against the younger girl’s scalp to ensure that everything was bleached out and ready to dry so it would be dyeable. Surprisingly, the young woman felt no pain, and had to fight back the urge to tilt her head back a little to give her roommate a skeptical glare. She supposed it might not have bothered her much due to the pretty damn high pain tolerance she had built up, though, and decided to let it pass.

Once the blonde was apparently satisfied with how the bleach was settling in, Lapis noticed her shift so that she could sit in front of her and the two could face each other. Gingerly, as if afraid to hurt her, Peridot gently lifted Lapis’ shirt and rested her hands against the slight swell of her stomach. “She’s probably not going to move enough for you to feel her, if that’s what you’re waiting for. She’s not strong enough for that yet - I can’t even feel her.” Still, she allowed the contact to happen without a fight; the previous night had been enough to prove to Lapis once and for all that she could trust the blonde.

Peridot glanced up at her with curious green eyes, one eyebrow raised and her oddly curved mouth set into a frown. She almost looked confused, and honestly, that was a little entertaining to Lapis. “‘Her?’ Have you somehow gotten confirmation on its gender?” She asked.

“Ha, no, not until the sonogram in a few days. I just think she’s a girl is all.” The formerly dark-haired girl replied, watching Peridot quietly. Man, if she hadn’t had a crush on the nerd she certainly did now, and quite frankly it was getting stronger by the moment. She tried to convince herself that it was just hormones brought on by pregnancy, trying to urge her to find a suitable person to raise her offspring with, but… honestly, she didn’t think that was all there was to it, and for the most part the things that weren’t excusable by her isolation, status as a victim, or instincts were a mystery to her. Like why she wanted to make Peridot happy as well - if this was just because of all that, surely her thoughts would be selfish, trying to take as much as she possibly could?

“... Interesting.” The blonde frowned as she looked back towards the small bump. Lapis couldn’t help but wonder what on earth she could possibly be thinking about, though she tried to keep her own train of thought away from the negative possibilities and more towards the optimistic. “Do you have a name picked out yet? Or any ideas for one?” She sounded genuinely interested, at least, and that was honestly the best that the younger could hope for.

“I don’t know exactly which one I’ll go for, but I kind of want to name her after a gemstone. Like most people in this city are. Help her fit in a little, and keep an old tradition going, you know?” Lapis shrugged nonchalantly - honestly, most gem names she could think of were already taken by now, and she didn’t want to go with something that would probably be claimed soon like Emerald. She wanted something that she hadn’t heard of thus far - which was why she would probably have to steal that gemstone encyclopedia off of Steven that Rose mentioned.

“Sounds reasonable to me.” Peridot responded with a shrug before returning to her previous place behind Lapis to check on her hair. Apparently the bleach hadn’t dried yet, because the fingers didn’t go back to work - rather, the blonde kept talking from where she was. “And you’re absolutely sure that keeping the child is a good idea? I mean, I’m not sure if this living situation is permanent, and you’re so young, and with the origins of her conception and things like that--” Lapis whipped her head around to deliver a glare that she hoped was withering, and that succeeded in shutting up the other pretty goddamn quickly - and that instilled a slight sense of pride.

“I’m sure, Peridot.” She replied, turning back to face the wall. “And I don’t want to talk about that, okay? This baby is literally the only good thing that came out of that entire experience. Well, her and meeting you, anyway.” She didn’t even stop to think that she had just included Peridot as a positive consequence of her captivity and the abuse she had endured, and luckily she wasn’t getting teased for it thus far. “If it’s too much to handle, I can always put her up for adoption, alright? But I want to give it a shot. I want to give her a chance, and I want to give myself a chance. That probably doesn’t make much sense, but it’s my story and I’m sticking to it.”

Apparently, she had sounded stubborn enough, because the other didn’t voice any further doubts, just an “alright, sorry, it’s your choice anyway” as she resumed grumpily watching the bleach set in her hair. Lapis’ heart gave a slight pang as she thought back on what she said, and realized that her tone must have sounded a little nastier than she intended - which she honest to god genuinely felt bad about. The line hadn’t even been crossed on purpose, and she was aware that the older of the two was just trying to be helpful and make sure that Lapis was solid in her decision. Good intentions, really, just… very poorly executed. She’d noticed this becoming a habit in Peridot, and silently promised to help her out as far as breaking that habit went.

“... Sorry for snapping. It’s just a sensitive subject, and I’d really prefer to not have my decision questioned. I’ve thought about it for a long time, and I can really easily see all the flaws in it, and the way I was brought into this situation really isn’t something that I like being brought up, alright?” She sighed heavily and resisted the urge to run a hand through her hair, knowing that would fuck up the process of coloring it. “I mean, I can understand why you’re concerned. And I really appreciate that you are - I really, really do. But please try to understand that I know at least partially what I’m getting myself into and I’ve made my choice accordingly, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, okay.” Peridot sighed heavily and moved again so that the two were facing one another again. “I’m sorry, too. I know I kinda stepped over a boundary there, and it was stupid of me to do. I just… worry too much, I guess. You don’t have to listen to me and argue with me if you don’t want to.” A hesitant apologetic smile made its way onto her face, and it was enough to drive Lapis the rest of the way to just forgiving her right then and there. “I really, really admire you for being brave enough to try, though. Hell, I admire you for making it this far at all.”

Wow, okay, the unexpected praise combined with haywire hormones was enough to make Lapis unneededly emotional. She sniffled and leaned forward to wrap her thin arms around Peridot, who tensed up momentarily but quickly returned the embrace. Lapis nuzzled her face into the other’s shoulder, feeling content and safe and happy and wow she was an absolute emotional rollercoaster right now. Still, though, she was completely overwhelmed with good emotions at the moment, and it didn’t really matter if the sudden switch from being angry to being happy was disconcerting because it was such a positive switch. She liked it, in all honesty.

The two of them stayed like that for a time, just holding one another in the calm silence of the early evening on the perhaps slightly cold tiles of the apartment’s bathroom floor. It was in that moment that Lapis realized she’d stopped thinking of it as Peridot’s apartment at some point, but rather as their apartment - and maybe that was a little unsettling, because she was perfectly aware that it was her roommate doing most of the work as far as providing for the two of them went. She promised herself that she would think of some way to earn a bit of money herself - maybe her art blog on Tumblr still had some followers and she could do commissions? It was a possibility, and probably her only way of actually providing some sort of income. Was her bank account still open? She remembered the password, and there was a bit left in it…

She was ripped from her thoughts when Peridot shifted so that she could pull herself free. “I need to check your hair,” was the excuse the blonde gave as she stepped back to behind Lapis. There was a moment of silence, and the younger girl could feel her hair being messed with momentarily before the techie hummed in thought and spoke again. “It looks dry to me. I’m going to start putting the blue coloring in. According to this, we should dry your hair and then wrap it up and let it set overnight. You’ll be good to go before Rose comes and picks you up around noon.” Peridot set the blue dye back on the counter and crossed her arms, apparently waiting for some sort of response.

“Alright, sounds good.” Lapis replied, closing her eyes contentedly as she felt talented fingers go back to work in her hair. She hesitated, thinking more. She was a bit worried about getting sleep that night, and she really did want to get a good night’s rest in so that she could have some energy when she saw Steven again for the first time in over a year. She could already think of a pretty easy solution, but she felt a bit awkward about asking it - but oh, to hell with it. “Hey, um, Peridot?” She waited until she received a grunt of acknowledgement to continue. “Do you think you could stay with me tonight? Just to make sure I sleep alright. You don’t even have to cuddle up with me, just be in the same room.”

Though she couldn’t tell, the roommate in question was blushing madly. “I, uh, sure. Of course. I don’t mind at all, and whatever makes you comfortable, I guess.”

Lapis smiled brightly and sat still as the dye was placed in her hair the rest of the way and the hairdryer was used. By the time Peridot had finished wrapping her hair in a shower cap, though, she was awfully tired, which came out in the form of a yawn. She allowed the older to pull her to her feet and tug her to the bedroom, and considering both of them had just stayed in their pajamas all day neither bothered to change.

The now blue-haired girl was the first to lay down and huddle into the blankets, the blonde following her and gently wrapping her arms around her. Lapis rested her head beneath the other’s chin and closed her eyes, and given how safe and secure she felt it didn’t take very long for her to fall into a dreamless state of sleep.


	12. Reflected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis realizes how much she's grown up and then visits Steven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the record for how many words I've written in one chapter and also brings this fic past the 20000 words mark. Noice.
> 
> EDIT 1/3: whoops the line deleted, added it back

Looking at her reflection was an odd experience.

It was strange, how much it had changed in the last year. The morning she got kidnapped, she’d had long black hair that tumbled in loose curls and waves down to her waist. She’d seen herself broken and battered before it, watched the light fade from her own dark blue eyes and watched herself become an empty shell of a person through her own reflection. She’d seen herself gaunt and skinny and broken in a hospital gown, and then seen herself begin to heal. And now, here she was, standing in the bathroom of a place where she felt safe, staring into the mirror despite how much she hated seeing her reflection.

The color had returned to her face, a little bit more brightness and a little bit less tiredness in her eyes. She’d gained weight, her cheeks round as they had once been and the bump of her stomach visible through the fabric of the blue button up shirt she was wearing. Her long black skirt covered the scars there for the most part, and - just as Peridot promised - her messy hair was now a dark blue color, and she thought it suited her well. She hadn’t bothered to put makeup on - she never had and she doubted she ever would, it just felt like an unnecessary hassle.

Sometimes it was hard to believe she was only eighteen.

“Hey, Lapis, Rose just called. She just left her house and will be here in twenty minutes to pick you up, so you better stop obsessing over yourself in the mirror and finish getting ready to go.” Peridot spoke from the other side of the door, and Lapis was grateful that her privacy was respected despite the impatience she could clearly hear in the other woman’s voice. To others it might have been a small thing, a given, but Lapis was not used to having privacy after a year of having her body and her weaknesses exploited and used against her - she didn’t think she would ever take the simple gesture of somebody not walking in on her without permission for granted again.

“Don’t get your panties in a bunch, I’m almost done.” The teenager responded as she broke her gaze from the mirror to turn and face the closed door. “Besides, twenty minutes is a lot of time. It’s not like you’ll have to stand around and make awkward small talk. And even if you do, it’ll be good for you to get it out of the way so you don’t have to deal with it later, ya shut-in.” With that, she turned back towards the mirror and sink to bend over slightly and splash the water over her face.

“Says the girl who physically cannot talk to strangers!” The blonde snapped in response, and normally Lapis would snap back with an angry retort, but honestly she was right. “And I kinda wanna talk to you before you go, so please just hurry up and get ready.”

Well, that got her attention, and she probably would have continued being slow if the blonde hadn’t disclosed that. Lapis quickly grabbed a washcloth and dried her face, proceeding to try and comb out the tangles in her hair with her fingers - using a brush tended to frizz it up, and while it might have been a bit of a hassle, it got her looking better in the long run. All the while, she was concerned about what on earth Peridot could possibly want to talk about - had she overstepped a boundary somewhere? Done something wrong? Was she being kicked out of this apartment and being sent to live with the Quartz Universe family instead? As much as she loved Rose and Steven and Greg, she really hoped not - she was happy living here with the techie, and wouldn’t really have it any other way.

By the time she opened the door to the bathroom, her roommate had left her previous spot in the hallway. With a bit of a frown now present on her face, Lapis walked down to the kitchen to find Peridot sitting at the kitchen table, reading a Star Wars novel and looking deep in thought. “Hey, earth to Dotsy.” Lapis announced, sitting in the seat next to her and waving a hand in her face. “Whatcha thinking about? You said you wanted to talk to me before Rose gets here.”

Green eyes gave her the most unamused look possible before the paler of the two sat up straight and tried to put on a slightly professional look. Oh, boy, that was sign number one that she was about to lay on some news that Lapis wouldn’t like. Sign number two was that she was starting to try and avoid eye contact. The teenager frowned and started trying to build up a wall in order to make it so that anything bad wouldn’t hit her as hard - why had she even let the original mental block down in the first place? Wow, she didn’t even know what was about to happen and already she was kicking herself for getting attached to the nerd in the first place.

“When Rose called, she told me that she would be willing to take you in and get the hospital to make her your official… I dunno, legal guardian or whatever you want to call it.” Peridot spoke, and Lapis could feel her heart drop. She was being sent away, wasn’t she? She tried not to look too disappointed or even affected by this news. “I told her that you were fine here, but she insisted that I should ask you about it.” Oh. She relaxed a little - she had a choice in this matter and wasn’t just being treated as though trauma made her an object, which automatically put her more at ease. “Do you want to go stay with her and her husband and kid, or do you want to stay here? This is absolutely up to you, Lapis, and you don’t have to make the decision right away.”

She hesitated a little, mostly to make it seem like she hadn’t thought about it or dreaded it prior. “I would rather stay here. If you want me to, of course. I don’t want to… burden you or anything.” Suddenly, she felt a pang of guilt; Peridot was only twenty-one and already she was being forced to take care of a girl with a fucked up brain and, in about four or five months, that girl’s child. Well, okay, she wasn’t being _forced_ , but she probably felt obligated at this point. “I mean… what would you rather I do? You’re the one that’s taking care of me and being affected by my decision.”

“You’re not a burden to me.” Peridot replied, almost sounding offended that Lapis would even suggest that as a possibility. “And I’d rather you do whatever makes you comfortable. This isn’t my decision, and it’s not like it would change as much for me as it would for you if you were to choose to leave.” She tilted her chair back precariously, and Lapis had to bite back the temptation to tell her to straighten up or she would break her neck. “I mean, honestly? I would really like it if you were to stay here. I’ve kind of really gotten attached to you over the last month, Lazuli.” Did she just blush?

Lapis managed a small smile and looked down, folding her hands in her lap. “Alright, if you say so… I like living here, with you. As much as I love Rose, I feel like it’d be best for me to stay here… as long as you’re fine with it, of course.” Awkwardly, she moved one hand to rub the back of her neck before turning her gaze back to Peridot, an expectant look in her blue eyes.

“Of course it’s okay with me.” The blonde snorted a little, but she almost seemed… relieved? That was definitely encouraging, and made Lapis feel a little less like a clingy parasite that refused to leave. “I’ll let her know when she brings you back later. She said she wouldn’t question you about it, so don’t worry about being interrogated as soon as she gets you out of sight.” Peridot flashed her a grin then, and it looked as if it was a genuinely happy one. A warm feeling spread through Lapis at that - she was wanted by someone she enjoyed the company of, and it was the best feeling in the world.

“I’ve known her for a long time, and I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t even do that if she hadn’t promised not to.” She responded - Rose was kind, and understanding, and knew how much Lapis hated being pressured. “Thanks for coming to me about it instead of just making the decision for me, though. I appreciate it a lot.” Too many important decisions had been made for her recently, and this was two in a row she’d been able to handle on her own. It was very liberating.

“No problem. I-”

Whatever Peridot had been about to say was cut off by a sudden knock at the door, which caused both of them to jump and turn quickly. “I think she must be here.” The blonde said, pointing out the obvious, and stood to offer a hand to help Lapis up. “Have fun, don’t talk to strangers, all that jazz.”

Lapis resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

What a dork.

She liked her more and more every day.

* * *

 

Lapis had expected to be excited in the car, not nervous. Steven was ten, and loved everything and everyone he ever came into contact with, let alone the people he’d been friends with for a while. She should not have had any anxiety over being reunited with the kid, but… what if he was mad at her for not showing up and taking care of him the day she was kidnapped? Maybe that was a bit of a ridiculous idea, but it was still a possibility. Okay, a very low one, but a possibility nonetheless. Sure, Rose was describing to her the whole way how much Steven had missed her, and how excited he was to see her again, but that couldn’t stop her from dreading a potential negative reaction.

But the moment that she reached the door and a certain small child opened it for her in order to practically tackle her with a hug, all worries were forgotten. She wound up fighting down tears as she gently reached her arms to wrap around the boy, hugging him as tightly as she possibly could. “I missed you,” he said, “and I’m glad you’re back.”

She’d missed him, too, and boy was she ever glad to be back.

He wound up dragging her inside, announcing that he was going to help her catch up on all the Crying Breakfast Friends episodes she had missed (which she wasn’t particularly looking forward to, but she was mostly just happy to be spending time with the kid that was like a little brother to her). About an hour into the program, Bawling Blueberry and Grieving Green Bean were emotionally confessing their feelings for each other, and Lapis was about an inch from dozing off into Dreamland. Hopefully Steven couldn’t tell - she didn’t want to disappoint him, and that was all that was keeping her awake.

“Mom told me you’re going to have a baby.”

Well, there was never a more effective way to jar her out of sleepiness immediately. Silently praying to some higher power that he wouldn’t ask how or why, she just gave him a slight nervous smile and replied in a bit of a warning tone. “That’s right.” She still wasn’t ready to talk about what had happened to her, much less to water it down and simplify it enough that a ten year old that probably hadn’t even received the Talk yet would be able to understand it.

“Can I feel?” He timidly reached a hand over to her, as if afraid to touch her out of paranoia that she might break. It was kind of cute.

She nodded. “Yeah, but she’s too small to feel her move around yet. I can’t even feel her that much. Well, I mean, I can sorta feel her there, but I don’t feel her kick.” She lifted her shirt a little to permit easier access, and a small meaty hand was rested against her bump. Lapis shivered a little at the contrast between the warm extremity and the cold air.

“Wow.” Steven murmured before pulling his hand away. “I’m sure she’s gonna be the cutest baby ever. Do you have a name picked out yet? And can I hold her after she’s born?” Wow, there were almost stars in his eyes - she was pleasantly surprised that he was excitable about this, and especially pleased that he hadn’t hammered her with the questions she’d been dreading. Luck was, apparently, on her side for once in her goddamn life, and it was good.

“I don’t know yet, but I know for sure I’m going to name her after a mineral or a crystal. And of course you can hold her after she’s born. Heck, maybe someday in a few years you can babysit her, too.” Well, that was already guaranteed at that point. She’d watched Steven many times over throughout his childhood, and she knew that he was one of the gentlest people ever to live on this miserable planet. Aside from Rose and Peridot, she didn’t really think there was anyone more suitable for the job. “I’m sure you’ll be one of her favorite people, Steven. You just have to promise me you’ll be a good role model for her, okay?” He didn’t even need to say so; he couldn’t really be anything less.

The boy was so excited that he was practically bouncing, nodding enthusiastically. “I’ll be the BEST role model ever, Lapis, I promise!” Wow, he really was eager. She was glad that what she’d said put him in an even better mood so quickly and easily. “And I’ll help you pick out a name! Come on, I have a big encyclopedia of all kinds of rocks and stuff that I got for my birthday. We can find a super pretty one to name your baby after.”

He stood up quickly and offered a hand to help her, which she gratefully accepted - her back was starting to hurt occasionally from the extra weight. “Okay, but we have to find the prettiest one in the entire book. She has to be named after the best rock possible. Do you think we can do that?” She was only about half serious. She wanted her child to share a title with the nicest possible crystal, yes, but she also just wanted to make this into a sort of game. It was a force of habit left over from the babysitting class she had to take before Rose agreed to let her watch Steven the first time.

“Yeah!” He replied, tugging her upstairs to his bedroom and almost pushing her to sit down on the bed. “There are so many good ones, though, I don’t know if there’ll be just one prettiest rock to choose from!” Steven tugged a stepping stool to next to his bed and climbed up enthusiastically, tugging a big book from the shelf above it to hand it down to Lapis.

She examined the cover for a minute - the book was definitely well-loved, considering how worn the material of the cover was and how much the binding was beginning to break apart. It made a crinkling sort of noise when she opened it to the first page - the rocks were listed in alphabetical order, neat small text describing their mineral composition and where they could be found. It was a fascinating source on geology, for sure, and she figured she’d borrow it sometime just to look through on her own.

The search was a long one, as every stone was thoroughly examined on Steven’s insistence. Lapis swore she was going to be seeing the damn things drifting through her dreams every night for weeks, but admittedly it was a pretty good reason to be searching through and committing such a subject to memory. All of the minerals and crystals were pretty in their own ways, of course, but none of them really seemed to fit, and almost halfway through the book - beginning to go from the N’s to the M’s - Lapis began to dread that she wouldn’t find a name today. This was difficult; one of the most difficult decisions she had made in her life. She didn’t really know why, either, but it was definitely hard.

“How about this one?” Steven suddenly asked, pointing to a stone near the top of the first M page. Lapis shifted so that she could see it, almost exasperated by the suggestion; he had pointed out a lot of stones, most of which were nice but not quite the best. Needless to say, she wasn’t very optimistic as she began to study the stone that he was trying to suggest. She was, rather quickly, proved wrong.

It was green, and the patterns were what caught Lapis’ eye before anything else -  darker and lighter stripes and swirls and circles were stretching across its surface like ripples on the surface of a calm pond, almost making looking at it feel psychedelic and calming. The stone pictured was cleanly cut and smoothed into a teardrop shape, which really only added to its aesthetic, and Lapis knew immediately and without even looking at what it was called that it was it, it was the stone that her child would be named after. Quickly, she glanced from the picture to the bold title expressing what the mineral was called.

Malachite. It sounded about as good as it looked when she softly whispered the three syllables to herself.

“It’s perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry for the lack of updates, I hope this extra long chapter makes up for it.


	13. Stress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She just doesn't have room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somebody make Peridot take a nap.

There was  _ not  _ enough room in the apartment. And that wasn’t just Peridot being pessimistic again, that was a simple fact of life. There were only two bedrooms in the place, both of which were taken and not quite big enough to fit two people, and her computer things wouldn’t fit out in the pathetically small other rooms. She hadn’t quite realized it until she had been left alone in her tiny living space for the day; where the hell would a baby even fit? It was stressing the blonde out to no end, and she was glad she was alone to pace around the apartment and worry about what space she and Lapis had, or rather the lack thereof - the younger girl probably would have stressed herself out trying to reassure her if she was present, and stress wasn’t good for Lapis at the moment.

Hell, stress wasn’t good for  _ Peridot,  _ but at least she wasn’t pregnant.

She was going to have to move, find another apartment complex that they could live in. It was true that she had a bit of money to spare, but she wasn’t getting quite enough to afford new housing, and she couldn’t just fall back on her mother to pay for it like she had when she first moved out. This led, of course, to the realization that she had no clue how to pay rent, and that stressed her out even more. Her paychecks mostly went to food, her Internet bill, phone charges, and a few other things - and when she was done with that, she really didn’t have very much, and she had to save for anything and everything for at least a month. For the first time since she’d been hired, Peridot realized that her job didn’t exactly pay well. Maybe she could ask for a raise for taking care of Lapis? But that wouldn’t be very fair to her roommate, whom she knew hated being treated like an object or a science experiment. Her pacing intensified - she was used to having a plan, to having knowledge, but right now she had no clue what to do, and it was absolutely  _ destroying  _ her from the inside out. She felt… lost, somehow.

Maybe she could sacrifice some things? Like her unlimited data, or how much junk food she bought? That didn’t sound very much like her, but it might be something she needed to do. Making calculations in her head, she quickly walked back to her study, gnawing her lower lip in a bit of a nervous habit. The power button on her computer was pressed with intent, and Google Chrome was opened with almost record speed. Peridot had something very specific that she was looking for - an apartment larger than her current one, and affordable with her current income. Dozens of listings for spaces for rent popped up, and scrolling through them all filled her with a sense of hopelessness. They were all roughly the same size as their current apartment, or even smaller if in a classier part of town - there really wasn’t much of anything she could do as it stood at the moment.

It was true that the darn kid wouldn’t take up much space at first, but what about as they grew older? Eventually they would need a room of their own, and toys, and oh, god, she needed to start worrying about furniture like a crib and a dresser. Peridot’s stress levels were rising by the second - she didn’t know if she could find a new job, considering she was taking care of Lapis as part of her current one and that gave her pretty stable security. Changing careers meant taking a shot in the dark, taking a chance at finding something she could do and then getting laid off afterwards. Damn, she hadn’t signed up for this when she offered to take in a trauma victim… and yet, she couldn’t bring herself to regret it, or to force Lapis to move into a house that would be better able to take care of her kid. Even if she should hate the other woman for driving her blood pressure so damn up the walls, the amount she genuinely cared grew exponentially by the minute, and she wasn’t sure if she liked or hated it.

She didn’t even bother to turn off her computer, going right back to pacing around the halls and a few of the rooms. She could always continue freelance programming and try to charge more, of course, but she wasn’t entirely sure if her skills and capabilities were worth as much as she needed. It was true that she could write spectacular code, and it was true that she had some pretty overwhelmingly positive reviews strewn up over her Internet pages, but her self-consciousness dictated that she keep her prices down - she’d never needed much money before now, anyway.

The nerd decided to quit pacing around and do something useful, rushing back into her study and digging out a notepad and pen. Making a list of things she could do to earn some extra money was a better way to pass her time than just walking around and letting herself get stressed out, and was probably better for her, anyway. The list was dated and the title ‘WAYS TO MAKE $’ was scrawled across the top of the sheet - and then she ran a bit of a blank. Her skillset was almost completely limited to her short time in med school and her capability to work with computers - other than that, she was a bit of a lost cause, being asocial and perhaps a bit too impatient with most people. There were a few options she could think of within five minutes - like adding ads to her Tumblr blog, jacking up the prices of her freelance work by a few dollars, and maybe making an app - but she quickly ran out of steam and wound up hitting herself in the head with her notepad. Money really was a stressful issue, and she was already planning to write an essay on whether or not a moneyless society would make it very far.

It wasn’t like she could ask Lapis to get a job, either. For starters, that was a little rude and annoying in her eyes. She was aware that her roommate wasn’t exactly capable of working, either, considering she clammed up and wasn’t able to speak around strangers and rarely if ever handled getting out of the apartment without panicking a little bit. It would look a little unprofessional of Peridot to make her charge pursue employment and potentially worsen her condition anyway.

Peridot couldn’t help but wish she’d held onto some of her childhood possessions, which she was sure would probably sell alright - all she really had from before she turned eighteen was her Gameboy, Nintendo DS, and collection of Pokemon games and cards, which she wouldn’t give up for the world. Briefly, she fondly entertained the idea of teaching Lapis’ child how to play. Wouldn’t she technically be the stepmother of the equation, even if they didn’t wind up in a relationship?

Okay, maybe this whole ordeal  _ would  _ be worth it. The idea of having a family was quite attractive to her considering her lack of nurturing throughout her childhood, and it would be amazing to prove to herself that she was capable of being a better mother than her own had been. A sort of justice to herself that would be more satisfying than anything else - and she supposed kids were pretty cute, right? She just needed to do some reading on how babies worked and stuff like that… which would add to her workload and inevitably kill her from how overwhelming everything was, but it would be worth it in the long run. Besides, she’d suffered through the mess that was the American school system for most of her young life. She could handle stress, she just needed to get used to it again.

She  _ would  _ manage to make enough money to support a kid and get a bigger apartment, and she’d do it efficiently. It wasn’t impossible, it was just difficult, and she could handle difficulty. Even if she would probably die three times over from the pressure while doing it. “I can do this,” she murmured to herself, walking out to the couch and plopping on it before covering her face with her hands. “It’ll be a piece of cake. I just need to work hard and then get used to working hard, that’s it.” Maybe if she continuously told herself that, she’d start believing it.

The door opening startled her, and she quickly shifted her face so she was looking towards the entrance, ready to fight as best she could if it was a robber or something. Luckily, though, the person to walk from the hallway and into the apartment was Lapis, and she was smiling. “How come you’re out here? I thought you’d be on the computer or something when I got back.” She spoke, and the sound of her voice mainly served to remind Peridot of how enamored she was with the younger woman.

“I love laying on the couch. It’s very relaxing.” The blonde replied, rolling over so that she landed on the floor and then standing up and brushing herself off. “Considering you’re grinning like the Joker and not in tears, I’m going to assume that your visit went well?” She thought momentarily about walking over and giving Lapis a hug, but decided against it. That would probably be a little weird, even if she had just been thinking enough to need one and she considered her roommate her best - well, only, which made her best by default - friend.

“It did!” The blue-haired beauty replied enthusiastically, grinning and taking off her jacket to ditch it on a nearby chair. “It was really nice to see Steven - Rose’s son - again. He’s still really sweet, thank God. And I found a name for the baby, too, and it’ll work whether it’s a boy or a girl.” Her smile really was beautiful, and it caused Peridot’s heart to lurch in her chest a little. She’d never experienced enough of a crush to genuinely hurt her before, but there was a first time for everything, she supposed.

“Nice. What’s the name?”

“Malachite! After the rock, of course.”

Her first thought was that  _ mal  _ was Spanish for  _ bad,  _ but that disappeared pretty quickly. It did seem like the type of name that Lapis would give her child, and she was familiar with the stone - it was a pretty one, with swirls and interesting patterns, and that was probably why the younger liked it. “It’s a neat name,” she eventually replied, and spoke the truth when she did. “I like that stone, too. Isn’t it the green one with all the stripes and circles and stuff?”

“Yep! It’s kinda psychedelic, and it was the prettiest one I saw.” Lapis replied, looking pleased. It made Peridot almost ridiculously happy that something  _ she  _ said was the cause of that tone and expression. “Rose says she’s going to try and get a pendant - oh, and she wants you to call her later, too. Probably about, um, the question you asked me earlier, or something like that.” Her tone got a little annoyed at that, and the techie could only assume that it was because she hadn’t been trusted as the middle man.

But, right. She’d have to communicate the answer eventually-- she wasn’t particularly looking forward to it, but it was something that needed to be done. “I’ll get to her sometime tonight,” she answered, and honestly meant to. It really was unfortunate that she hated talking to people and Lapis had all sorts of different levels of anxiety when it came to communicating important things.

The young woman seemed a little concerned by her tone, and walked over to look Peridot in the eyes - which made her internally scream at a level that was almost depressingly loud. “Are you okay?” Lapis inquired pointedly.

“Yeah, of course.”

And she meant it.

For the most part.


	14. Well, That Was Convenient

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot gets an unexpected call from her mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess which fanfic author is experiencing a death related to the stress of midterms? It's me! But on the bright side, I do have a plan for the next fic I write after finishing this one.

Lapis had walked off to do something on the computer, leaving Peridot to her thoughts again - however, this time she decided not to occupy herself with worrying about the future and chose instead to lounge on the couch watching _Parks and Recreation_ on Netflix. She didn’t think there was much of anything she could accomplish by fretting about money for hours on end, and she hadn’t finished watching season seven anyway - maybe it was best to worry about it another time, when she could actually talk about it with someone that could offer more input. The younger of the two walked in to say goodnight at about ten o’clock, and the apartment was enveloped in darkness and silence at least an hour earlier than it usually was. The techie wasn’t sure how she felt about that.

With a sigh, she leaned on the arm of the couch, using her arms as a pillow. Maybe she would fall asleep out here tonight and wake up with her neck killing her - seemed like a worthy price to pay, considering she was mentally worn out and didn’t particularly feel like getting up and walking all the way to her bedroom. The moving pictures on the television were lulling her to sleep anyway, and she couldn’t bring herself to concentrate on much of anything - she was probably going to pass out whether she consciously decided to or not. Perhaps that was why the sudden blaring of her phone’s ringtone from her pocket caused her to sit up quickly enough to give herself whiplash.

Needless to say, she was more than a little surprised that the contact name displayed on the device read MOM. It had been months - maybe even years - since she’d last talked to her mother, the woman that had sort of raised her being constantly busy and Peridot herself being bitter about it. Frowning, she turned the smartphone over a few times between her hands, contemplating whether or not to answer. It didn’t take her very long to reach the conclusion that if her mother was calling her it must be important, and the screen was swiped and the device brought up to her ear. The techie didn’t even get a chance to utter a greeting before the businesswoman on the other end was talking.

“Dottie, hi. How are you?” She then paused, but not long enough to give Peridot enough time to respond. Annoyance was settling into the blonde rather quickly at this rate - what, this woman didn’t even have the decency to apologize for not making any move to contact her only daughter for this long? “I hope you don’t mind, but I did some peeking around at your websites. I couldn’t help but notice that you’re still interested in computers and programming and things like that.” Admittedly, maybe she was a bit offended that the most neglectful parent in the history of parenthood knew how to find where she made her spare cash. but whatever. “I also looked through some reviews, and they’re overwhelmingly positive. You’re very good with computers. I’m proud of you.”

Peridot wanted to say something along the lines of ‘flattery will get you nowhere,’ but honestly, there was an odd swelling in her chest that must have meant she was pleased. After twenty one years of trying in vain to get her mother’s attention, she’d at last heard the very sentence she’d been longing for most of her life. “Thanks, Mom.” She muttered, awkwardly rubbing the back of her neck - as overjoyed as she was, she wanted this conversation over. “Um, is there any reason you called besides talking to me about my freelance work? I’m flattered, but it’s getting late, and I have a few big days coming up.” Not technically a lie. Every day was an ordeal when living with Lapis Lazuli.

“Well, yes, actually. I’d like to offer you a job working for my company programming the website and a few ads as well, maybe an app to attract younger consumers. Quite generously paid, too. You could work from your home computer, and if it goes well, I may be willing to write in for you at a game-making company so you could write code there too. For now, this one would be very relaxed with perhaps one meeting with me a week, so you could still keep your internship at the hospital if you need to for that girl you’ve been taking care of.”

Peridot was shocked, too much so to wonder how on Earth her mother knew about Lapis. The last thing in the world she had been expecting was a job offer - and to add to that, she knew that she would _certainly_ be paid very, almost unnecessarily, generously for coding a couple of things considering her mother had been a powerful business owner since before she could remember and her wealth was only growing by the year. Still, she might as well ask. “Well, how much would I get paid?”

“Name your price, as long as it’s within my budget I’ll be able to pay it.” Christ, she could almost see her mother disinterestedly tacking at the computer keys with her cell phone tucked into her shoulder so she could talk while working. The blonde had convinced herself she barely remembered what her mother was like, but with only the slightest reminders it all came crashing back like a depressing train to Nostalgiaville.

Which left her to decide on a price. She could probably ask for something a bit outrageous, but she decided against it, quickly taking into consideration what she needed before responding. “I’ll probably build both from scratch. Can I call you to discuss later?” She requested, trying to swallow down the dry lump that had started building up in her throat. Why she was suddenly nervous, she had no clue. “I’ll start working sometime tomorrow when I get back from work, and depending on how complex it’s going to be I’ll make my decision based on that.” Yeah, that sounded pretty professional and reasonable. “So you can expect my call around nine or ten at night. And are you serious about the game company thing? Because that would be absolutely amazing.” No way in hell was she about to confess to her mother that she was kind of strapped for cash due to circumstances she could theoretically drop at any moment. That would result in a lecture about the importance of money over morals, which all but murdered her faith in humanity every single time and made her regret her own upbringing immensely. Briefly, she wondered why she couldn’t have just had a normal “money isn’t everything” mother.

“Of course. I should be able to take calls by then.” The woman on the other end of the conversation responded, and Peridot didn’t need to see her to know she was nodding. “Remember not to be shy about asking for a lot, Dottie. I have the money, and the way to get around wealthy people is to charge quite a bit. It’ll make you more, and they’ll be none the wiser.” She stifled a groan. Of course her mother was giving her (somewhat questionable) financial advice and telling her there was no shame in taking advantage of people less technologically advanced. Which, honestly, might not have been a bad idea, but it was slightly humiliating to have her own mother _allowing_ her to charge a bit too much for a stupid website. She was a bit ashamed to have been raised by this woman.

“Yeah, sure.” Peridot was distracted as she replied - it looked like she would be doing a little bit of apartment hunting while she was on a work computer the next day. It wasn’t like she did very much while she was behind her cramped little desk, anyway - just checking people in and out or occasionally directing them to a prosthetics specialist downtown, with a lot of Tetris to pass the time. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow at nine thirty sharp.”

“Sounds good to me. I’m calling you if you’re a couple of minutes late.” There was a moment’s pause, as if her mother expected her to say something before she spoke again. “Say hello to that girl for me. And do call me more often. I miss you, you know.” Another pause, and Peridot had to steel herself in order to not respond. She didn’t want to admit to any gross feelings. “Goodbye.”

“Bye, Mom.” The blonde replied, but before she could even finish saying the second word the phone had been hung up on the other end. An exasperated sigh left her as she was abandoned to her own devices again, leaning against the backing of the couch and covering her face with her hands. She had absolutely no clue why talking to her mother over the phone was so difficult, and didn’t even want to imagine how much of a disaster encountering her in _person_ was bound to be. Perhaps it was because she typically answered phones with a monotone and the minimal amount of interest, but when it came to her family she was required to sound at least a little energized. Or perhaps she was still just coming to terms with how every time she’d cried out for help during her teenage years she was ignored.

With a heavy sigh, Peridot stood up and stretched. She might as well head to bed - she was beat, and sleeping sounded like total bliss at the moment. Walking into the hallway, she made the decision to check on Lapis before making her way to her own bedroom - she, again, didn’t want to make things weird, and though she was sure she’d miss waking up next to the other she certainly was getting a little tired of opening her eyes and immediately becoming flustered. Even so, she didn’t think she would be able to sleep right if she was sure that her roommate wasn’t having another nightmare, hence why she was going to check on her first. It was a good plan, and maybe she would start staying up late in order to put it into motion more often! Life would be at least three times less awkward.

As soon as she creaked open the door to Lapis’ room a crack, though, her heart jumped in her chest and she was reminded of exactly how enamored she was. The blue haired young woman was laying on her side, facing the door, messy hair falling in her face and her mouth wide open as she snored, one hand protectively curled around her abdomen and the other hugging the pillow to her head. She looked very peaceful, which was both reassuring in the sense that she _definitely_ wasn’t having a nightmare and stressful in the sense that she was completely adorable and Peridot was very, very gay. Why, oh, why had she been cursed with a crush on her? It just wasn’t fair in any sense.

Peridot walked over and kneeled down to Lapis’ face level, carefully brushing some hair from her slack and resting face. “Everything’s gonna turn out fine,” she muttered to the sleeping girl, partially as a reassurance to herself and partially to get things out in the air (even if her roommate was passed the fuck out and a heavier sleeper than Rip van Winkle when she wasn’t experiencing a nightmare). “I’ve just gotten my hands on a way to make a lot more money, and even if that doesn’t cover it all I might have a new, better paying job coming up in the near future. Things look bright for once, Lapis. I’m probably not going to be willing to say this to your face when you’re awake, but I’ll do it now. I think you were right. Everything _is_ gonna be okay.”

Of course, the blue haired girl did not respond, still sleeping soundly. Peridot sighed heavily and stood up, planting a soft and stolen kiss on Lapis’ forehead before leaving the room in order to hit the hay herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out this art by treker402 on Tumblr! http://teamchaosprez.tumblr.com/post/137305920377/treker402-my-favorite-fanfic-vital-ive


	15. Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis returns to the deep, dark hole that is the Internet. And then the furnace breaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why are so many of you giving this story kudos? thank you so much oh gosh;;  
> this chapter isn't that good and i apologize

In her determination to not be useless, Lapis had gotten a few things done in her time on the computer. Firstly, she managed to remember the password to her bank account after several wrong guesses and checked her balance - she still had what was left of her college fund from small retail jobs and babysitting Steven, so a little more than two thousand dollars. Secondly, she discovered that her old debit card was still attached to her Amazon account - really, why hadn’t her mother taken steps to deactivate. secure and transfer things if she was presumed dead? She was always one for ensuring no fraud could be pulled out of anything - and she ordered a decent drawing tablet with which she could do commissions and earn money. And lastly, she got into her old Tumblr account after needing to reset the password through her email address.

The first few posts on her dashboard were rather passive aggressive social justice comments, and she wasted absolutely no time in unfollowing the poster. She didn’t need any of that bullshit, even if she wasn’t planning on getting back into the habit of spending hours a day scrolling through fandoms, aesthetics, and shitposts. She also noted with a hint of underlying disgust that Staff had made excessive changes to the layout of the website _again,_ and while it wasn’t difficult to figure out how to navigate her way through the adjustments it was certainly annoying.

The first decision was whether to make a post on her art blog and then reblog it to her personal or to make a post on her personal and then reblog it to her art blog. Maybe she would post a brief and vague explanation to her personal and then make the commissions announcement on the other. Yeah, that seemed like a pretty good idea, reasonable enough. Her most recent post made her heart lurch a little in her chest - “off to babysit, will be back in a few hours!”. It was almost depressing, how much she’d been forced to change. She wished she could go back in time, stop herself from assuming that the feeling of being watched and followed wasn’t just her being ridiculous and paranoid. Or rescue herself from the back of the truck she still remembered in vivid, terrifying detail. But, of course, that would create a paradox, and she used this knowledge of how theoretical time travel worked to sidestep a flashback or hour of moping and get to making her posts.

What could she even say to excuse over a year of absence? “Hey, sorry for being gone. Some really awful things happened, and I just recovered enough to move on and get back to life. I won’t be online as often as I used to be and I probably won’t be as talkative. Also, I’m pregnant and need to help my roommate make some money so all three of us can be supported. You can help me out by buying some commissions here.” Insert link to her art blog. Yeah, that was reasonable enough, even if the mention of being pregnant kind of gave away what she was trying to be vague about. Maybe people would be considerate enough to not ask her about it.

Lapis then made a pretty simple commission chart with Microsoft Paint - Peridot _did_ have several higher editing programs on this computer, but Paint was quicker and easier to use - and finished up what she had to do on the computer by posting that and reblogging it to her personal. It made her feel a little bad that she was _insanely_ rusty on her drawing and trying to charge for work that was probably less than what was advertised, but if she spent all her time between the next morning and when the tablet came in sketching on every piece of paper she could find, she’d probably be in practice enough.

She dreaded how sore her hand and eyes would be for the next few months already.

Once she was satisfied, she turned off the computer and leaned back, rubbing her eyes. It wasn’t all that late, but she was tired with a capital T, and mostly just wanted to get some sleep. Even if she was probably doomed to have a nightmare or two while trying to do so. Sliding out of the computer chair to her feet, she slowly walked out of the office and to the living room, able to determine Peridot’s presence there thanks to the drabble of the television.

Lapis leaned over the back of the couch a little so she could talk to her roommate a little. “I’m headed to bed.” She announced, noticing with a small amount of guilt that the blonde looked exhausted and stressed out. There could be many things causing Peridot to have such an expression, but the most pressing was probably anything involving _her,_ and that was a highly distressing matter. “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” was the quick answer, and Lapis knew that meant she was probably dying inside a little bit. “Goodnight. I’ll probably fall asleep out here, so if you need me and I’m not in my room, don’t freak out or anything.” She _sounded_ tired, too.

“Understood. Try to get some sleep soon, okay? You look exhausted, and I don’t want you to like… overwork yourself or anything.” She smiled slightly. “I’ve grown kind of fond of you, and if you keel over and die because of stress I wouldn’t take it well.”

Peridot snorted a little and nodded, offering a very faint smile in return. “Okay, okay, I’ll keep that in mind.” And the tone of her voice signalled that the conversation was probably over, so Lapis reached over to ruffle her hair and left the room.

Upon reaching her room, the teenager walked over to the bed and climbed under the covers, positioning them around her so that she was wrapped around in a cocoon that would protect her from whatever the night chose to throw at her. It couldn’t defend her from much of anything (especially not her own _mind_ ), but it was a nice thought anyway and helped ease whatever fears towards sleep she still couldn’t get over. She was fatigued to an extreme level, and so it didn’t take her all that long to fall into a secure nothingness.

Unfortunately, she was jarred out of it quite easily when the door to the room opened and some light flooded in. Perhaps it was a leftover survival instinct, but either way, she was more aggravated by the sudden wakeup call than she was startled - probably because she wasn’t even a tenth of the way awake yet and no part of her wanted to move all that much, even her skittish and easily provoked brain.

Peridot’s voice was pretty much what she expected and was what she got as a silhouette obscured her vision. She couldn’t make out or understand most of what was being said to her, but based on the relieved tone of voice it was good news - she’d ask about it in the morning if she remembered to. According to the lull of the void already reclaiming her, though, it wasn’t likely she would have even the vaguest recollection that anything significant had happened.

The sweet release of sleep swept her up once more.

* * *

Lapis woke up early, as she always tended to, and she was deeply certain that despite that habit she was _not_ a morning person. An extended whining noise forced its way past her throat as she processed that she was no longer asleep and some very slight grey light had made its way into the room - her first instinct was to move the pillow so that it covered her face. Maybe she could block out the light and catch some more sleep. Or suffocate herself so much that consciousness was no longer a feasible option.

Much to her frustration, though, she was becoming more and more awake every moment she lay in bed trying to _not_ be. After perhaps a half an hour of trying to escape consciousness, it occurred to her that she had laid around being useless long enough and probably ought to get the hell out of bed and face the world. She slowly, reluctantly, removed the pillow from her face and turned her head so that she could see the analog clock over her door.

It was only five in the goddamn morning. New record.

In classic mopey teenager fashion, Lapis forced herself to free herself from the blankets and get to her feet. She immediately regretted it - it was _freezing_ in the room, in contrast with the cozy warmth of bed, and she hugged herself while shivering and wondering why in the hell it was so cold. The heating system of the building, while cheap, usually kept the apartment a livable temperature when the thermostat was cranked up - not this morning, apparently.

Temptation took her within moments, and she quickly returned to sweet, sweet heat.

There was nothing in the world more glorious than relief from freezing her ass off.

Maybe she dozed off again, because when she eventually opened her eyes the clock read eleven and it was even cold _under_ the covers. Lapis curled in on herself, trying to conserve body heat, and the unmistakable sound of Peridot pacing around in the hallway soon became apparent. She was also evidently talking on the phone, according to the high pitched and annoyed rambling.

After a little while, the door opened, and the blonde stood at the edge of the room.

“Furnace is broken.”

“That explains why it’s so fucking cold.”

“You’re going to have to get up soon, your sonogram is in a few hours.”

She groaned loudly, and it lasted about a solid minute. She didn’t _want_ to get up - the blonde was shivering and rubbing her hands up and down her arms in an attempt to stay warm, and Lapis wanted absolutely nothing to do with any of it.

“If I get in there and snuggle with you for a little while, will you cooperate?”

“That’s a dangerous trap you’re setting up there.”

“I know. But I think I can handle it. _Somebody_ in this apartment needs to be time efficient, and no offense, but you’re not exactly the quickest clod unless it has to do with food.”

Lapis rolled her eyes, but quickly loosened the cocoon around her and lifted the blanket to permit her roommate entry. The invitation was quickly accepted, the techie rushing over and burrowing under the warmth with absolutely no hesitation. They fell into a comfortable position rather quickly, Lapis’ head under Peridot’s chin and the other’s arms resting around her.

“Jesus, your hands are freezing.”

“And you’re like a space heater, so shut up.”

“I _will_ lick your throat.”

“I don’t doubt it.”

Silence followed, and time proceeded to melt into itself as the two rested against one another. By some stroke of dumb luck, neither of them fell asleep - and fifteen minutes later, Peridot shifted as if she was getting ready to get up. Lapis made an exaggerated whining noise once more and quickly ensnared her roommate in a strong hold, too tight and unrelenting to possibly be a hug. Said techie sighed heavily and dramatically, but made no effort to push her off - that would _definitely_ not end well if she even _thought_ about it for more than a couple of seconds.

“Lapis. It’s time to get up, come on.”

“Noooooooo.”

“I’ll take you out for coffee as soon as you get dressed and we can wait around in a warmer place until it’s time for your appointment.”

“Noooooooooooooo.”

“Am I going to have to force you to get up and get ready?”

“Maybeeeeeeee.”

Quiet followed for about thirty seconds, but Lapis wasn’t cocky enough to let herself think that she’d won. Her roommate was stubborn and persistent, especially when it came to avoiding being late.

“I’ll tell you a secret.”

Admittedly, that interested her a little, but she didn’t reply, keeping a neutral and ever so slightly pouty face. She liked gossip, but she _didn’t_ like being cold or facing the unknown.

“A secret about that one nurse from the hospital you hated.”

“...” A pause. “... Fuck you.”

“Does that mean you’re getting up?”

“Yeah. Just gimmee a second.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more than halfway done with the story now.


	16. Healthy

Lapis had been checked into her appointment mercifully quickly, and now instead of sitting awkwardly to the side in the  _ waiting room  _ Peridot was now sitting awkwardly to the side in the actual  _ examination room.  _ They offered ultrasounds in the actual hospital that she worked at, but Dr. Maheswaran had directed them to an actual specialist instead - an unnecessary middleman, in the blonde’s eyes, but whatever got the job done. She probably would have preferred to wait in the waiting room, but she needed to be around to make sure Lapis was comfortable enough to cooperate fully - not that this was even a complicated process, she would just feel insanely guilty for the rest of her life if she let the younger woman go in on her own when she was uncomfortable with strangers as it was.

Currently, she was seated in a chair next to the examination bed that her roommate was currently on, answering the doctor’s questions as best she could (which wasn’t very well, even she hadn’t been told more than what she needed to know). Those that she couldn’t answer but were necessary, Lapis would mutter the answer to so that only Peridot could hear it. Twice she considered just telling the younger to speak up and answer herself, but she knew it might end poorly, so she refrained from doing what would make her look like an asshole.

“How many months pregnant is she?” 

“We don’t know.”

“Do you have a general estimation?”

“She thinks four or five, we were hoping you would be able to tell.”

“When was the last time she engaged in sexual activity?” Well, that was an insensitive question if Peridot ever heard one - wasn’t the name Lapis Lazuli common knowledge for anyone that had watched the news in the last couple of months?

“Almost two months ago, but she says she was showing symptoms at least a month or two before that. She couldn’t exactly tell the  _ time,  _ and the activity was apparently kind of frequent.”

“Oh, right. She’s that girl that disappeared for eleven months. I forgot about that.”

“Yeah.” Peridot also had to bite back her opinion as far as this how professional this person’s behavior was and using her own work in the hospital as an excuse for knowing. She was annoyed to an extreme level, just wanting to get the ultrasounds and a rough idea of a due date so they could get the everloving hell out of there. “Is that all you needed to know?”  _ Please say yes. _

“For the moment, yes.”  _ Thank God. _ They reached into a drawer on their desk, pulling out a bottle of gel and reaching over to move their cursor and shift the ultrasound machine out of sleep mode. They then turned to Lapis in order to address her, and Peridot hoped they knew not to ask her directly any questions. The process was explained rather quickly, which the techie was relieved about - the sooner they could get out of here, the better, though it probably didn’t need  _ quite  _ as much of an explanation to begin. It was common knowledge that ultrasounds used high-pitched frequencies to put together an image of whatever needed to be looked at - in this case, Lapis’ placenta and uterus.

Or maybe this was all new to the person it was actually for, in which case it was nice to know exactly what was going on. As impatient as she was, Peridot had to admit that if she were in Lapis’ position and had little knowledge about medical procedures she would probably be firing question after question in the direction of the sonographer. (Thank stars the younger woman wasn’t much of a talker, because she liked to know what was going on and they’d probably be there for  _ hours. _ )

Lapis tensed when her shirt was pulled upwards slightly and automatically reached for Peridot, who had no second thoughts about letting the younger take hold of her hand. She shivered when the cold gel touched her skin, though she didn’t allow herself to react very much; maybe she saw anything else as a sign of weakness, which the blonde thought was a bit silly but could understand to some extent. She’d been through a lot, after all, and stars only knew how certain things would be punished.

It didn’t take all that long for a grainy image to appear on the screen, revealing the clear outline of the fetus currently growing inside Lapis’ womb. Peridot couldn’t help but feel a little in awe - though that wore off pretty quick when she remembered to watch the younger to make sure she was okay. A brief glance was all it really took to know that she  _ was,  _ considering she was smiling slightly.

“Are they a boy or a girl?” The first words she’d spoken to someone she’d never met, and maybe the biggest and most sudden step that Peridot had seen her take. She probably could have asked for her if required, but she was more impressed than miffed.

“A girl. And she looks pretty healthy, we just need to measure her heartbeat in another room to make sure that’s steady, too.” The sonographer offered a small smile, which Lapis hesitated before returning.  _ Note to self, this is a good motivator to getting her to talk to strangers, _ Peridot thought to herself before scolding her own mind for sounding like an asshole.

The rest of the appointment was, for the most part, uneventful. Checks to ensure that Lapis’ lack of prenatal healthcare hadn’t affected the growth and development of the unborn child; luckily enough, everything seemed to be in order. It was determined that she was five months into her pregnancy, and that Malachite could be expected to be born in early May - “The seventh could be set as her official due date, but you’ll have to keep on coming in for check-ups. She might grow too big and need to be delivered early.” Exact dates were unavailable, so it was all entirely assuming. Not a way of doing things in which Peridot was comfortable, but she knew that the doctors and everyone were doing their best to get as close to perfect as they could under the circumstances.

Once the time came that they could go home, Peridot was completely exhausted; and judging by the way Lapis had yet to let go of her hand or remove her head from her shoulder, the other wasn’t doing much better. “I could probably sleep for the next ten thousand years.” The blonde commented as she pushed open the door so that the two of them could leave into the cold winter air. Stars, it really was freezing out that day - she hoped that the furnace was fixed by then, because she didn’t know how much more cold air she could take.

“Same.” Lapis commented quietly, glancing around as if she was afraid that they were being tracked. Peridot found it a little odd, but didn’t say anything about it. “Can we just stay inside the rest of the day? I don’t think I can handle much more time in public.” Honestly, it was a wonder she’d made it this far outside her comfort zone at all.

“Yeah, of course… I might have a shift tonight, though, so I’ll have to check my calendar to find out whether I actually can. You can stay home, though.” Peridot thought she could trust her to not do anything stupid while she was gone by now - the blue-haired girl had been making nothing but progress, after all, and knew how to contact her in an emergency. “With any luck, the building’s heat should be fixed by now and it’ll be nice and toasty for us when we get back.”

“That sounds nice.” Lapis responded, finally releasing her grip on her roommate in order to walk to the passenger side of the car and open the door. She was shivering by the time she’d climbed in and buckled her seatbelt, rubbing her hands together and blowing some hot breath on her fingers in an attempt to warm them up quickly. “I think I’m going to start trying to get back into drawing. I can, um, sell them online as commissions and make some money to help out. I still have my old PayPal and my old bank account, so it… shouldn’t be all that hard. I’m just out of practice.”

“You don’t have to worry about the money situation.” Peridot replied almost immediately, feeling a bit bad that the other had picked up on that. “I mean… yeah, of course you can help. But I might be getting a new job soon that pays a  _ lot _ better than the one I have right now does, so you don’t have to worry about making a  _ ton _ of money. Any little bit will help, even if you don’t make more than… I dunno, five bucks.” Man, she probably wasn’t articulating this all that well, was she? “I mean. What I’m trying to say is, it’s great that you’re taking charge and trying to help out. But please don’t get all stressed out about it. I studied accounting in high school, so I know how to manage money.”

There was a pause, and then Lapis slowly nodded. “Okay, you lost me a little bit there, but I think I got it based on your tone of voice.”

Silence rested over them once more as Peridot pulled out of the parking space and began driving towards the apartment building. The quiet was what prompted the blonde to think - chiefly about whether or not she should confess her feelings, and when if ever.  _ Soon,  _ she promised herself,  _ soon.  _ As much as she didn’t want to ruin whatever comfort was between the two of them, she also didn’t want to start being dishonest and start hiding secrets from the younger. It would make it look like she didn’t think Lapis was very trustworthy, and that was the last thing she wanted. Hell, maybe she could even tell her right now! Yeah, what could possibly go wrong? She’d just announce as casually as she could that she had developed rather strong romantic feelings for Lapis. Maybe it wouldn’t end in disaster.

That option was ruined, though, when she pulled into the parking space set aside for her car without even realizing it. Curse her brain going into autopilot as soon as it entered the general area.

Ah, well. There would always be another time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok admittedly i haven't been to an ultrasound or anything since i tagged along to one while my mom was pregnant with my youngest brother so i apologize for any inaccuracies
> 
> thank you so much for all the support!


	17. One Month Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose and Lapis have a talk about Lapis' feelings towards Peridot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lapis stresses out too much somebody make her settle down

A lot could be accomplished in a month, as Lapis found out. Some things were smaller, such as finding out that Malachite was growing a bit fast for a fetus at her stage, or a drawing tablet coming in the mail and Lapis starting to improve her drawing once more. Others were drastic and large, like Lapis officially coming off of hospital watch to become the full fledged roommate of Peridot, or the blonde successfully doing a website commission and then getting a new job coding for a video game company. Oh, and the combined income of Lapis’ pity-driven drawing commissions and Peridot’s much better paying new job was enough for the two of them to be able to afford a new and larger apartment in a building that was much better put together and a bit closer to the company base where Peridot worked.

It took a month for everything to get sorted out and for them to save enough money for the apartment, food, and some other extras (namely: Netflix, phone service, and the Internet). By the time everything had been paid for and both of them were ready to move out to their new apartment, Lapis was six months pregnant and Peridot was vehemently  _ against _ her doing any heavy lifting, or even any  **light** lifting out of fear she might hurt something or, even worse, go into critically premature labor. No matter how much the teenager tried to argue that she wasn’t helpless, her roommate had pressed for her to just stay with Rose for the day or so it would take for all the furniture and belongings to be moved.

She was restless before they even pulled into the driveway, and it only got worse as Peridot hugged her goodbye and then  _ left.  _ Lapis hadn’t foreseen the pure heart wrenching anxiety that would come from watching the beaten up green Volkswagen drive away. She knew that the blonde would be coming back for her, but she couldn’t help but feel worried that she  _ wouldn’t,  _ that this had all been just a ploy to ditch her on Rose and get the bigger apartment all to herself. She, really, had no clue where the paranoia had sourced from, and had no clue why it refused to leave her be, but for the first small span of time that she was in the Quartz Universe household she had paced about the living room, occasionally answering Steven’s questions about what she thought would happen between Percy and Paulette in the next episode of  _ Camp Pining Hearts. _

Lapis had said that she didn’t think Percy and Paulette had much chemistry, and that she thought Paulette would end up with Petunia in the end instead. Maybe Percy would be with Pierre, too, since the leading dude couldn’t just be left on his own to live a long, sad life knowing that he’d missed out on a brief but passionate summer romance in his late teens. That would just be cruel. Steven had nodded sagely in agreement and gone back to watching the program.

It was a soap from the nineties that Rose had watched during high school, so technically speaking, it wouldn’t be hard to just marathon the rest of it and find out; but for some reason Steven liked to take it one episode at a time, watching every Friday after school. Lapis had questioned him about it before, and he’d responded that he liked to experience it like it was meant to be experienced, cliffhangers and all, as if it was the most obvious answer in the world and she was roughly as intelligent as a two year old for not realizing. Lapis herself didn’t have the patience to deal with the forced straight person goo-goo eyes for more than ten minutes at a time, so she hadn’t even come close to watching the entire series yet. She did, however, have quite a few ships, because after years of Tumblring and unlearning automatic acceptance for forced romantic relationships she tended to search for relationships that could  _ actually _ work out and also just happened to be gay. Okay, maybe she tended to favor gay ships over straight ones, but that was probably just because she herself was gay.

After roughly an episode and a half of pacing, her thoughts turned to what the  _ real _ problem of the situation was - she was crushing on Peridot, hard, and it was making her afraid of being abandoned. She was certain that her feelings were probably unreciprocated, which was the entire reason why she hadn’t just up and admitted it yet. Not to mention she was still worried that, perhaps, it was just infatuation brought about by being treated kindly and put first after a year or so of being used, abused, and humiliated in the worst possible ways. Though, over a month of feeling like this was probably enough to shoot that doubt right out of her mind, or at least it should have been.

“You look like you have something on your mind.” The maternal voice made her jump - she hadn’t noticed Rose approaching her. She quickly settled, though, turning around so that she could smile weakly at her aunt figure. “If you want, I could give you some advice or just listen to you talk. We’ve got a lot of time to burn before Peridot and the movers are done with your apartment, and I’d rather not have you stressing out through half of that.” Rose offered her hand then, waiting patiently.

Lapis hesitated before taking it. She trusted that Rose would be able to give her some sort of advice - she’d been through a lot of relationship drama before eventually settling down and marrying Greg, so she probably had some wise words to say about whether certain things and feelings could actually be classified as love. As the large woman began to lead her from the room and into the hallway, though, she began to worry - what if she just got some ‘follow your heart’ bullshit like every movie ever liked to force down people’s throats? That was the  _ last  _ thing she needed.

Before she could change her mind, though, Rose had taken her to the spare bedroom that was temporarily hers and sat her down on the bed, settling beside her. Another moment of paranoia passed through Lapis upon realizing their surroundings and that they were  _ alone,  _ though she quickly reminded herself that the older woman had known her since she was a baby and probably would do nothing to harm her under any circumstances. Still, though, she couldn’t help but squirm a little.

“It’s… about Peridot.” She started slowly, carefully, deciding to watch her hands instead of Rose’s face. Slender fingers entwined with their counterparts and settled carefully in her lap, thumbs twiddled just a moment before she forced them to still. “I… like her. A lot. I think I might be in love with her, actually, but I’m not sure. I’ve never… actually been  _ in love _ , so I don’t have any past experience to go by, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t feel the same way about me. I mean, why would she? I’m just some mentally ill nut she picked up from the hospital.” A forced laugh made its way past her throat. “I mean, I think it might just be infatuation or just a really strong emotional attachment, since I wasn’t really used to being treated kindly when I met her. And I shouldn’t even be able to  _ consider _ loving somebody after what happened to me.” One hand broke from formation to run through dyed hair, a nervous habit that she had held since she was a child. “I just don’t know what’s  _ wrong _ with me. I shouldn’t have even been able to start trusting her in the first place, let alone start crushing on her like this. She’s… my best friend, too. I don’t want to ruin one of the only positive relationships I have left. She’s cute, and smart, and funny, and cares about me, and I don’t want to lose her.”

Rose was thoughtful for a moment, silent. One hand reached over to take Lapis’ free one from her lap and hold onto it gently, the woman then brushing some blue bangs out of the teenager’s eyes and examining her face. The scrutinization made Lapis want to shrink away, but if Rose noticed, she didn’t particularly react. It felt like hours of silence had passed before she finally spoke, and when she did it was slow, controlled, as if she was figuring out what she was saying as she went along and still trying to put effort into not saying the wrong thing.

“For starters, Lapis, there are a lot of things to love about you. You’re beautiful, smart, determined, and driven, and no, not ‘just some mentally ill nut.’ You were depressed long before last year, and that never made you any less of a human being - so why would this?” There was a moment’s pause, but not enough to allow Lapis to interject with a denial. Which might have been wise. “Secondly, I’ve seen the way you talk about her. I might not be a mind reader, but something about the look in your eyes when Peridot is mentioned tells me that what you’re feeling is probably stronger than just a fleeting infatuation that you’ll get over in no time. It would have started fading by now if it was, anyway.” There was another moment’s pause, in which Lapis sunk her shoulders a little and had to admit that Rose was at least partially right. “And lastly, things like  _ love _ can’t just be reasoned with by trauma. One’s ability to experience it might be, sure, but that isn’t always a given, and when it hits, it hits. There isn’t much you can do about it, in my opinion.” She shrugged, but gave a kind smile that reached her eyes and gave them a light that twinkled like stars and held the same mischief.

“So what should I do?” Lapis asked - she trusted Rose enough that she would take and believe what had just been explained, but that still left the problem of what she would do with that information and what she could possibly accomplish in doing so.

“Tell her how you feel.” The woman responded simply, with the same tone as Steven explaining why he watched his shows the way he did.

“I can’t just do that!” The teenager replied, barely able to keep her voice from becoming shrill with distress. “She’ll probably reject me, or worse, kick me out. I doubt she loves me back, Rose, I don’t think I could handle actually telling her that I have a massive crush on her.” Keeping and raising a child? Sure, no problem. Telling people how she felt? Abort mission immediately.

“Oh, I think you could do it.” Rose replied, still as patient as ever, and for the first time since her middle school scene phase that patience frustrated the everloving fuck out of Lapis. “You’re a very brave girl, and very forward. I don’t think you’ll have much of a problem at all.”

“There’s a difference between telling somebody that their art sucks and telling somebody that you like them!” Her face was starting to heat up a little, and she knew it, but she didn’t know how to settle it. “Besides, I’m not afraid of being mean to people, so I can be forward without any issues then, but when it comes to the feelings of myself and somebody I actually  _ care _ about more than almost anything else, it gets a little hard!”

Rose remained patient, watching her with her head tilted. “Well, you asked me for advice, and I gave it to you.” She responded simply. “It’s up to you whether you actually act on it or not. But I think it would be a good idea for you to. Honesty is a virtue, and when it comes to roommates and potential girlfriends it’s especially important.”

Silence for several beats before Lapis bowed her head, defeated.

“... Okay, I’ll try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please please please remember to leave some feedback if you're enjoying this!


	18. Lonely Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot is having trouble with her feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter isn't all that great. It took me like 3 days to write because I've been rather sleepy lately.

Something that Peridot frequently tried to do was drown her emotions underneath logic and keep herself busy all the time so she wouldn’t have to deal with it. Unfortunately, now that the apartment was finished and all set and she had been done for about twenty minutes, her thoughts began wandering to Lapis Lazuli again. Her smile, her kind of meek and quiet strength, the way she said Peridot’s name… it was exceedingly frustrating how thoroughly the young woman had the tech guru wrapped around her finger. And that was the main reason that the blonde had asked her to stay with Rose while everything was moved - she couldn’t bear the thought of anything hurting Lapis again, emotionally and/or physically,  _ especially _ something that she could have prevented just by keeping her out of the whole moving process. As she promised, nothing was going to happen to Lapis or her child.

Peridot let out a frustrated groan as she flopped onto her bed, covering her face with her hands. She’d promised to pick her roommate back up directly after finishing the apartment, but it was well after one in the morning - and besides, the green paint in one room she’d paid particularly special attention to was still drying. Lapis had probably been asleep for  _ hours _ by then - if she was settling okay into the different environment, anyway. For not the first time that day, Peridot found herself worrying about whether or not the younger girl was nervous, or something like that. She wondered if Rose knew how to handle it if the teenager had one of the nightmares that made it impossible for her to fall asleep again unless she was being held, and if Lapis would wake up confused in a room that was different from her usual bedroom and have an anxiety attack because of that. And then she wondered if the blue-haired woman would have issues moving into a new apartment for the very same reason.

All things considered, the blonde was probably worrying too much. But she couldn’t help it. She had never been particularly good at keeping calm, or avoiding her concerns, or, to be honest, drowning her emotions like she wanted and tried to. Everything always had to hit her eventually, whether it be when her XBox needed an update or when it was one o’clock in the morning and she’d just finished moving all her limited belongings into a new apartment with energy drinks still flowing through her system and preventing her from falling asleep before she’d sorted through everything like the responsible adult she probably really needed to become by now. It was like her mind was subconsciously telling her that; ‘Hey, you’ve avoided your developing feelings for a long enough period of time, now you’re alone and it’s the middle of the night and you have absolutely no reason to continue being a pussy and dodging your own emotions.’ And, boy, was she getting frustrated with herself - though whether that was for not trying to sort out her feelings earlier or for not distracting herself more efficiently she didn’t know.

She grumbled quietly and swung her legs off the side of her bed, getting up unevenly to walk to the kitchen, where her phone was currently resting on the counter. There were no new text messages, the display of the screen being both disappointingly and relievingly free of change from the last time she checked it, which was about twenty minutes prior. On the one hand, that meant that nothing was wrong, but on the other, that meant that she wasn’t needed - a more depressing thought than she’d perceived. She considered texting Rose and asking her to check on Lapis, but then remembered once more that it was the middle of the night and everyone in that house was probably sleeping. It would be nothing short of a dick move if she were to wake them up over her stupid insecurities and ceaseless worrywart tendencies. With a groan, she unlocked her phone and opened up the Notes application - typing things out always helped her to process information and come to more logical decisions. It was a habit she’d picked up at the suggestion of one of her friends during high school when she was trying to get off drugs, and it had stuck out in the forefront of her mind since as a way to cope with just about anything.

“Log date, two thirteen twenty-five.” She mumbled to herself as expert fingers tapped across the phone screen at a record rate - once upon a time, she’d had a much more complicated way of numbering her entries, but in the last year or two she’d devolved to using the current date. Much easier to remember and keep track of. “This is Peridot, performing basic event logging. It is currently one fifteen in the morning, and I am unable to sleep. This is entirely my fault, because I consumed at least ten cans of Monster energy drinks while unpacking and sorting out the boxes into the new apartment. I regret it, but at least I got it all done in one day. I also set up a bedroom for Malachite - not sure if I updated on that status, Malachite is Lapis’ child who is due to arrive in about three more months. Yes, the thought of that being so soon frightens me, but no, I am not going to back out. I am not a coward. For the most part.”

She hesitated, unsure of how to explain her embarrassing infatuation even to herself (and was it really just an infatuation, or something more?). Whatever she put down, it was bound to be embarrassing in a few years anyway, regardless of how things panned out. “Speaking of Lapis Lazuli, I seem to have developed various feelings of affection for her in the last two months that stretch past just friendship. Unfortunately, I think I may be in love with her, which is unfortunate because she most likely does not return the feelings and because I honestly have no idea how to handle things like this.” That sounded professional enough, right? “I am aware that I should probably confess this to her, but I’m fairly certain that it would make things exceedingly awkward. Lapis is very precious to me as a friend, and I don’t want to ruin that. Or hurt her. I’m not sure how my having a crush on her would be painful, but I can imagine that she might trust me less because of her past if she knows I’ve fallen in love. Her losing her trust in me would not only take her own recovery back several steps, but would also be something that I would have difficulty living with.” She paused, tapping on the table with one of the fingers of her free hand. “In short, I am a clod that should really have more practice with stifling my own emotions. Maybe I will tell her how I feel, or maybe I will not. It will be added to my notes if I do regardless of how it goes. If I don’t get too busy to record events as I have recently, anyway. Peridot out.”

The blonde locked her phone again with a heavy sigh, deciding to keep the device in the pocket of her sweatpants instead of just leaving it where she wouldn’t be able to get to it quickly. That way if there really  _ was _ an emergency she wouldn’t have to walk all the way to the kitchen every ten minutes just to check. That also robbed her of her preferred method to pass the time, and the Internet wasn’t plugged in and hooked up yet, so she couldn’t dig out her gaming systems to waste time yelling at twelve year olds that had a love for proclaiming how they’d fucked her mother over multiplayer. It was too much work to set the preferences and cords in place so she could play something, anyway.

It looked like she was going to spend her evening laying in bed, thinking about her many subdued feelings, being internally snarky and sarcastic towards herself, lowering her own self esteem, and waiting to fall asleep in darkness, loneliness, and misery.

Fun. She couldn’t think of  _ anything _ else she’d rather be doing.

Peridot groaned and flopped onto the bed, landing on her belly and burying her face in her pillow. There was a certain unsettling silence to the apartment, though whether that sourced from the lack of another human’s presence or the lack of an electronic hum she wasn’t entirely sure. Maybe going around and turning on the heat and plugging in the electronics would be a good way to spend her time, even if she probably ought to be in bed and sleeping by then. It was bound to get kind of cold overnight anyway, considering it was still mid-February and Beach City hadn’t eased out of winter and into spring yet.

Even flipping switches wasn’t enough to completely blank out her thoughts - though that may have been expected, considering it was such a menial and simple task. Her line of thinking frequently drifted back to Lapis, and instead of worrying about her wellbeing like she’d already wasted a good part of her night on, she thought of how pretty she was, how funny (even if the pranks could get a bit childish and annoying at times), how strong, how she  _ longed _ to just scoop her up and hold her and protect her for the rest of her life and and kiss her-

Wow, okay, Peridot was drifting dangerously close to the “extremely and unneededly gay” territory, and had to stop herself from finishing that thought. With a groan, she approached the thermostat and cranked it to a reasonable temperature of seventy, then just plopped into a kitchen chair and massaged her temples. She was already beginning to get a bit of a headache just from thinking so much, and it wasn’t helped  _ at all _ by her longtime tendency to just avoid her emotions until they faded away. That was one tactic for dealing with being neglected that she wasn’t glad she’d picked up and kept.

All this fretting was meaningless, really, she decided as she let her head sink to rest on her arms. It was a problem that was completely easy to solve, or at least it would be if she could get over all this paranoia and insecurity. Which was exactly what she needed to do, and she knew that very well, which was mostly just frustrating to no end. She hated not knowing how to go about doing what she needed to, and more than that, she hated not having anybody to turn to for advice. Her own mother had never given her any reason to think she could talk to her about feelings, she’d been friendless since college, and she didn’t know any co-workers well enough to turn to them about things.

The only option she felt she really had was to text Rose, who knew Lapis quite well, about it and get a response in the morning. Or never. Either one was better than just doing nothing and waiting for something to happen and then being disappointed, she supposed.

The energy drinks were beginning to drain from Peridot’s system and leave her dog tired when she opened up her messaging app and composed the most put together text her mind could think of; “I am in love with Lapis Lazuli and I have no clue what to do, your input on the situation would be appreciated.” Yeah. That would probably work, she decided as she closed her eyes and let sleep take her at long last.

When she woke nine hours later, shortly after taking a quick shower and getting dressed so she could go pick up her roommate, she decided to check her phone and found that she had received a response. With a deep breath, she opened it.

“Tell her. ~R”

That settled it, then. She was going to have to be open about her feelings.

She was dreading it already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback helps me find the inspiration to keep writing, so keep that in mind please!


	19. The Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm naming this chapter after the highlight of it. They confess to each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, PEOPLE OF ALL GENDER IDENTITIES AND AGES, HERE IS THE LAPIDOT,

“I want to talk to you.”

It was the first thing Lapis said after Peridot had picked her up from the Quartz Universe home and brought her to the new apartment. She had been silently thinking through most of the day, only having spoken to declare how much she had missed her roommate and telling her in a mock scolding to never leave her alone without any contact again. The young woman had not even spoken when they stopped at a McDonald’s for lunch - the time had been spent in silence on Lapis’ end and chatter from Peridot’s about how the other would be left alone longer due to new work schedules. She’d paid attention, but not very much; she was too busy trying to figure out how she could possibly tell her roommate how she felt. The blonde seemed to think that she was upset with her for not calling to check in sometime, because she had quieted into silence by the time they pulled into their parking space at the new apartment building. It was bigger, as promised, and Lapis had explored the new living space with muted enthusiasm; she was pleasantly surprised by how well the other had put the place together.

Now, they were seated across from each other at the little table in the kitchen, and Peridot seemed to be a little startled by the fact that Lapis had spoken so suddenly after spending most of the morning and afternoon without talking at all. “Okay, what about?” She responded, sounding a little nervous. The younger of the two hoped that expression of quiet curiosity wouldn’t be replaced with one of disgust or pity as soon as she spoke and confessed her feelings. After all, who would want a girlfriend that had already been broken and used? … She quickly scolded herself for thinking that way.

“There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. It’s nothing bad, don’t worry.” Lapis replied, the last sentence being added on quickly when she noticed the look of downright fear on her companion’s face. What was running through her head? “It’s a… little complicated. Um, if you don’t want to have anything to do with me after I tell you, I don’t blame you.” Internally, she corrected herself; it wasn’t  _ complicated, _ not really, she was just making it feel like it was, being absolutely ridiculous over something that probably wasn’t a really big deal to anyone but her.

“I like you. Like, in a romantic sort of way. I have for… maybe a month, and I’m not entirely sure why.” She gulped uneasily and made herself smile shakily. “Sorry. I know you probably don’t feel the same way. I just thought I would let you know, because I’m… kinda done keeping secrets from you.”

There was a little bit of silence, in which Lapis immediately began berating herself for even saying anything, and for trying to carry out her confession to fill the silence. She was overcome by the urge to smack herself on the thigh as a sort of punishment, but decided to hold it back for the moment. Peridot seemed pretty shocked, and the emotion underneath was unreadable.

“Sorry.” The blonde quickly replied, and the younger was afraid for a moment that she might have been apologizing for not feeling the same, but she quickly resumed speaking. “I mean, sorry for being quiet. I… feel the same way. I was actually trying to figure out how to tell  _ you _ .” A nervous laugh followed, and she reached over and offered her hand - which Lapis took without much hesitation, for the most part too shocked to feel relieved or happy.

Neither of them seemed to really know what to do now that the confessions had gotten out of the way, just blushing and holding hands, trying to avoid making eye contact. “So,” they both spoke at the same time, only to fall silent again for a few moments.

It was Lapis that decided to speak again, partially because she wanted to get the burning question out of the way and partially because she couldn’t stand the silence anymore. She lightly squeezed Peridot’s hand, making her own blue eyes meet green. “This might be a little quick, considering we, y’know, just told each other, but… would you like to be my girlfriend?”

The answer was simple; a nod.

More silence followed, Lapis too overwhelmed and flustered to break it herself and Peridot not moving much at all. All they could do was stare at each other; both of them had no clue what to do. Neither had a whole lot of experience as far as dating went, so therefore neither of them knew what came  _ after _ actually becoming girlfriends. The younger’s head was screaming at her for making this awkward, but she had enough experience with dealing with it that she ignored her internal self deprecation.

“Can I kiss you?” She finally asked, but her face turned bright red once the question was out. Wow, okay, that was overly awkward, and she internally kicked herself another time. Lapis hoped that this would get easier later on. Luckily, though, a nod was the response, and she walked around the table in order to pull Peridot to her feet. Heart thudding dully in her chest, the younger of the two leaned her face so that the two of them were nearly touching, hesitating for just a moment before pressing their lips together ever so gently, as if afraid to hurt or break either of them.

She felt Peridot tense momentarily, though it must have been from shock, because arms quickly wrapped around her waist and she was pulled a little closer. A little part of her mind was anxious due to past experience, but most of her melted into the contact, eyes closing as she put her hands on the older woman’s shoulders and tilted her head a bit to deepen the kiss a bit. All nervousness was forgotten, swept away by how  _ right _ the kiss felt. This was right.  _ Peridot _ was right.

Lapis wanted the moment to last forever, but unfortunately, they both needed to breathe, and being suffocated due to an unwillingness to stop kissing was not the way that she wanted to go. Face burning, she pulled out of the contact with great hesitation, finding with a slight feeling of smugness that Peridot seemed to be just as starstruck as she was. That might have been one of her greatest accomplishments if she wasn’t a bit lovesick and her heart wasn’t pounding a million miles a minute. After several seconds of just standing there and holding onto the blonde, she finally stepped back.

“That was nice,” she commented simply, once more feeling a bit bashful now that the high of her first  _ real and consensual _ kiss had passed. “And now that we’re girlfriends, I’m gonna have to kiss you a  **lot.** Like, every day.” There go her nervous talker habits, her silence having been ripped away as soon as she started speaking. Again, she internally kicked herself for saying such a thing; what if she was an awful kisser and Peridot wanted to break up about ten minutes into their relationship because of it? She scolded herself for being ridiculous almost immediately, but she couldn’t banish the gnawing irrational fear from the back of her mind.

To her surprise, though, Peridot nodded in agreement, pale face becoming a little pink. “Sounds good to me,” she responded simply, and her face became a little more red before she added, “but you don’t have to ask me in the future, I think - um - I think kisses from you would be a pleasant surprise.” The blonde glanced away, and Lapis had to restrain herself from bouncing up and down a little. This was turning out to be a pretty good day, if she did say so herself.

* * *

If Peridot didn’t know that Lapis was a complete and utter dork before, she certainly did now. The younger woman had made a big show of memorizing the time where their first kiss had taken place - quarter past four in the afternoon, give or take a few minutes - and declaring every so often how much time had past since they had become girlfriends. “We’ve been dating for five minutes,” was the first one, shortly after Peridot got up to order a pizza for dinner. “Ten minutes,” she added five minutes later, just after the blonde had hung up the phone. She repeated this at fifteen minutes, and then half an hour, then forty five minutes, until finally one hour had passed and she began simply announcing the passage of time every hour.

Until, of course, ten fifteen, when she announced that they had been dating for six hours and it was time for bed. Peridot was well aware that she would feel uneasy trying to sleep in an unfamiliar environment, so she agreed to sleep in the same room as Lapis for the night without really being asked to. She led the younger girl back to her new bedroom and opened the door, holding it for her. The shorter of the two wasted absolutely no time in crawling under the blankets of her bed and then holding them up to allow the blonde access to the warmth of beneath the safe covers.

“Don’t you want to know where your pajamas are so you can change?” Peridot asked, tilting her head. It wasn’t unusual for Lapis to sleep in her regular clothes, but she’d figured she might want to be more comfortable in their first night in the new apartment. “Come on, I put all your clothes away all nice for you and everything. Don’t let my hard, back-breaking work go to waste.”

“Nah.” Lapis responded, shifting her arm as if beckoning her girlfriend to join her so she could go to sleep already. “I’ll go through the dresser tomorrow. Right now, I want to go to sleep. And cuddle. Preferably both. So get your big butt under here and get some rest so you can go to work in the morning.” She stuck out her tongue teasingly. “I wouldn’t be a good girlfriend if I let you stay up til one again. Besides, it’s about ten times warmer in here than it is out where you are.”

“My butt’s not big. But you do make a compelling argument,” Peridot responded with an eyeroll, but relented and climbed under the blankets next to Lapis - she was right, it  _ was _ a lot warmer under the cover of a few layers of blankets. She wasted no time in wrapping her arms around her girlfriend and pulling her close into a protective embrace, allowing Lapis to rest her head underneath her chin with a content sigh. She couldn’t help but blush slightly at feeling the younger’s hot breath against her throat.

“‘s bigger than mine,” the younger of the two responded, voice slurred slightly - she was already falling asleep, which Peridot found begrudgingly adorable. “You’ve got curves, ‘n I’m a twig.”

“Can we talk about my body in the morning? I don’t trust anything you say when you’re half awake,” the blonde spoke in an amused tone, glancing at the other woman snuggled against her affectionately. Damn, she was adorable. “Besides, maybe I find twigs attractive. You never know.” It occurred to her about ten seconds too late that she might have just said the most wrong thing humanly possible, but Lapis didn’t seem to react negatively - if anything, she just snuggled up closer.

Maybe she had been about to reply, but she fell asleep before she could, and Peridot was left holding the younger girl in the silence of the night. The only sound was the dull thudding of bass in a party somewhere on the floor above them and the soft hum that provided an ambience to any building with electricity. It was… calming, she decided as she closed her eyes.

As she fell asleep, her last thought was that she wouldn’t have it any other way, and a smile crossed her face.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was grinning like an idiot the whole time I wrote this.
> 
> Feedback please!


	20. Protect Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis explains what happened to her after having a nightmare. THIS CHAPTER IS EXTREMELY TRIGGERING AND CONTAINS SEMI-GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF RAPE. DO NOT READ IT IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE IT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER IS EXTREMELY TRIGGERING AND CONTAINS SEMI-GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF RAPE AND A MENTION OF SUICIDE. DO NOT READ IT IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE IT. Seriously, I came within inches of triggering myself just by writing it. Please exercise caution before reading forward, and don't say I didn't warn you.

Peridot had drifted into a deep and dreamless sleep, holding Lapis close to her chest like a human sized teddy bear. She was completely blind to anything going on around her and anything that might have been happening; World War III could have started right outside her window and she would have been blind to it. As such, she was completely unaware that the girl in her arms was twitching and writhing in her sleep, face screwed up into an expression that made it seem like she was in pain. She wasn’t roused from her rest no matter how much the smaller woman moved until she sat up quickly enough to wrench herself out of the blonde’s clutch with a scream, effectively startling the living fuck out of a very tired and very confused Peridot and waking her up more quickly than was probably healthy.

Her body was awake before her mind was, and reacted based on instinct, sitting up quickly and yanking the sobbing Lapis close to her as if it could protect her from whatever had caused her to scream. Once Peridot’s brain finally caught up with what was going on, she realized that there was no immediate physical threat, and it took her several moments for her sleepy and sluggish mind to realize that the younger girl had simply had a nightmare. With a heavy and sad sigh, she lightened her grip on her girlfriend, gently tugging on her shoulder to ask her to turn towards her. When Lapis complied without much of a fight, she determined that she wasn’t having an anxiety attack  _ yet, _ but was teetering on the edge of one - and Peridot would do anything within her power to ward it off. The attacks were always hard on Lapis, and considering that she was in the third trimester now, the results could be devastating.

“It’s alright. I’m here. Just breathe.” The taller of the two murmured softly, gently rocking back and forth and carefully holding onto the back of her girlfriend’s head. “You’re safe, it’s okay. Nobody is going to hurt you. You’re at home, with me, in our apartment. You’re safe, and I know you’re scared, but it’s okay. I’m right here with you.” A soft kiss was given to the top of blue hair, and Lapis only cried harder - whether that was a good thing or a bad, Peridot wasn’t entirely sure. “Shh. It’s okay. Go ahead, let it all out. I’m right here, protecting you, and I won’t let you go. Not until you want me to.”

She continued to talk softly to the distressed and panicking young woman, who wrapped her arms around her and clung on with a death grip. Peridot didn’t mind - and if she did, she wouldn’t say anything anyway. Lapis needed her to be there and comfort her, and she’d be damned if she let a hold that was a little bit too tight keep her from doing that. She closed her eyes and sighed heavily through her nose, continuing to rock back and forth in a steady and soothing motion until Lapis’ hyperventilating slowed and her sobs had been reduced to hiccups and sniffles and soft wheezes.

Peridot didn’t ask any questions. Didn’t need to, and didn’t dare. She knew that the nightmare had probably been about her time in imprisonment, and that pressing for information would only make matters worse. She stayed where she was, letting Lapis sniffle softly and hide her face in her shirt, one pale hand gently stroking soft blue locks (how were they still so soft, anyway, it wasn’t fair). When her girlfriend seemed to have calmed down and was no longer on the verge of panic, her simple question was just; “Are you okay? Do you need anything?”

Lapis shook her head slightly, though to which question she was responding the tech guru wasn’t entirely sure. “I’m fine now,” she replied in a tone that was less than believable thanks to tears thickening her voice. “Just tired. It was just a… a bad dream. A memory. It was in the past, and I’m okay now.” The last couple of sentences seemed to be more directed at herself than Peridot, as if she was trying to convince herself that everything was, in fact, fine. “Can we go back to sleep?”

The blonde had to hesitate; she didn’t know if she wanted Lapis sleeping like this, knowing that nightmares had a tendency to come back and repeat themselves. But if the younger girl really wanted to get some shut-eye, she supposed that she shouldn’t stop her. Maybe it was a good thing that she felt safe enough to go right back to snoozing after a nightmare, anyway. So she nodded, carefully easing Lapis back down to a laying position and pulling her close again, closing her eyes.

A few minutes passed in silence, and once the adrenaline of the moment had passed, Peridot could feel herself falling asleep again, brain activity and breathing slowing down as she subconsciously tugged her girlfriend ever so slightly closer to her.

Unfortunately, rest was denied to her yet again when Lapis suddenly shifted, turning to face her. The blonde forced her green eyes to open and look into the dark blue of the younger girl’s, and for once there wasn’t enough energy in her to blush at the closeness of her face. Her girlfriend seemed to scrutinize her for a few moments before gently stroking her cheek with one soft and slender hand, and by that point Peridot was awake enough for her cheeks to turn a bright pink color. It was… calming and flustering at the same time, and just the tiniest bit frustrating.

“I think I should tell you more about what happened when I was trapped in that awful room… I mean, you deserve to know what you’re getting into… how badly I’ve been messed up and how much I’ve been used and stuff…” Lapis murmured quietly, and snuggled up closer to her; Peridot was barely able to register what she had said at first, but horror set in fairly quickly. She didn’t want the younger to feel like she  _ needed _ to tell her anything, and she didn’t want any breakdowns to happen that night which she could have prevented. Her grip became a bit tighter, more protective, as if to assure her girlfriend that she wasn’t going to make her do anything and that she was safe. There was… a certain morbid curiosity seated deep within her, of course, but Lapis’ wellbeing was more important to her than learning about what the very worst of humanity could do when scraping the bottom of the muck they lived in.

“You don’t have to,” was what she finally replied. “I’m not going to make you tell me anything. I never have and I don’t intend to start now. It doesn’t matter to me what has been done to you in the past… well, I mean, it  _ does _ matter to me, because it’s something you still need help with, but… it doesn’t make me like you any less. I can look past what trauma you’ve been through and see a strong and smart and brave human being that gets to decide what happens to her and what she says to anyone. Girlfriend of--,” she checked the clock, it was half past four-- “twelve hours and counting or not.”

Lapis snorted a little, but it had a sort of forced feeling to it. “I want to tell you,” she reaffirmed softly. “I think it might help me more than  just bottling it up and saving it for later has been. And… it might make me feel better to know that I’ve told  _ somebody  _ and I’m not just carrying the memory all by myself.” She shrugged, trying to look nonchalant, but Peridot could see from the tenseness of her muscles that she wasn’t especially looking forward to fessing up.

“Then I’m willing to hear. But you need to promise me that if it gets to be too much you’ll stop talking and tell me. I don’t want you to push yourself too hard and make yourself panic.”

Lapis nodded in agreement, and several moments of silence passed between the two again as she struggled to come up with the words to explain what she had to say next. Peridot could only guess how hard it must have been, especially after keeping quiet about it for the last two months she had been out of captivity. Two months… it felt like it had been so much longer, like she had known this girl forever, or maybe even longer. The blonde gulped slightly before brushing a little bit of blue hair out of Lapis’ face - she was as beautiful in the dim and practically nonexistent light as she was in day, the freckles against her tan skin barely visible and a sad sort of look on her face that threatened to break Peridot’s heart in two because it didn’t belong on someone so young. Three years younger than she was, and already having been through enough suffering to last her a lifetime.

“... The first few weeks were the hardest,” the smaller of the two began softly and reluctantly, clutching the fabric of Peridot’s shirt in her hands and studying it as if it would help distract herself from the memories she was now recounting. “That was when I thought that I could get free just by kicking and screaming and fighting back, and I had no idea what was going to happen to me every day. They let me settle at first, shoved me and kicked me whenever I acted up and broke one of my ribs once. Luckily, it apparently healed up pretty well on its own.” A bitter laugh accompanied this statement, and she paused a little while before she started talking again. “When they figured out I wasn’t going to give up anytime soon, they… decided that enough waiting was enough, and… started touching me. Groping my breasts, running their hands up my inner thighs, trailing fingers up my crotch…” A shiver ran up her spine, and she hid her face against Peridot’s chest. “I was scared, always so scared. I guess they thought they were building up the suspense by starting it really subtly.

“The first time I was… actually raped was about a month after I was kidnapped. Three of them came in, and two of them held me down while the third… used her mouth on me. I struggled, and fought it, and I hated every moment that my body reacted without being my wanting it to. I… eventually, they got me to orgasm, and I was crying the whole time, begging them to stop and get off me and just leave me alone. They must’ve been upset with me for fighting, because they beat me up harder than they ever had before… they threw me against one of the walls hard enough that I got knocked out and the mirror there was shattered. When I woke up, there was blood everywhere, and my head was killing me…”

Peridot was more horrified, angered, and disgusted then she ever had been in her life, heart practically stilled by the awful events described to her. Lapis had to pause for a little while, and she took this time to pull her a little closer, reassure her that she was there and that she was safe now. It was all she could do; words were failing her at the moment.

“I still fought a few times after that even though the beatings got worse every time and they would starve me for not cooperating. There were times that I would go days or weeks without eating a single thing. Would you believe me if I told you I actually had a little bit of meat on my bones before that whole nightmare started?” A choked and bitter laugh left her, and she shifted her bangs so that they covered her eyes. As if she was ashamed to be telling Peridot about this. “The… the first time they let the baby’s… other parent - Jasper was her name - at me, it was about three months after I’d been brought there. They told me that I’d earned a ‘special treat’ for being such a ‘good toy,’ but I think that was just their language for either ‘you’ve been a hell to deal with so you’re gonna go through hell’ or ‘we can’t let one of us not use you, it’s just not fair.’ Either way… god, it was the worst.

“Jasper… was trans, so she had a… you know. And it hurt like  _ hell, _ it was way too big for me and I wasn’t used to having things like that inside of me even with how often they’d been using my body. And she was way too rough and way too fast, and finished inside me without even worrying about it. I was bleeding by the time she was done, and she kicked me once for crying and told me she’d have to be even more rough next time to punish me. I wanted to die, I just wanted to slice my wrists open with one of the more jagged pieces of the broken wall and never have to hurt again. But I wouldn’t have put it past them to do things to me even when I was dead, and the thought made me sick, so I didn’t.”

She was beginning to hyperventilate again by the time she finished her last sentence, trembling and wrapping her arms around Peridot silently. All the blonde could really do was rub her back gently, wondering if there was anything she could possibly say to make her feel even remotely better. She didn’t dare mention that she thought she knew the Jasper that Lapis was talking about - she had been friends with a trans girl in high school named Jasper, but… she didn’t think that the one she knew would ever stoop that low… but, hell, people change, and four years was a while for something to go wrong.

“She came to see me every other day, and on days when she didn’t, the other three would come in and use me one at a time. I couldn’t tell which I hated more, and I lost track of time completely. I still fought occasionally, but… I quit when I realized that I was pregnant. I don’t know why, but I knew that I had to protect the baby now… maybe because it made me feel like I wasn’t so alone. I stopped fighting back so they would keep feeding me and stop beating me. I was… it mentally killed me, Peridot. I was just an empty shell of a girl when the police came and found me… I fought them while they were getting me out, I didn’t understand that they were trying to help me, I couldn’t remember who was good and who was bad anymore, and I had to be tranquilized. I couldn’t remember how to communicate effectively, I… I think I still wanted to die, and if it weren’t for you and Malachite, maybe I would have.”

Lapis was done talking after that, and burst into tears, clinging tightly to Peridot. The blonde swallowed dryly and held her close. “Oh, Lapis… that’s… that’s… I don’t even have the words to describe how horrific that must have been--,” fuck, words were failing her, and she had no clue what to say to help the younger girl calm down and feel better. “I… you’re so brave. I can’t even describe to you how brave and strong you were - and are - to live through that and recover as much as you have. I’m… so proud of you, you now that? I’m proud of you.”

The smaller of the two might have been vaguely comforted, but she was unable to stop crying, and Peridot just let her get it all out, holding her close and murmuring some reassuring things in her ear. She didn’t know what to do, only to hope that just being there and holding her was enough. It seemed to be, because she eventually stopped crying and just stayed where she was, shaking and holding on for dear life. All that the blonde really felt was… sorrow. Nobody should have to go through something like that for so long, especially someone as young as Lapis that had just been on her way to a babysitting job when she was nabbed. Peridot wondered if she’d ever even finished high school - if she would ever be willing to now that she had trouble socializing with others and was going to be busy with a kid in just a few months’ time. She wished she could go back in time and stop it all from happening for her.

“... Thank you,” Lapis finally spoke softly after remaining silent for a while, her voice exceedingly tired in a way that shattered Peridot’s heart past the damage it had already been through that night. If there was any way she could take away some of her girlfriend’s pain and trauma, then she would do it, but there… just wasn’t, and she had to deal with that. It didn’t help much that she honestly had no clue what she was being thanked for - confusion wasn’t an emotion she wanted tacked on.

“For what?” Was what she asked in response, leaning her neck back slightly to look at the younger woman. Lapis’ eyes were closed, and she was resting against Peridot’s chest, tear stains streaking down her cheeks from her eyes. She looked peaceful, and adorable, and sad. The blonde couldn’t restrain herself from shifting a bit so she could give her a kiss on the forehead.

“For being here for me. Letting me talk. Not being turned away by what I just told you.”

“Why would I be? It wasn’t your fault.” She was almost offended that it had even been an option in Lapis’ mind that she would abandon her as soon as she knew a deeper extend to the year she had spent tucked away behind some mirror getting abused on a daily basis.

“I dunno. I was just being stupid and paranoid. But I’m really tired and I feel like shit, so I think I’m gonna get some sleep now. But can you promise me one more thing?”

“Of course. What is it?”

“Will you protect me from ever having to go through that again?”

“Yes, Lapis Lazuli. I promise I will protect you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every once in a while, I will genuinely feel bad for writing an angsty chapter. This is one of those times. I can't even make a joke about this. I am honestly sorry. I just wanted to get this out of the way so I can move onto other, happier chapters without putting this off for a longass time because of this chapter like I did with HAHD. I promise to try and have a happier chapter up as soon as I find time and inspiration to write it.
> 
> Also, remember kids, don't misgender a trans person, even when they are the literal worst. It is a cruel thing to do. (Speaking as a polygender individual)


	21. Like a Bandaid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As promised, a happier chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this one is kind of bad, it was honestly very hard to write for some reason? Anyway, hopefully this makes up for the angst and disturbing-ness of the last chapter. I was going to try and have this one up yesterday, but like I said, it was a tad difficult and I wound up sleeping instead of finishing it.

Lapis woke before Peridot, which was not an uncommon occurrence. Her awakening was slow, mostly because her second sleep had been dreamless and peaceful and partially because the moment she registered that she was awake she immediately felt like shit again. The weight of forcing herself to relive the worst year of her life rested heavily on her chest, and she knew that as soon as she moved she would need to do things, which more likely than not would just make it worse. She could already tell that the day would be exceedingly rough on her mental health, and she wanted nothing to do with it. Lapis did not want to experience a breakdown and have to be carried through the most simple of basic everyday tasks… so, clearly, the most logical thing to do was to stay unmoving in bed until the last humanly possible moment. Excellent plan, what a mature way to deal with her life.

The young woman sighed heavily and turned to look at her girlfriend, who was still asleep beside her with a slack and relaxed look on her face. She felt a pang of gratefulness for the blonde; if it weren’t for Peridot, she would either be locked up in a mental hospital and have been forced through an abortion, or she would still be bottling everything from her past up inside. Maybe both. She shuddered slightly; her life was helping her recover enough as it was, and she hated to think on how miserable she would be if another route had been taken. The result most likely would not have been pretty.

Perhaps what vexed her most was that she’d thought that she was done having excessively horrid flashbacks every time she dared get some sleep. Lapis had thought herself recovered, but apparently she was not - she was hit with despair like a sledgehammer. Was she doomed to live a long life of getting partially better and then relapsing? It was hard enough knowing that she would never be able to live a normal life because of her selective mutism and intense social anxiety, but now she knew that she would never have peace from things that had happened in the past. She’d known that mental illness didn’t quit when there was nothing to be upset about - she’d been struggling with depression since she was  _ twelve, _ for stars’ sake - so she wasn’t entirely sure why this was so awful to realize. Maybe she’d been hoping that she would be some exception to every rule of neurodivergence that had ever existed. Ha. What a concept… that would be nice if it was even possible.

Lapis sighed heavily and moved so that she was closer to Peridot, taking a bit of comfort in being close to someone that had promised to protect her. The shared warmth of them was almost enough to make her feel peaceful and sleepy again, and she figured that it might be nice to get a little more shuteye. So she carefully moved Peridot’s arm so that it was resting on top of her; the young woman sleepily thought to compare the other to a sort of bandaid, keeping her issues from getting any worse. Of course, that led to Lapis imagining Peridot’s face on one end of a bandage, which was enough to coax a small and half awake giggle out of her.

She ran one hand over the swell of her stomach, silently willing whatever higher power there was to not do something to make her daughter as fucked up as she was. She would do anything within her power to protect her child from the cruelty of the world. If that meant she had to become one of those terrifyingly overprotective mothers to do it, then so be it.

Just as she was beginning to drift back to sleep, she felt a small shift inside of her. It was small, just a little twitch, and she probably would have missed if she was busy at the time it happened. Still, it was enough to make Lapis sit up straight with one hand over her stomach, eyes wide and heart thudding harshly in her chest. This was the first time that she had felt Malachite move in the six months of her pregnancy, and it was simultaneously exciting and terrifying. The young woman gently prodded at the swell of her abdomen, and her unborn child responded with a kick.

Whatever negative emotions that she had been experiencing disappeared with this development and she let out a squeal of delight. Her first instinct was to wake up Peridot so she could announce what had just happened, not particularly caring that it was still fairly early in the morning and the blonde might not be happy about getting woken up before noon after having a rough night. Lapis excitedly grabbed onto her girlfriend’s shoulder and shook it gently, trying with great enthusiasm to get her to budge. Unfortunately, it took several seconds before the taller girl finally groaned.

When Lapis didn’t relent, Peridot simply grabbed the pillow out from under her head and whapped her in the face with it. The younger of the two let out a small indignant noise before working her hands underneath the blonde’s back and flipping her over, proceeding to stare at her face and poke lightly at her cheek until she finally smacked her hand away and opened green eyes to glare at her. Lapis was aware that the look didn’t have any heat, so she just grinned brightly.

“What’s got you so chipper?” Peridot finally asked, sitting up slowly and rubbing her eyes. As a sort of apology, the younger woman wrapped her arms around her in a strong hug, which was returned without much hesitation. “You’re not usually this happy first thing in the morning. Should I be scared?” Whether she was asking jokingly or not, Lapis wasn’t sure, but considering her good mood she decided not to question it, and just happily pressed her girlfriend’s hand against her stomach, hoping that Malachite would move again and that the movement would be noticed by the blonde.

She needed to press down a little in order to provoke the poor kid, but eventually, the unborn child did give a pretty strong kick in the direction of Peridot’s hand. “Did you feel that?” Lapis asked quietly, looking to her girlfriend’s face. “I just felt her move, and she’s pretty strong. I don’t know if she’s been holding back on her own or if I just have a really high pain tolerance by now.” The young woman grinned brightly, shifting the blonde’s hand so that she was holding it in both of her own.

Peridot seemed to be having a bit of trouble processing much of anything at the moment considering she was just waking up, but did have a slightly awed look on her face, and nodded. “I… haven’t felt her move before now either. It was just a little nudge from here… I guess it might feel stronger because she’s inside of you, but… that is kind of weird that you go right from not having her move at all to her being kind of strong.” She blinked a little and tilted her head. “I can’t imagine she was purposefully holding back, because sentiety doesn’t actually start to kick in until about this point-”

Lapis rolled her eyes and gently pressed her lips against her girlfriend’s, successfully shutting her up. “Don’t ruin this with medical speak, please. I know you’re a huge nerd and try to find the logic in everything, but I am an emotional pregnant woman that just felt her baby move for the first time, and I would appreciate it if you’d keep your internal monologuing about scientific junk to yourself and let me be happy.” It didn’t occur to her at the moment that she might have been a little too straightforward, but she was determined to keep the moment intact.

“Yeah, yeah, alright,” Peridot sighed heavily, blushing slightly thanks to the brief lip contact. “But I’m probably gonna make you bring this up at your next doctor’s appointment just in case.” She poked Lapis’ chest to punctuate her sentence, making the younger giggle slightly and bat her hand away. “What time is it, anyway? My phone hasn’t gone off yet, so it’s gotta be before seven.”

“I actually don’t know,” The younger admitted, shrugging slightly. “I didn’t think to check the clock, I was too excited and before that I kinda felt like shit.” Still, she shifted a bit so that she could see the glowing numbers on the digital clock on the dresser. She had to squint a bit to make out the numbers, and when she did, she immediately felt kind of sheepish. “It’s half past five. Sorry, I kinda ruined any chance of getting enough sleep and you’re probably super tired…” Guilt quickly replaced any excitement she had been feeling beforehand, and she hunched up her shoulders, looking down at her lap.

“Nah, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it,” Peridot responded, moving to get up and giving Lapis a little kiss on the cheek, making her brighten up and smile again. “I usually stay up too late doing stuff on the computer anyway. Which you know. So it’s not like getting… seven-ish hours of sleep with a half hour interruption in the middle is too horribly bad for me.” As she spoke, she slowly rose out of bed and subconsciously straightened up the t-shirt and sweatpants she had fallen asleep in. “No point in going back to sleep for an hour and a half, though. I might as well take advantage of the morning.”

Lapis was a bit confused by this development - Peridot wasn’t normally a morning person, so she must have been in a fairly good mood or trying to act like she was for her sake. That was something that she could get used to, she decided. “Sounds good to me,” she responded simply with a shrug. It took her about a minute to finally follow suit and get up herself, sliding to her feet and shivering a little at the chill of the morning - the heat hadn’t come on, apparently, or she was just a drama queen after the warmth of the bed was gone? Peridot didn’t seem to be too cold, so it must have been the ladder. Still, she grabbed the top blanket off the bed and wrapped it around her shoulders.

Peridot wrapped her arms around Lapis, which caught her by surprise momentarily, but it didn’t take her all that long to melt into the embrace and lean on her. “I’m glad you’re feeling better,” the blonde murmured softly, pressing a light kiss to the shorter’s forehead and making her give off a pleased hum. “I have to leave for work at about eight, though, and then I’ll be gone until five. I know you’ve been home alone a lot before, but considering… last night, I’m a little bit worried. Are you going to be okay by yourself for nine hours? Want me to drive you to Rose’s?”

Lapis rolled her eyes a bit, but did find the concern to be kind of sweet - it didn’t go unappreciated, even if she was ever so slightly annoyed that she was being talked to as if she was a child. “I’ll be fine, I promise. I’m in a  _ way _ better mood than I was. Honestly, I’ll probably just sit on the couch watching TV and trying to get Malachite to move again all day. Don’t worry.”

“Okay. Good,” the blonde responded, reaching one hand over to affectionately flick Lapis on the nose. “I’ll be home before five thirty. We can go see a movie when I get back if you want… we still need to go on an actual date and do date things. Like hold hands through the scary parts and kiss during the slow parts, annoying the shit out of everyone around us. … People who date do that, right?”

“That sounds great,” the younger replied with a giggle. “And yeah, I think that’s about how it goes. I’ve never been out on an actual date to the movies before, so I wouldn’t know for sure. I guess that makes two of us.”

“We’ll figure it out together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will take place two months after this one, and then we're in the home stretch to when this thing is going to be finished. My goal is to have chapter 30 up on or before March 25th at 11:59pm EST.
> 
> Feedback would be very much appreciated!


	22. Two Months Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Communication is an essential part of being in a relationship. With a ton of moodswings putting a bit of a strain on daily life, Lapis just has to remember that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm probably going to cry when I finish this. If this chapter is a little sloppy it's because I started it with one idea in mind and then switched partway through.

Perhaps the most disturbing experience of her pregnancy thus far was when Lapis became unable to see her feet whenever she looked down. It bothered her immensely, moreso than the sickness in the early stages or the weird cravings and haywire emotions that had recently begun to act up. Perhaps it was because she was used to being thin enough to look down and see that she did, in fact, have legs and feet - and now that she couldn’t, it had really started to bother her. Once or twice, she complained about how she wouldn’t be able to paint her toenails, even though she’d never been one to actually do that. She would just whine about anything she could find that inconvenienced her at this point, really.

She could tell that Peridot was starting to become wary around her by the time month eight started. She wasn’t sure whether that aggravated her or just made her upset - and, honestly, she couldn’t blame her much. Lapis was temperamental just on her own, and now it had become even more intense than previously; she could be crying one moment and filled with rage the next, only to calm down and become happy and content a little while later. Mood swings weren’t something that she particularly enjoyed dealing with; especially considering they were just pushing people away now.

It certainly didn’t help much that her doctors were telling her that Malachite was growing way faster and larger than a typical fetus of her stage. They were still going to aim for the beginning of May, mostly because Lapis’ blood pressure was fine and she wasn’t under too much stress, but it was still a very real possibility that she would go into labor on her own sometime in April. She was… nervous. She didn’t want to mess up, or accidentally hurt her child by initiating birth by mistake a little earlier than was healthy for either of them. She was also dreading the pain that would come with it, even if it was set to be a C-section instead of a lot of pushing; either way, it would hurt a hell of a lot.

She signed up for this. She told herself that every time she found herself starting to get scared and regret her decision to keep her child. The circumstances she’d become pregnant in may have been out of her control and not her choice at _all,_ but she _had_ been the one to choose to carry and raise her kid, knowing full well what difficulties would ensue and how much of a hard time she would have.

Peridot reminded her of that every time she decided to whine to her, too, which - while logical and honest, like the blonde tended to be - also wasn’t all that sympathetic, and usually put her in a bad mood. Rose was more understanding, being a mother herself, so she was more willing to be supportive. It didn’t ease the mood swings much if at all, but it did make her feel a little better - for this reason, Lapis had a tendency to request visits to the Quartz Universe house now.

Peridot herself had started tagging along to the visits, and got along quite well with Steven - they shared a love for _Camp Pining Hearts_ and bonded over that, which Lapis found actually pretty adorable. Despite the several year age difference between them, they got into a lot of heated debates about the relationship between Paulette and Percy versus how good Percy and Pierre would be as a couple; much to Lapis’ dismay, at one point the blonde _actually_ made a several slide PowerPoint presentation about the Perierre ship was superior to Paulcy to show off to Steven. She hadn’t found the opportunity yet, but she vowed that one of those Fridays she would find time to present it.

“You’re adorable, you know that?” She commented one day after several minutes of listening to her girlfriend ramble on and on about how she had so many good points. They were in the car on the way to see a movie and later go out for dinner, and she was leaning against the window with her cheek resting against one of her hands - the early April weather was much, _much_ warmer than the chill drafts or brutal winter weather she was used to despite still being chilly in Peridot’s eyes, so she was trying to suck as much of the cold from the glass as she could.

The blonde blushed and glanced away, mumbling something along the lines of “I’m not cute.” She _hated_ being referred to as any synonym of adorable, but sometimes there was just no other word that would work when talking about her. Lapis sighed and shifted her gaze so that she was looking out the window, watching buildings roll by against the grey sky. “It might rain today,” Peridot spoke in a kind of quiet tone, “I forgot the umbrella, though. So if it’s coming down when the movie’s done we’ll get wet.” It was almost like she was… afraid of the reaction that this statement would receive, which caused a quick stab of guilt to run through Lapis’ chest.

“That’s fine,” she replied without hesitation and a wave of the hand. “I like the rain, it feels nice unless it’s freezing, which it isn’t right now.” She was quiet for a few moments after that - her girlfriend’s tone of voice had concerned her more than a little, and she wasn’t even bothering to hide that she was kind of worried. Their relationship was only a couple of months old, and she didn’t want it to end so soon because of a lack of communication - maybe she was being paranoid, but she really didn’t want that. “Hey, you don’t need to be afraid of me, you know. I know my mood swings are a little dramatic, but… I do care about you, and I can’t really be mad at you for all that long. I promise.” She proceeded to reach over and gently put a hand on the other’s shoulder in a reassuring gesture.

Peridot didn’t flinch away from Lapis’ hand, but she did gnaw on her lip lightly. “I know,” she replied in an uncertain tone. “It’s… it’s not that. It’s just - I’m worried about messing something up, and making you not trust me anymore, or - or making you leave. I’m worried that… um, I’m worried that I might not be able to qualify for being a stepmom. I was an only child, I never babysat anyone, and if I screw things up _now,_ then how will I be able to help you raise Malachite? It’s… stupid, I know.”

“You haven’t messed up.” The words were out before Lapis even knew what she was saying; she supposed she should just roll with it and let herself get what she needed to say out. “I’m just an overly temperamental pregnant eighteen year old, Dot. I get upset over _everything,_ if you haven’t noticed. I’m not going to get… angry enough to do anything besides, I don’t know, give you the silent treatment for a few hours. I won’t be going anywhere, or abandoning any faith in you I might have had before. I can promise you that much, even if I can’t promise… much of anything else.” That was eloquent enough, she supposed, but she still needed to address the rest of what had just been confessed to her, which was bound to be overly difficult. Fuck. “And… I know it’s kind of scary to know that you’re going to have to help me out with a baby, but you decided to, and you’re worried about it, so that’s… proof enough that you’re going to be decent at the very least. And I know you’ve been doing research because you never rush into anything without knowing what you’re doing. Everything is going to be fine, I promise.”

“You can’t promise that.” Peridot replied, almost defensively, and Lapis flinched - she must have noticed that, because she quickly backtracked and started talking in a tone that was much gentler. “Well, you can’t. Not really. Emotions and feelings… change, often and a lot. That’s why I don’t really like having to deal with them at all. I really appreciate that you’re trying to make me feel better, but I can’t help but feel that - that sometime later, you’re going to get _really_ mad at me and not want anything to do with me anymore. Ever. Maybe not right _now,_ but… but if Malachite gets hurt because of my incompetence while I’m trying to watch her, you might lose your temper at me and leave.”

“I’m sure that won’t happen, because you’re one of the most observative and intelligent people I know. It’s going to be fine. And I _know_ I can’t promise anything when it comes to the future, but I can promise things about the present, right? So, I promise that right now, I care about you a whole lot and I can’t see that ending anytime soon.” Lapis lightly ruffled Peridot’s hair, causing a grumble of defeat and annoyance. She had won… well, she couldn’t tell if this was a _discussion_ or an _argument,_ but either way she was on the correct and victorious side of the conversation.

“Yeah, okay,” the blonde responded, turning her attention to watching for the theater. “I’m… not going to be able to stop worrying, though. I hope you understand that.” Another worried glance was given to the teenager, who nodded understandingly. Anxiety didn’t quit just because reassurance had been given - Lapis knew that much, and the knowledge was made more empathetic by her own mental issues. She knew how it felt - better than she probably would have liked.

“I know. As long as you keep what I just told you in mind, I won’t hold it against you.” The blue haired girl replied with a small smile on her face. “And you need to remember to talk to me about things like this, okay? We… need to be able to communicate with each other. I don’t want us to crash and burn just because one of us couldn’t tell the other what was bothering her.” She ran a hand through her hair, shifting her bangs out of her face a little. “Promise you’ll remember to talk to me and not bottle it up?”

“I promise,” Peridot sighed heavily, turning into the parking lot. Silence followed as she looked for a place to stop the car, and once she had parked, she leaned back into the leather seat with a heavy sigh. She looked… tired, and Lapis had to wonder why. She didn’t think she’d been staying up late again, because the shorter of the two had a tendency to push her to go to bed when she did - even on nights when they didn’t sleep curled up together and used the separate bedrooms to get space and privacy.

The clouds opened up just as Peridot’s door did, and the blonde made a long and exaggerated whining noise when the rain started none too gracefully in a downpour. Lapis couldn’t help but laugh a little as the disgruntled blonde got absolutely soaked, but she did rush out to join her; she wasn’t supposed to run, being eight months pregnant, so she just walked quite speedily to the other side of the Volkswagen and grabbed onto Peridot’s hand. “Come on, let’s go before we start looking like we jumped into a pool before we got here,” she muttered so that only her girlfriend could hear, even though she knew perfectly well that hurrying into the building wouldn’t help whatsoever at whatever pace they used.

“We’re going to be soaked either way,” was the hiss of a response, but the taller woman cooperated nonetheless, tugging her towards the safe dryness of the movie theater. “We’ll be lucky if they even let us into the screening room with how many puddles we’ll be trailing everywhere. They’ll probably stop us right at the door. ‘Sorry, we don’t accept money from wet lesbians.’”

“Oh, my god, do you even realize how lewd you sound sometimes?” Lapis asked, choking back a long and loud laughing fit. “But seriously, you’re a dork.”

“Psh, takes one to know one.”

“I love you, you know.”

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback would be very much appreciated. This fic is now in the home stretch of completion. And yeah, this is the first time that they've actually said "I love you" to each other.


	23. Looking Ahead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis and Peridot have a conversation about the future. This chapter contains a ridiculous amount of fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They are cute I love them

The snow was melting, leaving brown grass and a whole lot of mud behind; spring seemed to be coming later than it usually did, and Lapis was glad that it was finally ebbing away. She sat with her legs crossed on her bed, hands absentmindedly rubbing at the swell of her belly and blue gaze settled on the steadily retreating white out her window. She was feeling… fairly mellow, and some poetic part of her left over from when she was a twelve year old thought that the coming spring chasing away the winter was like a metaphor for how her life was going. A bit of a dorky thought, maybe, but not one that interrupted the calm surrounding her; if anything, it just made her feel even more relaxed.

Moments like these were rare, and they were nice. She had been feeling Malachite move around even more often and more enthusiastically than before, but at the moment she was still; Lapis figured that her unborn child must be taking a nap.  _ Now if only she would do that when  _ I’m _ trying to sleep, _ she commented silently with just the slightest amount of annoyance in her mental tone. It wore off quickly, though, and she sighed heavily, content to watch out the window.

She wasn’t entirely sure what the time was, but she knew that it was after two, and that meant that Peridot would be home soon. That meant that either the peace of the moment would be over, or she would have someone to share it with; either way, she wasn’t particularly dreading the return of her girlfriend. Wasn’t especially looking forward to it, either; she was kind of a blank slate at the moment, mood more neutral and calm than anything. It wasn’t often that she was not wrapped up in some kind of emotional turmoil, and she kind of wished that she could be relaxed like this more often. She might be less of a complete mess three quarters of the time if she could just drift into some eternal zen state.

Lapis knew that Peridot had gotten home before the door even opened; from her bedroom she could still hear the footsteps and grumbling approaching. The blonde wasn’t exactly a  _ quiet _ person unless she was exceedingly determined to keep her volume down, and whether that was a good or a bad thing usually depended on how Lapis was feeling at the moment. For the time being, much like everything else, it was neutral, and she didn’t even bother getting up; it would be too much effort, and Peridot would probably come back to see how she was doing anyway, so there wasn’t a point.

She was correct, because shortly after the front door to the apartment opened and closed, slightly quieter footsteps made their way to her room and the closed door creaked open. “Hey,” Peridot spoke in a soft tone - Lapis’ own quietness must have prompted her to be less of a loudmouth, and the younger girl was fine with that. “How’re you feeling?,” she asked, walking over and climbing onto the bed to sit next to her. Lapis let her; she could use the company, and it wasn’t like there was a reason not to.

“Fine,” she answered, and the answer was an honest one. “Just thinking.”

“What about?,” Peridot asked, gently entwining their arms together as soon as she was sure that the claim of ‘fine’ wasn’t passive aggressive as it tended to be. Lapis leaned over, resting her head on the other’s shoulder. “I’ve been thinking a little too, but I’ll let you talk first.”

“Spring is coming, and it’s nice. But it also means that - y’know - time is going by. And I’m not entirely sure if I’m happy about how quickly it’s going,” she tilted her head a little to look at Peridot’s face - she seemed to be relaxing, gaze focused outside, but on the buildings across the street instead of on the ground like Lapis’ had been. Somehow, she got even more adorable every time she saw her, which just really wasn’t fair; she must have had some sort of superpower that modified her appearance to be even better every time she went to work. Yeah, that could explain it.

“Yeah… maybe it’s a little too fast,” the older girl replied quietly, gently leaning her head so that her cheek rested against the top of Lapis’ head. “But that might be a good thing. I mean, you’re doing so much better than you were a while ago. And it’s getting pretty close to the due date. I bet time’s going to go by even  _ faster _ once Malachite’s born - cuz then we’ll always be busy, or something like that. I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure there’s gonna be good things in the future, right?”

“You talk a lot,” Lapis grumbled quietly - she already knew that, but it didn’t hurt to point it out every so often. “But yeah - at least, I hope so. There’s nothing we can really do to predict what’s going to happen, so I guess just hoping for a good future is the best thing to do.”

Peridot made a soft sound of agreement, and silence passed between the two for a little while. Lapis would have been perfectly fine with neither of them talking or moving until it was eventually time for dinner, but alas, it was the blonde who was the first to speak. “Actually, I’ve been thinking a little bit about the future, too. When I wasn’t, y’know, thinking about doing my job. And I think that we have it pretty good for the moment, and the next little while  _ at least _ is all set up to be pretty good, but - I was wondering if you’ve ever considered having… marriage in the future? It might be good for Malachite to have a stepmom that’s  _ actually _ married to her mom and not just dating her. Because otherwise kids at school might make fun of her for it, and things like that.”

That  _ did _ make sense to Lapis, and she had to admit that - and she  _ was _ hoping that they could have something like that someday, but… it had also been drilled into her head on countless occasions to not just rush into a marriage like her own parents had, even if that was slightly hypocritical of her mother to tell her. “We’ve only been dating for two months,” she replied in a tone that she tried to keep deadpan, but probably came off as a little bit inquisitory. “Not to mention you haven’t been much for just hurrying into things in the time I’ve known you. Are you feeling okay, Dot?”

“Not right  _ now! _ ,” Peridot replied quickly, and Lapis didn’t even need to look at her to know that a scarlet blush was spreading across her face. “We’re  _ definitely _ not ready to get married right now, Jesus! I meant, like… in the future, a year or two from now. After we’ve been dating a while and Malachite’s a little older. I just wanted to know if you’ve considered it as… a possibility for a little further down the road, that’s all - you don’t have to commit to whatever you say right now, I promise.”

Lapis had to force down a small laugh, but the corners of her mouth had still drifted upwards into a smile. “Sorry, I misunderstood at first,” she apologized, though she didn’t feel all that sheepish. “But yeah, that definitely does sound like a nice option for when we’re ready. Maybe in a few years. It’s not like there’s a rush or anything, right?” She sunk into the contact a little more, closing her eyes and relaxing - she didn’t think she would ever take Peridot for granted, or stop appreciating having someone that she trusted enough to be in close contact with and have no fear.

“Right,” the blonde replied, pulling the blue haired girl into her lap and holding her close. “Damn, you’re heavy, you know that?,” she spoke in a tone that was more playful than anything, gently resting her hands on the swell of Lapis’ stomach - the shorter woman couldn’t help but wonder what she was thinking. Thankfully, she didn’t have to wonder long, because Peridot spoke again shortly. “... I hope she likes me. I’m going to do my best, but - I’m not her  _ real _ parent, I can’t help but worry that she might…  _ resent _ me for being with you, or something like that.”

“You’re going to be more of a parent to her than her…  _ actual _ other parent is,” Lapis replied with a small frown, tilting her head back so that she could have some eye contact. Unfortunately, Peridot seemed to be avoiding her gaze. “Don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll like you. There’s this… I don’t know, psychological thing? She can recognize voices at this point, and you’re familiar to her, so it’s kind of like she’s imprinted on you like a duckling. I think. Something like that, anyway.”

Peridot snorted a bit and tightened her grip, as if she wasn’t quite reassured. “That makes sense, I guess,” she replied, planting a small and soft kiss on Lapis’ forehead. “Who knows, maybe the ridiculously mucky affection and  _ loooooove _ between us will rub off on her. I want us to be one of those couples that is so in love that our kid is disgusted.”

_ Our kid. _ Lapis’ heart swelled, and she grinned - so much for calmness, that was replaced rather easily by giddiness. “I bet we will be,” she responded, turning around with a bit of difficulty so that she was sitting facing Peridot; unfortunately, her bump required her to scoot back a little. “We’re going to be slow dancing in the kitchen while her friends are over and she’ll be yelling at us to stop being mushy. Then we’ll kiss just to frustrate her further, and she’s going to be so ticked off. It’ll be hilarious.” She leaned forward as much as she could in order to rest her forehead against her girlfriend’s; she was almost ridiculously happy. Everything was okay, she was safe, she was  _ loved, _ she had a pretty bright future with love and a family ahead of her. And she loved that.

She was caught slightly off guard when Peridot suddenly shifted her face forward to connect their lips, but she quickly melted into the kiss, closing her eyes and leaning into it a bit, wrapping her arms around the older girl’s shoulders. The contact lasted a few seconds, and Lapis couldn’t help but pout a little when the blonde pulled back and broke it off - though she did giggle a bit when she realized that her face was turning bright red. A small blush of her own formed, and she grinned happily - yeah. This was nice; more than nice, actually, it was amazing. She’d probably never been happier in her life.

Lapis then proceeded to pepper little kisses all over Peridot’s face, making her squeal and squirm a little. It was to no avail, because the younger girl shifted her grip so that her arms were wrapped tightly around the other’s midsection - the blonde was trapped in her affection, and there was no way she was getting out. Peridot sighed heavily, though she did a bit of a bad job in pretending that she was inconvenienced by the onslaught of little pecks. A small giggle escaped Lapis as she continued with her attack, eventually wrapping it up by just pressing her lips against the other’s once more.

By the time that kiss was finished, they were both blushing and giggling messes, and Lapis leaned on Peridot, still hugging her tightly. The older girl allowed her, wrapping her own arms around her, and they sat in silence for a little while, just appreciating each other’s company and listening to the silence around them. It took a while for either of them to speak again, but it did end up being Peridot to break the silence.

“Wanna go get something to eat?”

“Obviously.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this fic is getting close to its completion goal and I can't reach it with just biweekly updates I might do a couple of chapters that aren't on the schedule
> 
> Feedback would be great - I don't really wanna look like /that/ guy but I do get a lot of inspiration from people leaving comments, it lets me know that people are reading and want more


	24. Reclaiming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis and Peridot try to have sex. Kinda smutty but more sloppy makeout.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kinda smutty but it's more sloppy makeout than actual doing the doodle.

“Can we have sex?”

To say that the question spoken by the small woman lying next to her took Peridot by surprise would be the understatement of the century. Not only because it was an _incredibly_ lewd suggestion to make out of the blue, but also because she had been fairly certain for the months she had known Lapis that the younger of the two would never want to be touched in such a way again. “Why on earth do you want to have sex?,” the blonde asked incredulously, shifting slightly so that she could stare at her girlfriend, who was looking up at her with wide and questioning eyes.

“It's not entirely unreasonable for me to want to reclaim my sexuality, is it?,” the younger asked, and while Peridot really found the fact that she was using actual proper English confusing and slightly worrying, she couldn't help but admit that it _was_ kind of understandable. “I've never had an actual positive experience with sex, and I kind of want to see what it's like when it's not... in a room full of mirrors and at the hands of people I hate. Plus, I'm eight months pregnant and my hormones are going absolutely off the walls, and that includes my libido.”

Well, that was... strangely logical reasoning for a woman that had a tendency to let her emotions take the reigns instead of her head. Peridot inclined her head slightly to look at the ceiling, a bit of a dark and ruddy blush taking over her cheeks – she was... kind of worried. It wasn't _normal_ for Lapis to act like this. It was, quite frankly, a little concerning and confusing. “Well, I'm not going to say _no,_ ” the blonde replied slowly and carefully. “But I'm kind of worried for your well-being. We can _start,_ and if you start feeling uncomfortable at any time, we will stop. Immediately. No questions asked. All you need to do is tell me, and we can cut it out and not worry about it again.”

Lapis worried her lower lip between her teeth for a moment, and Peridot continued watching her quietly. She was ready to just say no and completely contradict her previous claim – to her, it was kind of clear that the younger woman was unsure about rushing into this, and the blonde was completely unwilling to carry on with anything that Lapis wasn't completely ready for; but before she could voice her concerns completely, the blue haired woman nodded. “Alright. That's reasonable.”

Uncertainly, Peridot shifted so that she was seated between her girlfriend's legs – she was getting slightly flustered, and it was probably obvious. “Are – are you _sure_ you want to do this? There's... there's no shame in just backing out, you know--,” she was cut off by a small nod from Lapis, but having always been a nervous talker, she started right on rambling again. “Is there anything you _don't_ want me to do? Just so I know as a precaution and don't screw something up.”

“You're ruining the mood, Dot,” the younger of the two grumbled, and most of the reason she could tell that Lapis was teasing was the fact that there wasn't much of a mood to begin with. She seemed to mull over the question for a moment before pulling herself up on her elbows and examining Peridot for a moment – damn it, she almost looked _hungry,_ and the nerd was kind of flustered by that. Though... not entirely put off. “No penetration. Make – make sure you're _gentle._ And... don't stop being a sweetheart, because that is _really_ appreciated.”

The blonde assumed she meant to not quit asking for consent, and she hadn't been planning on it in the first place. She had been planning on being gentle, too – she didn't want to try and spring rough sex on her girlfriend for a multitude of reasons, including her own lack of experience, Lapis' overwhelmingly _negative_ experience, and concern as far as accidentally causing damage to the baby went. As for penetration, well, that made things a _bit_ more difficult on her end, mostly because Peridot herself needed penetration to cum whenever she 'took care of herself' and that was where most of her knowledge on the topic of intercourse went. With the exception of reading way too much fanfiction (and writing a fair amount herself in her spare time, admittedly, though she hadn't had time to since Lapis moved in). “Sounds like a plan,” she replied uncertainly, then awkwardly rubbed the back of her head. “Do you, um, have any experience with foreplay? Because all I know comes from spending late nights reading _Camp Pining Hearts_ fanfiction. To – to my knowledge, anyway, most of my junior year of high school is kind of a giant blur and I might have done something then.”

“No, and you really run your mouth when you're flustered. It's adorable,” was Lapis' response before she tilted her head, evidently to think back on things and try to tell if she actually had any experience that was unrelated to her time as a captive. “Honestly, no, not really – so just try what you read about in your fics, it might work. I don't know, but it's worth a try,” Wide blue eyes settled back on her, and Peridot could feel her cheeks getting redder.

Uncertainly but willing to try, the techie shifted forward, being ever so careful with the baby bump making her girlfriend a little bit difficult to reach. She carefully latched onto Lapis' neck, giving the soft skin light but meaningful kisses. The younger of the two shuddered slightly, and Peridot was afraid that she might have overstepped a boundary already, but a soft little noise from her throat convinced her otherwise. Still, she thought that it wouldn't hurt to check, so she pulled away and furrowed her brows, examining her girlfriend closely. “You okay?,” she asked with a small frown on her face – if the answer was anything but some variation of 'yes,' she would stop and call it off.

“Mmhmm,” the blue haired woman responded calmly – or, well, Peridot hoped it was calmly. Her face certainly didn't give anything that wasn't cool relaxation away, but the blonde had never been particularly good at reading people – that was one thing the two of them had in common. “I'm alright,” she promised, content expression turning into a small frown of confusion – had it really been more than a few sentence since Peridot hesitated? “It felt nice. You can keep going. Thanks for checking.”

The nerd nodded unsurely and went back to focusing her attention on the younger woman's neck, trailing soft pecks from her jawline to her collarbone. She was almost a little surprised by the soft squeaks and moans coming from the younger woman – she wasn't all that experienced, no, but wasn't this a little early for her girlfriend to be getting worked up? Peridot was also caught a little off guard when Lapis took the initiative to sit up and wrap her arms around the blonde's middle – it was a bit of an awkward fit, because of the younger's swollen belly, and Peridot had to crane her neck into an almost uncomfortable position to reach her.

“Might be... easier if I were to sit on your lap and you were to do everything from behind,” Lapis murmured softly, though her tight grip on the blonde said that she didn't want to let go anytime soon. “That way you won't have to – you won't have to lean around me like that. It doesn't look all that comfortable. And _you're_ just as important as _I_ am,” she twitched slightly as she finished the last sentence, the smallest of whines escaping her when Peridot nibbled lightly.

“But then I wouldn't be able to see your face,” the older girl grumbled lightly. “I wanna be able to see your expression so I can stop if you need to.”

“We've already established that I'll tell you if that – ah!”

“Are you _turned on_ right now?”

“I've never been treated gently _like this,_ cut me some slack.”

Peridot couldn't help but chuckle a little, but she shifted their positions so that she was behind Lapis nonetheless and pulled the smaller girl onto her lap. Her girlfriend almost seemed to purr a little at the closeness and closed her eyes, leaning her head back so that the older woman could reach the side of her neck from their current position. “Can I take off your shirt?,” Peridot asked quietly, running her hands down Lapis' upper body in a moment of tenderness – she was _soft,_ and it was strange, because one would expect her to feel kind of firm at the moment, but the blonde wasn't complaining. She must have put on more weight than either of them had expected in the last few months, and the older of the two was going to have to brace herself for the whining that would ensue. That was fine.

Lapis nodded in confirmation, and the blonde carefully bunched up some of the fabric of the nightshirt in her hands, pulling it up off the other girl's body. She thought that her girlfriend's body was gorgeous, bump or no bump – but said other girl appeared to be more than a little discontent with her current appearance “I've gotten bigger,” she grumbled, apparently a little disgruntled by the realization.

“Like you said, you're eight months pregnant. Of course you've gained weight. You're carrying a _tiny person_ inside of you, Lazuli. And in my opinion, you're still gorgeous anyway.”

She didn't need to glance at the younger girl's face to know that she had stuck her tongue out in light and undirected defiance. “I'm going to work out like mad to lose it all after this baby is out.”

“Nothing's stopping you, but don't expect me to join you. I don't excersize.”

Lapis snorted. “I know.”

Peridot rolled her eyes goodnaturedly and leaned forward a little so she could catch her girlfriend in a kiss while her head was still turned. Her grip turned a little more possessive when the younger of the two willingly tilted her head into the kiss, and the blonde's tongue prodded lightly at the other girl's lips, requesting entrance – Lapis gave it to her without hesitation, parting her mouth a bit to allow the older girl's tongue to tentatively explore the new area presented to her. She gently ran her tongue against a spot in Lapis' mouth that must have been sensitive, because the shorter of the two moaned softly against her lips and Jesus Christ that was an accomplishment that probably shouldn't have made something clench in her lower abdomen but did anyway.

Cautious pale hands wandered down tanned skin before resting on Lapis' thighs, gently squeezing and kneading the flesh there. The younger woman whined slightly and squirmed in Peridot's grip, but the older of the two liked to think that she knew Lapis well enough by now to tell when she was whining out of discomfort and distress or out of pleasure. This was her first time hearing her whine out of pleasure, and the nerd would be damned if it wasn't the most fucking pleasant sound she'd ever heard in her twenty one years of life in this godforsaken world.

Things were going swimmingly and moving forward nicely, and Peridot was surprised in a rather nice way. She had to break their kiss in order to gasp for breath, but she made sure that she made that as quick as humanly possible, allowing herself to catch up on oxygen before immediately occupying herself with making out with her girlfriend again. The blonde was getting turned on, and she was made depressingly aware of that by the wetness beginning to gather in her panties; judging by the increasing frequency of whines and moans coming from Lapis, the effect was similar for her, too. Peridot had to pull away in order to ask a breathless question, still necessary despite things going fine.

“Are you okay if I touch you?”

“Yeah.”

With the confirmation given, the blonde gently ran her index finger up her girlfriend's still-clothed (and rather wet) slit, earning a shudder and a soft moan from Lapis. Encouraged, Peridot gently took ahold of the waistband of her girlfriend's panties, beginning to tug them down so she could access her nether regions more directly – and she did manage to pull them down to tanned knees, but--

She stopped immediately when she felt the smaller girl tense up in her arms. Worried, Peridot pulled out of the kiss, finding her eyes immediately met by wide blue. Lapis... for one reason or another, looked completely terrified. The older woman pulled away without even thinking about it, putting her hands in the air as if to assure her girlfriend that she wasn't in any danger. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” she whispered hoarsely, feeling absolutely horrible – this was a bad idea, of _course_ it was, how could she have been so stupid as to go along with it? But it was _not_ about her at the moment.

“Can we stop?,” Lapis asked in a quiet and small voice, beginning to tremble a little where she sat. Peridot nodded – vigorously – and kept her hands in the air. The younger woman shakily pulled up her underwear, shivering getting worse by the moment, and Peridot had to resist the urge to pull her into her arms and assure her that she was safe and everything was okay.

Silence passed between them for several moments, and it wasn't the good and comfortable kind of silence – it was a quietness that made the blonde squirm and want to break it.

Then Lapis started crying.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reaaaally sorry about the delay. I'm going to try to have the next chapter up either later today or tomorrow since it'll bleed into this one a little but I make no promises. Feedback would be great mate.


	25. Broken? Nah.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot calms Lapis down, some fluff happens, and Lapis has a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised I would have the next chapter up immediately and I did. Dunno how happy I am with it.

Lapis was fine. Just a little shaken. With haywire hormones that made her process things with about two times more emotion than she usually did. She was mainly just crying because she was frustrated with herself - everything had been going fine, she was pretty comfortable, Peridot was being very sweet and gentle, maybe it was a _little_ awkward but honestly, most first times were… and then her _stupid_ and _fucked up_ brain had decided to remind her of the first time she had been… touched inappropriately. It had been a very brief and very underwhelming flashback, but enough that she’d felt the need to stop - and she felt strangely _guilty_ about that, like she had gotten Peridot’s hopes up only to crash them back down. And now she felt even **worse** because she was in tears and her girlfriend seemed to be either shocked or completely at a loss on how to help. Or both.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” the younger woman managed to choke out, twisting as much as she could in the older’s lap in order to tightly wrap her arms around Peridot as if afraid that the blonde would get up and leave. Lapis was, admittedly, more than a little relieved when the embrace was returned without hesitation, and comforted when a light kiss was planted against her temple and thin fingers ran through her hair. Well - she also felt childish and a little silly, but she was mostly comforted for the time being, and it helped ease her sobs as much as it was possible for them to be eased.

“Why are you sorry? There’s nothing to be sorry about,” Peridot responded in a tone made high by what Lapis assumed was anxiety, and she felt even _worse_ about that. She was convinced that she was a pretty good contender for World’s Worst Girlfriend.

“I got your hopes up but then I wanted to stop, and now I’m stressing you out, and I’m just a big problem, and I - I suck, I’m really sorry, you deserve better, and I bet you wish you weren’t stuck with me,” her tangent got more and more self deprecating with every word she spoke, and it likely would have gotten worse if not for Peridot gently shushing her and pressing her lips against her cheek. The blue haired woman let out a soft whine and leaned against her girlfriend, closing her eyes and trying to make her own thoughts settle down so she wouldn’t work herself into an anxiety attack.

“Lapis, I told you, I was fine with stopping at any time. I’m not desperate, and even if I was, I am perfectly capable of just stepping out for half an hour and masturbating,” the blonde replied softly, tugging her into a laying position - they tried to situate themselves in a comfortable cuddle, but alas, Lapis’ belly being huge dictated that they wind up spooning; with Peridot as the big spoon, of course, arms wrapped around the younger girl as best she could. She still didn’t like the fact that she was kind of big now, but before she could actually start thinking on yet another reason to be down her girlfriend started talking again. “And you _don’t_ suck. Not to me. You’re an amazing, strong, beautiful, and resourceful woman, and I love you a lot. Just between you and me, I think _you_ deserve better.”

“That’s ridiculous,” the shorter woman scoffed, effectively calming down from her miniature freakout and now just feeling… sleepy now that she wasn’t crying. She wasn’t entirely sure of what time it was, but it must have been getting late, since they’d been lying together since eight and she usually didn’t get tired until a couple of hours later - or maybe the extra strain on her body was finally catching up with her and making her energy drain even faster. She didn’t much appreciate that, honestly.

“You don’t have a counter argument, so I’m just going to assume I’m right,” Peridot replied, and Lapis didn’t need to turn over to know that she was sticking out her tongue and had a smug little smile on her face. “You _do,_ however, have a doctor’s appointment in the morning, so you might wanna get some sleep soon. I even took the day off so I could come with you.”

“That really isn’t necessary, I could’ve just had Rose take me,” Lapis grumbled - she wasn’t ungrateful by a long shot, she was actually kind of _flattered_ and _touched_ and very deeply appreciated the gesture. But at the same time, she felt a little bad that Peridot was already taking time off of her still fairly new job to cart her around and take care of her. “I mean, thanks, that was really nice of you, but I… don’t want you to waste your life pulling me around and shit.”

“I _wanted_ to. I’ve been stuck behind a desk programming for eight hours a day Monday through Friday for the last, I dunno, three months. I need a Monday off… and I want to be there for you. I know things are kind of - okay, extremely - hard on you, and I feel kinda bad just leaving you to your own devices a ton of the time while I’m off working. Familial shit is a perfect excuse to take a day off and spend time with you. We can stop at a restaurant after your appointment or something and make it a date. It’ll be fun, I promise.”

Lapis was blushing slightly, and she knew it, but she didn’t make any effort to hide it or make it go away - it was nice to have somebody that _could_ make her blush, honestly, and she couldn’t even begin to think about taking Peridot for granted. “So you’re trying to give me the message to rest up by bribing me with a date? That’s low, but I guess I can fall for it,” the younger woman sighed dramatically, shifting back so that she was slightly pressed against her girlfriend. Said girlfriend responded by gently squeezing her - almost _too_ carefully, as if she was made of porcelain and could break easily.

“Not _bribing_ you. _Persuading_ you,” Peridot corrected lightly, with a mock haughty tone, as if those weren’t the same thing. “I was going to take you on a date either way anyway, unless the day takes a turn for the worst. But yes, I’m trying to tell you to go to sleep. Because you need it. Both you _and_ our baby - I really don’t want to think of the bad side effects that skipping out on a night of rest could bring. Do I really need to scare you into getting some shuteye?”

“No, you don’t,” Lapis rolled her eyes goodnaturedly, grabbing onto Peridot’s hand to she could bring the extremity to her face and plant gentle kisses against each knuckle. “And you also don’t need to consider Malachite _your_ baby too, if you don’t want to. She’s mine, she isn’t biologically related to you - I mean, just because you’re dating her mom doesn’t mean you have to claim her,” Not to say she didn’t think it was sweet, of course, she was just trying to consider Peridot’s feelings as well. She wasn’t entirely sure how she would feel if she was in the opposite position.

 _“Our_ baby, as long as you’re okay with me being her other mother figure,” the older woman repeated in a stubborn tone, lightly poking the bulge of Lapis’ stomach. Malachite, who had been rather quiet and drowsy all day, responded with a strong kick that made her mother wince - it felt like the damn baby was getting stronger and stronger every day, which unfortunately meant that carrying her was becoming downright painful about half the time. If it wasn’t kicks, it was her aching back, which was having a bit of trouble carrying around an extra person.

“Alright, alright, you big sap,” Lapis responded, turning her head a bit with a fond smile on her face so that she could look at the older woman. “You can call her your daughter if you want, and I think she’s kind of happy with that, too, because now she’s kicking me and she’s been asleep all day.”

Peridot laughed slightly and gently kissed her cheek, effectively making the younger of the two blush and grin. “See? She recognizes me. She _definitely_ wants me to be her Mom 2.0.”

“You’re a dork.”

“Yes, but I’m _your_ dork.”

“That you are, Peri. That you are.”

* * *

 

Lapis was in an open field, that much she knew. She could kind of tell that she was dreaming, partially because she lived in the city and partially because the stars looked different from how they should have looked - brighter, as if the earth was younger and no light pollution or changes to the atmosphere had ever had the opportunity to strike. A deep breath of the night air told her that she was near the ocean - even though she couldn’t hear the crashing waves, she could smell the salt.

She was also alone, but she didn’t feel uneasy - she didn’t feel _lost,_ despite not knowing where exactly she was, and she normally had a tendency to be afraid of the unknown and afraid of _being_ alone in general. Glancing around the field gave her a faint sense of security, of belonging, and of _home._ That was enough to convince her that she was, in fact, dreaming, because she was fairly certain that she have never been to this place before - let alone enough to feel safe here.

“So I’m going to be a grandma, am I?”

The words spoken in a familiar yet slightly forgotten voice made Lapis turn quickly; and, surely enough, she found herself looking at a tall and dark haired woman that she knew to be her mother. There was another thing to let her know she was dreaming; she had not seen her parent since the day she was kidnapped, and it was rare to spot the woman without a hood covering half of her face. “Yeah,” the blue haired girl replied quietly - regardless of whether this was a dream, she felt a little ill at ease in Blue Diamond’s presence when it was just the two of them with nothing else to focus on.

“You’ve been very brave to go through with it and not let all of this break you,” her mother spoke softly, moving forward to part Lapis’ bangs from her eyes. Eyes the color of the deep ocean scrutinized her for a moment, and the younger woman had to resist the urge to squirm as Blue Diamond rested her hands on her shoulders. Lapis looked much more like her father than her mother, and she was aware of that, but there wasn’t any avoiding the fact that she had inherited the eye color.

“But I _am_ broken,” she replied, frowning deeply. “I can’t have sex without having a flashback out of fucking nowhere, I have anxiety and panic attacks more often than I used to, my girlfriend has to constantly worry about me. You can’t just _say_ I’m not broken, that’s complete bullshit.”

“Watch your language,” Blue Diamond spoke in a slightly scolding tone, frowning slightly at her daughter. “I think you overuse the word _broken_ a little, dear. You still work properly - you’re healing, and not wanting sex doesn’t mean you’re overly damaged, or anything like that. You might have been broken a little while ago, but you’ve been fixed enough that you aren’t anymore. And that’s mainly because of _you._ You’ve let Peridot help you and you’ve taken steps needed to move past what happened to you. Now all you need to do is stop dwelling so much on the past and start moving forward.”

“I’m _trying._ ”

Silence passed for a few moments, and then the world around them began to fade. “You’re waking up,” Blue Diamond commented simply, giving her hair a light ruffle - which was odd enough in the first place, a new behavior that easily reminded Lapis that she was dreaming. “Stay strong. You’re doing so well. Keep being brave, and keep being strong. I’m very proud of you.”

“Will I ever see you in person again?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. But if you do, I can assure you that I will be just as proud.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALRIGHT, NOW IT'S THE REAL HOME STRETCH. Five chapters left, and the last little arc is going to go down in that time frame. I'll try to have this finished up by the time spring break ends.
> 
> Comments would be appreciated.


	26. Early

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can probably guess what happens here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how I feel about this chapter tbh??

Lapis’ eyes fluttered open at about three in the morning, and she wasn’t entirely sure why she had woken so early - it was pitch dark and silent in the room, the only sounds being her own soft breathing and the hushed snoring of Peridot next to her. She felt somewhat light headed, though she could easily pass that off as still being about half awake, and was certain that she would fall asleep again in no time - maybe it was a car passing by outside, or something insignificant like that. She was aware that she could be a light sleeper at times, and this might not have been an exception.

She sighed heavily and laid back down, scooting back so that her back was pressed against Peridot’s front. The other woman subconsciously shifted her arms around her in her sleep, and Lapis’ heart melted into a gooey puddle of fondness at the bottom of her chest. She was able to begin falling back into a peaceful sleep once more, given that she was still sleepy and craving a good night’s rest - life was going to become fairly hectic in a month or less, and she wanted to make sure she was all caught up on her sleep before she had to lose a fuckton of it taking care of a baby.

However, she was woken up about twenty minutes later, and this time she could tell what it was that roused her from her sleep - a sharp pain in her lower abdomen, like a menstrual cramp. It wore off pretty quickly, but it had happened long enough to effectively wake her up and chase any thought of sleeping more out of her mind. A contraction - she knew what it was despite never having felt one before; what  _ else _ could it be? Panic seized her momentarily and she was tempted to shake Peridot awake, but… early labor, if this  _ was _ labor and not just a false alarm, could last hours. She didn’t want to work her girlfriend up into a panic and go to the hospital way earlier than she needed to.

The eighteen year old didn’t think she’d be able to get effective sleep with contractions hitting her every so often, though, so she opted for just turning over and trying not to freak out. She was a lot calmer than she knew she probably should have been, but at the same time she was understandably rather nervous - she was experiencing contractions a month ahead of schedule, and was not as prepared for motherhood as she’d thought. Perhaps it was just the stress of the moment, but every time her abdomen clenched - the tight cramps were becoming closer together every time one happened now - she thought a little more about what could go wrong. Both in the near future and in the far future.

What if she bled out in a hospital bed? What if there were complications that her lithe and petite body couldn’t handle? What if the baby came out unhealthy? What if the baby came out fine but she screwed something up, crushed her within moments of having her? Or what if she was just an  _ awful mother _ and wound up screwing Malachite up for life, having to give her up for adoption within a week because she just couldn’t handle anything so major?

She knew that if Peridot were awake, the older woman would probably snap at her for being so ridiculous and tell her that just  _ worrying _ about it pretty much confirmed that she would be a good parent, because she was doubting herself - or something like that. Under most circumstances, that might have made her feel better, but just as the thought completed itself a contraction hit her so hard that she hunched over slightly with a small squeal of pain. Jesus, not even the torture that had seriously upped her pain resistance could have prepared her for this… but they were keeping her from getting bored, at least.

By five o’clock in the morning, the intense cramps were only six minutes apart and getting worse with every passing moment. The only thing keeping her from calling out for Peridot was the knowledge that it was  _ insanely _ early in the morning and the blonde might get upset with her for interfering with her oh-so-important sleep. That was  _ seriously _ unlikely to happen, and she knew it but she didn’t want to risk it - she didn’t want to fuck up their relationship.

At five minutes apart, her water broke.

She could tell more easily by the liquid suddenly staining her underwear and sweatpants than anything else - otherwise, it could have just been another contraction. Foregoing all concern for making Peridot mad at her, she quickly grabbed onto her girlfriend’s arm and started trying to shake her awake. “Peri, wake up. Come  _ on, _ I know you’re a heavy sleeper, but Jesus --”

A painful spasm cut her off, and she curled in around her stomach as if to protect it from what was happening - but of  _ course _ that instinctual reaction wouldn’t work, the agony was coming from the inside. Luckily, just as she was rendered absolutely unable to do much of anything, the blonde finally woke up, sitting up slowly and rubbing her eyes with a yawn. Lapis was slightly annoyed with her for taking so long to respond to her needing help - damn it, she was her  _ caretaker _ as well as her  _ girlfriend, _ she should have opened her eyes at the first sign of trouble!

Luckily for the blonde, though, she seemed to recognize that something was off as soon as she sat up - which was probably obvious, so Lapis had to remind herself not to be  _ too _ impressed. “What’s wrong?,” Peridot asked drowsily, green eyes dull with sleep but also excessively concerned. The younger of the two opened her mouth to reply, but was hit with another cramp before she could - a squeal of pain left her instead of words, and she grabbed onto Peridot’s shirt. “Lapis, what is it? Are you hurt? What’s the matter?,” the older of the two demanded, putting her hands on her shirt.

“I’m in labor,” Lapis eventually managed to wheeze out, resisting the urge to double over in pain again and cry. “I’ve been having contractions since about three in the morning - so two hours ago - but my water just broke, and they’re really really bad now. I’m pretty sure I need to go to the hospital now.”

Shock was present on Peridot’s face for several seconds, but it was replaced panic, then frustration, then more panic as she quickly stood up and rushed over to the dresser to pull on pants and a sweater. “Why didn’t you wake me up  _ sooner, _ Lapis?!,” she demanded with a voice made high by stress. “You should’ve woken me up when you started having contractions - this is  _ serious!” _

“Really? I thought being in labor was really minor,” Lapis responded with more than a little hint of sarcasm, watching Peridot carefully as the older girl rushed over to help her put on a sweater. She cooperated without a second thought, and rose with great difficulty when her girlfriend helped her get out of bed and stand. She was already dreading having to walk all the way to the car. “Seriously, I was going to wake you up, but I didn’t wanna do it before I needed to. Early stages of labor can last a long ass time, and I didn’t want to have to go to the hospital  _ hours _ before I need to - I would get bored to hell and back just laying in bed while my body throws a hissy fit. But Malachite is really eager to come out and greet the world, apparently, ‘cause she’s a month early  _ and _ this is all happening really fast.”

“She’s grounded for the first three months of her life,” Peridot replied in a deadpan tone, frowning slightly as she supported Lapis on the way out of the apartment. The blue haired girl was grateful for the help, because she seriously doubted that she would be able to walk down to the lobby and then out to the car by herself. 

“She’s just a baby, what are you going to ground her from?,” the younger of the two asked in an amused voice, flinching and trying to resist the urge to stop as another contraction hit. Peridot seemed to notice, because she stopped and lifted her up with surprising strength. “And how the hell are you able to pick me up and carry me?”

“Teddy bears,” the older responded. “And I’m strong because reasons. Mostly lifting and carrying computer shit during high school and college.”

The trip down the stairs and to the car was made in silence. Peridot gently laid Lapis down in the backseat before sitting in the driver’s and reaching back to hold onto her hand - the younger of the two surprised even herself with how tightly she held on, but given her current state of being up to her chin in anxiety and in massive amounts of pain, she supposed she couldn’t really blame herself. Green eyes glanced back at her, the older girl obviously exceedingly concerned.

“Everything’s going to be okay, you know,” Peridot commented casually as she turned her gaze back to the road. She was speeding, that much was obvious - the trip didn’t normally go so fast, and the buildings and trees outside seemed to whiz by even faster every time Lapis had to clench her girlfriend’s hand even tighter through a contraction. She was… scared, for multiple reasons, and just hoped that the blonde would keep her eyes on the road enough to prevent a car accident from occurring.

“I know,” Lapis lied - she  _ didn’t _ know that everything was going to be fine, and there was no way for either of them to be aware of the outcome for sure. She was typically the more optimistic of the two, but… this entire situation was  _ terrifying, _ and there was no way that she could bounce around that. She was  _ in labor, _ and she would have an actual human being to take care of in a little while if everything went well. It wasn’t like she was…  _ regretting _ any of her decisions.

She was just young, and afraid, and unsure.

* * *

 

The actual process of giving birth was mercifully quick, though that may have just been because Lapis felt rather distanced through the whole thing - and she was almost frustrated with herself for it. Voices sounded like they were underwater, pain was achingly obvious but exceedingly distant. She was vaguely aware of doctors talking and Peridot carefully squeezing her hand, but for the most part everything felt like she was having an out of body experience, drifting in the air and watching something happen to somebody else. She was dissociating as a result of how overwhelming this situation was, and she was aware of it, and if she didn’t feel so much like an aimless spirit she might have been frustrated with herself for it being at the worst possible time.

The eighteen year old was only snapped out of it when she came to the realization that something was wrong. She felt… numb, woozy, and past where dissociation normally took her. Her vision was beginning to blur around the edges, and it got worse with every push. By the time she finally heard a baby’s cry, she was barely aware that she was done, was barely aware that her daughter was out and alive and fine. She was barely aware of much of anything but her own impending unconsciousness. She vaguely was able to make out a doctor saying something about her losing too much blood…

She was dying. She didn’t need to have a doctorate to know that losing too much blood was seriously hazardous to her health. With as much concentration as she could muster, she managed to turn her head to Peridot, who was staring at her with a horrified expression - and trying to say something, though she couldn’t make it out.

“I love you,” she murmured weakly, and everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, she won't die. Or will she?
> 
> Feedback appreciated.


	27. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Peridot learns how to feed a newborn and the situation with Lapis is addressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been so bad about updates lately.

Peridot was absolutely beside herself with worry and panic. She had been ushered out of the hospital room as soon as Lapis lost consciousness, and like a lost puppy she had trailed after the nurse that had taken the newborn so she could get cleaned off and her vitals could be checked away from the chaos that was probably going on in Lapis’ general area - and even though the relentless crying was giving the disoriented blonde a bit of a headache, she felt like this was the best thing for her to do at the moment. She’d been an intern long enough to know that there probably wasn’t a point in trying to get into the room of a dying patient when she’d already been forced out.

Dying patient.  _ Lapis _ was  _ dying. _ She had some faith in the doctors and nurses that were still with the younger girl, of course, and hoped that they would be able to fix whatever problem had caused her to start bleeding out, but -- that didn’t change the fact that she had passed out from blood loss and had been losing the life sustaining liquid at a startling and dangerous rate. She didn’t like it one bit - but she would probably work herself into an anxiety attack if she kept dwelling on it and letting her mind wander into more pessimistic trains of thought, and that was the last thing anyone needed.

“You’re her stepmother, right?,” the nurse asked, snapping Peridot out of her thoughts. Malachite was still crying inconsolably; the blonde knew that newborn babies needed to wail a bit to clear out their lungs, but she wasn’t sure if it was supposed to go on that long… despite all of the reading she had done on the subject of babies, she was pitifully inexperienced and this was her first time actually being  _ around _ for a  _ birth _ that consisted of her actually being actively involved in the lives of mother and child instead of just recording the time and date _. _ “Would you like to hold her until she can go back to her mother?”

“Yeah, I am,” the young woman responded, and held out her arms without any hesitation. The warm bundle was carefully placed in her hold, and Peridot shifted so that she was properly cradling the newborn. Frowning slightly, the blonde glanced down at the baby’s pudgy little face - for something that everyone said was larger than normal, she sure was small… even smaller than the baby dolls that the techie used to play with when she was in kindergarten. Surprisingly - and, honestly, more than a little satisfyingly, the sobbing dwindled with just a little light bouncing and rocking on Peridot’s part until the newborn was soothed and gave a little yawn.

Malachite blinked open her eyes to stare at her stepmother, and Peridot’s heart melted almost immediately - it was almost impossible to tell at this point, but she looked a  _ lot _ like Lapis with the exception of her nose and lips, and her eyes were a very light green color. The blonde supposed they would darken in time - maybe even to the same shade as hers… she didn’t know where the baby had inherited that, but she was glad for it - it made her feel more secure. Malachite cooed softly at her stepmother, and Peridot smiled fondly, albeit faintly.

“It might be a while until Lapis has her strength up enough sufficiently, and the baby hasn’t been fed yet - we have some formula set aside for things like this, if you’d like me to teach you how to feed her. I think she likes you already,” the nurse offered, and Peridot glanced up to find that she was being given a gentle and patient smile. The computer nerd nodded and allowed the nurse to lead her to another hospital room, a bit smaller than the previous but also more…  _ homely _ , in a way. The walls were light green, there was a cot in the center with an armchair beside it, a bassinet on the opposite side. The blonde didn’t need to ask to know that this was where Lapis would be moved to after she woke up.

_ If _ she woke up, but Peridot scolded herself for thinking so negatively. Lapis would wake up, and she would be in this room soon, with her baby in her arms and her dorky girlfriend next to her. That was just how things were supposed to be - that had been the plan for the last several months they had lived together, and Peridot was certain that was how it was going to go now, just… a month early with a little bit of a scare happening beforehand. Almost robotically, she walked over to the chair and sat, shifting Malachite so that she could hold her in one arm (holding bottles required at least one hand, or at least that was how she was pretty sure things were supposed to work).

The blonde watched with a small amount of suspicion as the nurse prepared a bottle of formula - it wasn’t that she  _ expected _ the hospital staff to sneak something in her stepdaughter’s nourishment and poison the baby, it was simply the many,  _ many _ unexpected turns this day had dragged her along on giving way to some rather irrational fears and concerns - and it certainly didn’t help that Lapis was currently inaccessible and in the hands of her former coworkers.

She remembered the time Dr. Everett shoved three extra large powdered donuts into his mouth at the same time in the break room and then had to be taken to the emergency room, and shuttered. Yeah, she wasn’t entirely sure if she trusted the trained professionals she used to work with despite having seen them sew together broken people and transfer organs without a single on-site complication. Whenever she tried to reassure herself, her mind would snap back to the doctors and nurses cackling their asses off as poor Everett choked on the ground in his sweet, doughy doom.

The newborn in her arms made a slight whining noise, which brought her back to reality. She watched Malachite with a vague pensive frown - the baby was looking up at her with a rather troubled look, and Peridot could only guess that she would be waving her tiny fists if she wasn’t tightly swaddled. “Yeah, your breakfast’s on its way,” the young woman commented with a sigh, as if Malachite could understand her - and, hell, maybe she could, it wasn’t like the blonde remembered what it was like to be fresh out of the womb. The baby squirmed slightly, and her stepmother responded by gently shifting so that she was in a hopefully more comfortable position - that must have helped, because the concerned expression faded back into a blank look of quiet inquisition.

Peridot had been distracted and, thusly, didn’t expect the nurse to return to her side. She tensed slightly as they carefully moved her arms so that she was holding Malachite in a semi-upright position. “Make sure you hold her like this, or the formula might leak into her middle ear and cause an infection,” they explained almost robotically,  grabbing hold of the blonde’s free hand - there was just no respect for personal space here, was there - and placing a warm baby bottle into it. “Just go ahead and ease the rubber nipple into her mouth - make sure you tilt it so that the formula covers the neck of the bottle so she doesn’t swallow any air while she’s feeding. Stop when she does, don’t force it.

The blonde nodded in understanding and followed the instructions she was given, watching with an odd sort of wonder as Malachite enthusiastically suckled and drank up the white liquid. The baby was able to swallow down a surprising amount before she stopped, after which Peridot handed the bottle back to the nurse. The newborn blinked sleepily and yawned, closing her eyes. “Should I burp her?,” the nerd asked, concerned, glancing back up at the nurse.

“If she could fall asleep that easily, I’d assume she wasn’t uncomfortable, so she probably doesn’t need to,” the nurse shrugged. “I’m going to leave to take care of some other things now. Someone will come get you as soon as there’s an update on Lapis’ condition. If you need anything, don’t be afraid to press the emergency button, and there’s plenty of formula in the cupboards - the instructions are on the boxes. Do you have any questions?”

Peridot shook her head, and before she knew it, she was alone in the room again.

* * *

 

The blonde was unwilling to put down her newborn stepdaughter for even a moment, which made it exceedingly difficult to manage to pull out and operate her phone. She had a sort of cold and unwarranted fear that even a moment of leaving Malachite on her own would result in her losing two people in one day - and though the baby was healthy and Lapis was in good hands, she couldn’t shake the fear no matter how difficult it was to use her phone and call Rose to tell her what was going on.

The contact was selected after a bit of a struggle and Peridot held the device against her ear with her shoulder, waiting with a bit of impatience as it rang. It was closing in on ten in the morning, so it probably wasn’t entirely unreasonable to expect her to be up - but she might have been at work. Internally, Peridot scolded herself for not knowing the schedules of other people better. Much to her relief, though, Rose picked up after three rings.

“Hello? Is something wrong?,” the woman on the other end asked, and with a small amount of annoyance the blonde realized that the service in the hospital was very,  _ very _ bad.

“Hi. Um, depends on what you think of as  _ wrong _ ,” Peridot responded slowly, shifting the newborn in her arms. “Lapis went into labor early this morning. The good news is, Malachite is out, and she’s healthy and happy. I’m holding her right now, she’s kind of quiet. The bad news is that Lapis, um, lost a lot of blood. The doctors are trying to fix it right now, and I haven’t been told anything since she passed out almost an hour ago. So I’m trying to assume things are going well.”

Silence followed for a few moments, and it was definitely easy to figure out that Rose was getting a jacket or a sweater judging by the shifting of fabric on the other end. “I’ll be there in about twenty minutes,” the older woman spoke calmly. “My office is on the opposite side of town, and traffic was pretty bad when I came in. If there’s any change in her condition, let me know immediately.”

“Will do,” the blonde replied, turning a bit in her chair so she could watch out the window. “I’ll probably just text you, but… don’t text and drive. Please.”

“I won’t, don’t worry.”

* * *

 

It was another five minutes before a nurse walked into the room, and Peridot was barely able to restrain herself from jumping to her feet and demanding information on her girlfriend’s current condition. Being aggressive was the absolute last thing she probably needed to do, and judging by the expression on the nurse’s face, there wasn’t any bad news to be told. Good. That was a relief.

“Lapis is stable and awake,” the nurse spoke with a smile. “I can take you back to see her right now. She should be able to move back to this room in about an hour as long as her condition doesn’t drop any more.”

Peridot completely lost her grip on willing herself to stay seated, jumping to her feet quickly enough that it woke up the baby in her arms and caused Malachite to let out a gurgly whining sound. She froze, afraid the newborn would start crying, but when she drifted back off to sleep the blonde quickly walked over to the nurse. She had fallen into enough of a state of shocked calm that she was almost surprised by how desperate she was to see the younger woman and be  _ absolutely sure _ that she was alright. “Take me to her,” she demanded none too gently - and briefly, she wondered how insane she must look.

The nurse nodded and led Peridot out of the hospital room and down the hallway, and the nerd followed behind like a lost puppy. The walk down seemed to be almost depressingly long, and more than once the blonde felt the need to shift her stepdaughter in her arms just to let out some anxious energy.

When she was finally led to a door at the end of what seemed to be the most endless hallway she had ever walked down in her life, Peridot allowed the nurse to open the door for her and then rushed in, slowing her pace ever so slightly due to a very vague sense of needing to be  _ extremely _ gentle at the moment. Lapis had just pushed a tiny human out of her, for Christ’s sake, and lost a bunch of blood because of it; she didn’t need her girlfriend bounding in like an entire pack of elephants and giving her a headache or something like that.

Said younger woman looked equal parts awful and good. She wasn’t dead, for one thing, and there was still some color to her cheeks, which was also good. Her hair was more than a bit ruffled by the ordeal, but she was in a clean hospital gown free of blood, and despite the dark circles under her eyes she didn’t look like she was in all that much pain. It took her a moment to register that Peridot was there, but when she did, her tired face lit up in a bright smile that made the blonde’s heart jerk almost painfully.

“Hey,” she spoke softly, walking over and sitting in the chair beside the bed. She shifted Malachite in her arm again so that she could gently take Lapis’ hand. “How are you feeling?”

“Hey,” Lapis replied, squeezing her hand with a still surprising amount of strength. “I feel like shit. But also good… like, I have a killer headache and my lower body is sore as fuck and I’m tired from just almost dying, but I’m… glad that it’s all over with, and I feel accomplished. It certainly helps a lot that you just came in,” She seemed to realize that Peridot was holding a bundle, and her head tilted, her smile growing a little. “Is that her?”

“Yeah,” Peridot replied with a small smile. “Malachite Lazuli is healthy, happy, and has been snoozing the beginning hours of her life away. Kind of like her mother in the morning,” She stuck out her tongue a little, but carefully leaned over so she could place the newborn in Lapis’ arms. The younger woman immediately protectively cradled the baby in her arms, and the blonde gently shifted the blanket out of Malachite’s face.

The expression of quiet awe and motherly love was enough to make Peridot almost giddy. “I called Rose too, she should be here in a little while,” she spoke quietly, though the statement was mostly ignored as Lapis was mostly just busy staring at her daughter. “Birth certificate hasn’t been filled out yet, but I’ll do that soon, and--”

“Peridot.”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up.”

Under most circumstances, the blonde would be offended, but at the moment all she could really muster was amusement and  _ relief. _ A small snort left her, and she leaned over to gently kiss Lapis’ cheek. “Sure, sure, as long as you promise not to almost die on me again. I don’t think I have the emotional strength to handle any more incidents like this.”

“Well, I’m not supposed to get pregnant again, so I don’t think this  _ exact _ issue is going to be a problem again…,” the blue haired girl replied, giving her girlfriend a shit eating grin. “But I can’t  _ promise _ that I won’t have another near death experience. Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.”

“Did you seriously just reference ‘Counting Stars?’”

“Maybe.”

Peridot rolled her eyes, leaning over to rest her head against Lapis’ shoulder. “I won’t let you risk your life if I can help it. I’m going to put you on a leash and tug you around everywhere I go so I can make sure you don’t throw yourself into harm’s way,” she joked, lightly poking the younger woman’s cheek and sticking out her tongue. “You’re going to be my new pet.”

“Wow, I didn’t know you were into petplay.”

“I’m full of surprises.”

Lapis rolled her eyes and rested her head against the headboard before gently stroking the newborn’s face with her index finger. The time for joking had passed, and several moments of silence followed as the two sat - the bluenette admiring the life she had created, and the blonde just exceedingly relieved that her family was all alive and together.

Family.

That was weird to think about. Weird, but wonderful. She had a family. A girlfriend and a stepdaughter… and she fully intended to keep them both safe, healthy, and cared for. The events of the morning catching up to her, Peridot closed her eyes, allowing herself to drift off to sleep knowing that everything would be just fine.

* * *

 

Lapis watched with a fond smile as her girlfriend fell asleep, then yawned herself. The day had been exhausting, and probably the most eventful she had lived through so far - even if it was only about ten in the morning. She needed a nap, desperately, but for the moment all she could really do was look at Malachite and think about… well, whatever came to mind. Most of it was her future, but most of it was just wonder at the worst thing that had ever happened to her leading to two of the best. She thought it was more than a little wonderful that the world worked that way.

On the one hand, she still had to deal with nightmares almost every time she slept, and she had flashbacks and breakdowns on random occasions that could be triggered easily and blew all the energy out of her for the next several days. That was definitely a negative consequence that she would have to deal with for the rest of her life - there was no avoiding that fact, certainly. But on the other, she now had an adorable and caring and smart girlfriend, a healthy and beautiful newborn daughter, and a life that was arguably better than the one she’d led before she was kidnapped and mistreated. It was strange to think about. Even stranger that it got harder and harder to truly wish that her trauma had never happened - it still crossed her mind frequently, of course, and there were times that she wished that it had happened to somebody else, but it was impossible to deny that things were good now.

No, not good. Things were  _ excellent. _ She had a future ahead of her. She had a  _ family, _ one that she loved with all her heart and would do anything for.

She probably needed to give herself several hours to think on it - but for the moment, she was exhausted, and so she gently placed Malachite next to her so as not to drop her and allowed herself to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? She's okay she's just a tired bean.
> 
> Comments would be lovely.


	28. Lapis' Conclusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot spends a lot of this chapter sleeping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would not advise playing Hot Potato with your newborn baby.

Things didn’t slow down until night fell, which Lapis found exceedingly frustrating - she had been run into the ground rather effectively by the events of the day; between actually having a baby, almost dying as a result, and Rose and Steven sticking around in the hospital room for hours in an excessively extended visit, the young woman was exhausted, and just wanted to nap for the next three or four days of her life. Peridot had promised that she would be the one to take care of Malachite should she wake up in the middle of that night, probably knowing that Lapis needed her rest, and she was increasingly grateful for that… even if the blonde had already passed out in the armchair.

Well. She supposed she couldn’t blame her. She was painfully aware that she had caused her girlfriend excessive amounts of stress and fear, and she almost felt a little guilty for it - sure, nothing that had happened was necessarily _her_ fault, and Peridot would never purposefully make her feel like it was, but she was still the cause for all the worry. Perhaps it was just her tendency to blame herself thoroughly for anything she was even mildly involved in - which was exhausting.

A glance at the newborn baby in her arms told her that Malachite was wide awake and blinking up at her inquisitively. Lapis carefully shifted the baby to hold her in the crook of one arm, leaving one hand free to gently shift the swaddling blanket out of her face. “You’re lucky you’re cute, you know,” she murmured quietly, gently brushing her lips against Malachite’s forehead in a maternal kiss. “You’ve already caused a lot of trouble, and you’re not even twelve hours old yet. I’m already scared of your teenage years, when you can actually do stuff on purpose.”

The newborn made a soft gurgling noise in response, and Lapis snorted vaguely. She yawned, covering her mouth with the back of her free hand, and contemplated momentarily whether or not to sleep with her daughter still in her arms - she wasn’t all that much of a restless sleeper, so she supposed it was more beneficial for both of them if she did. She hadn’t put her down yet anyway, and wasn’t entirely sure if she wanted to. So Lapis shifted back in the hospital bed so she could lay back, one arm holding Malachite in a resting position on her chest.

She almost managed to achieve sleep, but the opening of the room’s door and the part of her mind still dedicated to being paranoid forced her to return to alertness. Expecting a nurse - but still more than a little grouchy - she lifted her head to look over at the doorway… and immediately tensed.

The tall figure of Blue Diamond was not difficult to recognize, even if she hadn’t been thoroughly involved in her daughter’s life. Lapis bit down the urge to instinctively grip her newborn even tighter, staring as her mother approached and sat at the edge of her bed. Her hood was pulled down to reveal a curtain of straightened black hair, and an uncomfortable silence settled between them. The young woman wanted to speak, but couldn’t for the life of her figure out what exactly she was supposed to say to the parent that had unintentionally neglected her for seventeen years and completely failed to be around for one - so she settled for the first thing that popped into her head, however rude it may have seemed.

“How did you get in? Visiting hours were over an hour ago.”

Blue Diamond blinked and glanced at her momentarily before looking towards the wall instead. Her mother had never been easy to read, always stoic and apparently unfeeling, so Lapis couldn’t effectively tell what she might be thinking. She hoped she was remorseful - that was a little mean-spirited, but she couldn’t help it. “They let me in because I am your mother,” she finally replied slowly, her accent thicker than Lapis remembered it. “I had proof of your birth and my identity. They are very relaxed when it comes to letting close family in after visiting hours have concluded.”

The young woman supposed that was understandable, but she didn’t feel any less bitter about her mother practically abandoning her. She turned her attention to Malachite instead, watching her daughter’s face - she found that kept her calm. It was hard to be upset when looking into the eyes of a newborn. “I don’t understand why you decided to visit at all. Or how you figured out where I am after dodging around people trying to contact you for three months,” Lapis spoke in a voice barely above a whisper. Regardless of whether or not she was close to losing her temper, there wasn’t any getting rid of bitterness. She supposed she would have to work on that at some point.

“I thought you were dead,” Blue Diamond confessed, a frown clear on her face. “After you disappeared and we failed to find you, I got very… pessimistic. I left. I changed my phone number and went back to Hawaii - and I refused any attempts to contact me, because I assumed they wanted to let me know that they had found your body, and I did not think that I had the emotional strength to go to my only daughter’s funeral,” she put a hand on Lapis’, who had to fight the urge to wrench her extremity away. “But even then, my behavior was not excused. I am sorry, Lapis. Not just for this - I - I was never a very good mother, and I regret it. My apology most likely means nothing. But please know that I am… I regret everything wrong I have done so much. I am sorry. I do not expect you to forgive me.”

Lapis sighed tiredly, studying her mother’s face for any signs of manipulation or dishonesty… and, finding none, she found it almost depressingly hard to remain angry. “I can’t say that it’s okay,” she finally responded, glancing away. “But I can say that I forgive you. Assuming that you actually make an attempt to be a part of my life from now on. And don’t disappear on me again.”

Blue Diamond nodded slightly, and silence enveloped the two of them again. It was less uncomfortable than previously, but still awkward nonetheless. Lapis was starting to feel like she was about to fall asleep, only to be snapped back to consciousness when her mother spoke again. “May I hold her while you sleep?”

She hesitated, mildly afraid to let go of her newborn, even for a moment. Eventually, she did hold out Malachite, allowing Blue Diamond to take her in her arms gently. Too tired to be as paranoid as she normally would be, she allowed herself to drift off to sleep.

* * *

 

“Oh, my god, I think this is the happiest I’ve ever seen you,” Peridot commented as Lapis burst into the apartment after four days spent in the hospital. The bluenette rolled her eyes in response, looking around just to make sure nothing had changed in the time they’d spent away; she knew it was a little ridiculous to be worried about it, but at least the blonde didn’t make fun of her for it.

“I was homesick,” she shrugged, holding Malachite in the crook of her arm. “It’s been four days. Almost a week. I was getting _really_ sick of laying around in a hospital bed with nurses and Rose and Steven and my mother breathing down my neck,” Granted, she wouldn’t have been able to get up if she wanted to, because she had _just_ stopped being sore everywhere from the waist down, but that was besides the point - she was tired of being babied, mostly.

“Not me, though?”

“I will _never_ get tired of _you_ constantly worrying about and checking up on me. Because you’re cute and also I love you,” she stuck her tongue out, leaning against a wall. “But hopefully you’ll remember that there’s an _actual_ baby that’s helpless and needs to be catered to,” and with that, she lifted Malachite slightly as if to show her off, keeping one hand supporting her neck. Said newborn gurgled slightly, and probably would be wriggling if she wasn’t tightly swaddled in a green blanket. “That’s kind of our job for the next eighteen years.”

Peridot jumped slightly and reached out, taking Malachite from Lapis’ hands, cradling her in a much more secure position. “Please don’t hold her like that, you could drop or hurt her,” the blonde scolded lightly, and the younger of the two stuck her tongue out in response. “But yeah, I know. You’re not gonna stop me from being worried about you nonstop. And her. I’m basically going to be an anxious wreck for the rest of my life because of you two, and it’s going to kill me, but I love you anyway,” Peridot sniffed slightly, and Lapis felt bad momentarily until she was flashed a light grin.

“I appreciate your honesty,” she responded, crossing her arms. “I think it’ll all be worth it, though, because I love you too,” and with that, she skipped forward a step to lightly brush her lips against her girlfriend’s cheek. The blush she received in response was enough to make her own face turn slightly pink… and she used this opportunity to take Malachite back. She supposed it must have been annoying for the newborn to be taken back and forth between the two of them, and this was confirmed by a disgruntled little noise.

“Jesus, I feel like you’re trying to play Hot Potato with the baby,” Peridot shook her head slightly, but did let Lapis keep Malachite this time. “Probably not the best idea.”

“You make it sound like I’m going to throw her across the room to you.”

“Please don’t.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

Night eventually did fall, and with it came quiet peace interrupted only by the occasional car passing by outside. Peridot had passed out several minutes earlier, and Lapis remained curled up on her lap, head resting against her chest and sleeping baby held between both of them. It was a little weird for her, being the only one awake, but she supposed it wasn’t an entirely new experience.

She tilted her head slightly to look at Peridot’s face, and her heart melted into a thick goo at the bottom her chest. The blonde still looked mildly annoyed despite being fast asleep, but to Lapis she was nothing but adorable. She loved her - she was, ever so slightly, worried that they had rushed things, but the way she was feeling did a fairly good way of reassuring her. All she could really do was hope that her heart never changed, that everything would be just fine from now until the day she died.

Glancing at Malachite also reassured her - she was eternally surprised by the fact that _she_ had made something so small and pure. Or, well, something so small and pure had been able to come out of her, especially considering the circumstances surrounding it. And even more surprised that things had worked out enough to have her girlfriend accept and be fond of the newborn. It was… more than a little bit nice; it was _ideal._

Everything was going to be okay. She was convinced of and confident in that, enough that paranoia no longer completely gripped her in the middle of the night. Lapis yawned, eyelids growing heavy, and allowed them to close, drifting off into the darkness and peace of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HO MAN ONLY TWO CHAPTERS LEFT. Peridot's conclusion and the epilogue. I MIGHT CRY.
> 
> Comments appreciated.


	29. Peridot's Conclusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She wouldn’t change the way things were turning out for anything - that much, she was sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter left after this one. I'm going to try for tomorrow or Thursday.

“You should register for online high school,” Peridot suggested rather suddenly over dinner two days after returning home from the hospital. She had decided to speak quickly, get the talking out of the way in hopes that it might make Lapis take it a little better than she normally would. “I know you don’t like going out in public and talking to strangers and I know you’re too busy with Malachite to leave her alone for seven hours, so online classes would probably work. You probably need a high school diploma - to prove to people that you’re capable if nothing else.”

The younger woman was silent for several moments, and the blonde awkwardly poked at her pasta with her fork and squirmed as she waited for Lapis to respond. “They aren’t going to teach me anything useful,” she spoke slowly, dark blue eyes glancing up to meet Peridot’s green. “I never saw much of a point in high school when I was going, and I don’t see much of a point now. I don’t need to graduate to be able to do art commissions, and I don’t need a fancy piece of paper telling me I wasted four years of my life for an ‘education’ to be a mother.”

“I know,” Peridot shrugged helplessly. She didn’t really think that she had much of an argument against Lapis’ stubbornness - it was logical in her eyes to finish off schooling, but to her girlfriend it just  _ wasn’t. _ “But if art ever fails you or if you ever want to actually seek employment, you won’t be able to get past a part time job at McDonald’s if you don’t have a high school diploma. It wouldn’t even take all that long if you really rush it; six months maybe. And I know you’re smart enough to pull it off.”

The bluenette hesitated, biting her lip, and the blonde worried if she maybe felt like Peridot was pressuring her into finishing school. That was probably the only way that Lapis would agree, but she really didn’t want to  _ force _ her to do anything; it might ruin their relationship, or make the younger woman resent her for the rest of their lives. Peridot took a deep breath and glanced away, speaking quickly through the panicked guilt that was threatening to settle over her chest and make her limbs shaky and jittery for the next hour. “You don’t  _ have _ to. But I feel like it would be ideal for your future - and probably give people less grounds to assume you’re a bad parent. I mean, mothers that dropped out of high school and never bothered to finish tend to get a bad rap, so…”

Lapis snorted faintly, causing Peridot’s gaze to flit back to her quickly. “I know you’re trying to think of what might be best for me, but I don’t think I have the time to go back and finish off my high school. Or the will. But if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll think about doing it when Mala gets a little bit older. I’m not making any promises, but… in a few years. Maybe.”

Peridot nodded. “That’s sensible.”

Dinner was finished in a peaceful and comfortable silence, occasional teasing or small talk occurring. By some miracle, the baby in the next room remained asleep as her mother and stepmother ate, and even part of the way into cleaning up; unfortunately, however, she did start crying as they worked together on the dishes, resulting in Lapis sitting on the counter with a baby in her arms and Peridot washing the saucepan on her own. She didn’t really mind, considering the needs of a newborn kind of trumped hers, but it would have been nice to have a little help.

“I have to go back to work tomorrow,” she stated rather bluntly; she didn’t really know another, more gentle way of saying things. She probably needed to learn eventually. “Are you going to be alright all day by yourself? I feel kind of bad leaving you on your own so soon.”

“Peri, you’ll only be gone for like eight hours,” Lapis responded, and Peridot didn’t need to look over to know that she had rolled her eyes goodnaturedly. “I  _ think _ I can handle it. You won’t come home to me, I don’t know, burning the whole building down or something. Probably.”

The blonde knew she had been joking, but that was a possibility she was genuinely worried about; then again, she was worried about almost every possibility of something going wrong. Most pressingly the probability that her girlfriend would get overwhelmed and have a breakdown while she was gone. Still, she swallowed it down, forcing a shocked gasp and putting her hand over her chest. “I certainly  _ hope _ not. Can you imagine how much we’ll have to pay in damages? And, Jesus, that poor old lady a floor under us would never be able to get out of the building on time. We’d have to go to a funeral.”

“You’ve never even talked to her,” Lapis scoffed, gently bouncing Malachite and watching her rather than Peridot. She would have been jealous if not for the awareness that envying a baby was an absolutely ridiculous notion. “Why would we have to go to her funeral?”

“Her rich son from England would come home and be so emotionally compromised that we’d have to follow him around out of guilt to make sure that he doesn’t have a complete mental breakdown from the agony of regret. He never did spend enough time with his beloved mother, and now she would be dead, and it would be all your fault because you decided to burn down Barnmate Apartments,” Peridot clicked her tongue, honestly kind of impressed with her own ability to come up with a wild story on the spot. “And it would technically be my fault, too, since I left you on your lonesome all day.”

“Poor son from England,” the younger of the two sighed heavily, shaking her head in joking sorrow. “It probably wouldn’t be very wise to follow him around and try to keep him in line, though. What if he finds out it was us and shoots us both dead, leaving poor Malachite orphaned to slowly begin to detest both of us because she wouldn’t understand why we left her when she was so young. Do we really have it in us to do that to her?”

“I don’t think so,” Peridot feigned a heavy sigh of defeat, shutting off the faucet to lean against the counter next to where Lapis was seated. A thin hand gently brushed through her blonde hair, and she had to bite down a content purr; she would probably be teased for the rest of her life if she did that. “Though maybe English son would fall in love with your quiet strength and end up stalking  _ you _ instead of the other way around, and I would have to kill him just to keep him away from you”

“Why would you have to kill him when I could always just reject him?”

“Do you honestly think English son would be the sort of guy to know the meaning of the word ‘no?’”

“Eh. Fair point,” Lapis shrugged, though a small grin appeared on her face moments later. “We’re both dorks, ever realize that?”

“Constantly. But it’s great.”

* * *

 

Her phone alarm going off at half past six was what roused Peridot from a deep sleep, albeit slowly. Half awake, all she was really sure of was the warmth of the bed and the warm body clinging to her, so it was with an annoyed growl that she grabbed her alarm clock from the side table, harshly throwing it so that it unplugged altogether. At least that shut it up, and she didn’t really care whether or not it was broken. It was her worst enemy in the quiet lull of six thirty in the morning.

She wrapped her arms around her girlfriend more tightly than before, but luckily, sleep didn’t take her over again. The grating beeping hadn’t woken Lapis up, thank whatever god there was for that, but she did make a soft sound and slur a couple of words at the movement. It took a good ten minutes for Peridot to gather up the will to blink open her eyes and glance down at the sleeping woman curled up with her, and as it usually did, her breath left her as soon as she saw her.

Her eyes were closed lightly, and her cheek was squished against Peridot’s sternum; her breathing was slow and even, and the blonde supposed that she must not be dreaming. That was good, she guessed; it let her mind rest more, kept away nightmares, and as nice as pleasant dreams could be, it was probably best for Lapis to not have any. The older woman gently pressed her lips to her girlfriend’s forehead, causing her to stir slightly, but luckily not awaken.

Peridot didn’t particularly want to move and have to push the younger girl off her, but she did need to get out of bed and go to work. That… didn’t sound very appealing, considering the warm safety under the blanket and the unwillingness to make Lapis move even unconsciously. With a heavy sigh, she tried to lift her head, only to flop back against the pillow with a small groan. Unfortunately, that seemed to make the younger woman stir, and half awake navy eyes blinked open to stare blankly at her.

“Wha’ssa matter?,” Lapis asked, her words barely understandable through the thick haze of sleepiness. It was… honestly kind of adorable. “‘s Mala awake?”

“No, she’s still asleep,” Peridot replied softly, gently running her hands through Lapis’ hair. “I just have to get up and go to work, and I don’t want to. Everything’s fine.”

“Noooooo,” the younger of the two whined, burying her face against her shirt. It was childish, but exceedingly adorable in the blonde’s eyes - which was just unfair. She didn’t get how the bluenette could just be cute  _ all the goddamn time _ , even at fucking  _ six in the morning. _ “I dun’ wan’ you to go.”

“I don’t wanna go either,” she replied with a heavy sigh. “Just go back to bed, Lap. I promise I’ll be back before five, okay?”

Lapis grumbled slightly, but her half awake mind seemed to be appeased, as she relaxed and slumped again. Her breathing slowed into sleep again, and Peridot sighed as she pulled herself out of bed. The blonde carefully tucked the blanket around her girlfriend, giving her a light kiss on the cheek and watching her peaceful face for a moment - and it took her a moment to process how weird her life had gotten in the last few months alone. She had gone from a single and miserable intern at a hospital to being a programmer with a roommate turned girlfriend and helping take care of a kid. This was  _ absolutely _ not how she had expected her life to go - but she supposed it was better this way.

Walking out of the room, she allowed a small smile to appear on her face. She wouldn’t change the way things were turning out for anything - that much, she was sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments/feedback would be appreciated.


	30. Epilogue: Five Years Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why did this take me so damn long, you may be asking yourself? It's just an epilogue, after all, it should have taken me two days to finish, tops!
> 
> Well, normally, I would agree with you, but here's the thing.  
> I have been writing this fic for eleven months and gotten almost depressingly attached to the AU that goes alone with it, I wanted to give it a good ending instead of something rushed to get it over with. I wanted an ending that would be somewhat satisfying but leave it open for a sequel if I choose to do so in the future. And that forced me to do FOUR DIFFERENT DRAFTS of the epilogue.  
> This is the one I decided to finish. I hope you all enjoy.  
> Thank you for sticking with me while I wrote this.

“We’re married,” Lapis felt the need to declare, laying down in the backseat of the taxi with her head in Peridot’s lap and her hand above her face so she could stare at the ring now announcing her relationship status. It wasn’t as flashy as the engagement ring she had worn for the last year, of course, but it felt… heavier, more permanent, in the best kind of way. Now that the wedding and the reception were over, everything had calmed down, and the younger of the two was in some odd place between ‘mildly tipsy’ and ‘absolutely ecstatic’ - maybe a combination of both.

“I know,” Peridot replied simply, gently stroking her hair and switching between watching Lapis’ face and watching out the window. It was the first real peace that either of them had gotten in the several hours since their wedding started - hell, maybe the last year since they had started  _ planning _ the wedding. Months of chaos and worrying and seemingly endless stress had paid off in the most satisfying way, and both women were more than a little happy with it. It was nice.

Five years hadn’t changed very much between them. Lapis finished high school, though she didn’t intend to attend college - working as a freelance artist made her a perfectly fine amount of money that could contribute to the income of their little family. She was still dying her hair blue despite the fact that it got her a lot of disapproving looks, and she was still working on overcoming her social anxiety and inability to communicate verbally very well - though things had gotten hectic to an extreme level, being an actual family woman had helped immensely (anyone who tried to bother Malachite or Peridot could count on getting a rather intense talking to from a very angry Lazuli). She wasn’t perfect, not by a long shot, but she was doing better than she had been five years previously.

Peridot was, in all meanings of the word, doing well. She was much happier with her little family and her well paying job than she had been as a grumpy intern earning just enough to support her slightly unhealthy lifestyle. She was one of the best programmers for the company, most of her coworkers thought so, and those in charge of her paychecks were desperate enough to keep her working there that they stubbornly rose her wages whenever a rival cropped up. It wasn’t necessary - the blonde would be perfectly content in such a stable job  _ without _ the raises - but not really unwelcome. (It allowed her to spoil the  **shit** out of her wife and stepdaughter, after all.)

Malachite was a happy, if sometimes rebellious, child. She had recently started kindergarten, and though at first her teachers had complained about her inability to get along with her classmates (especially a girl named Alexandrite, who she would regularly get into actual physical fights with), she had slowly started to mellow out. She threw some of the most dangerous temper tantrums that Lapis had ever seen, but she was beginning to get a bit better at  _ not _ breaking things - her untamable mane of white hair had a tendency to reflect her personality. When she was happy, though, she was the sweetest little girl that either of her parents could hope for, all smiles and laughter and cuddles. She was smart for her age as well, able to figure out when something was wrong based on context clues and circumstances - if she wasn’t excessively angry and excitable, then she could tell when to back off.

She was alright when she was asleep as well, like right at that moment - the five year old was leaning against Peridot’s side, snoring softly with her little hands gripping her stepmother’s tuxedo jacket. She had actually worn herself out rather early into the night, falling asleep at the bridal party’s table, but she had stubbornly refused to leave the wedding reception with Rose when the woman had noticed she was passed out; she wanted to stay until her moms had to go, too. She had woken up briefly when they carried her out to the car, but for the most part she had been out cold for the last several hours.

The cab pulled up to their apartment building, and the two women thanked their driver and slipped out of the car, a few twenties forked over in the process. Lapis yawned, straightening out the puffy skirt of her dress (an overly large thing that wasn’t really her style but her mother had insisted on) and grasping her wife’s hand. Peridot shifted Malachite slightly on her shoulder so the child could remain asleep and lightly squeezed the extremity in hers.

A sort of quiet happiness went unspoken between them, though both women were exhausted in every sense of the word. The walk to the elevator was spent in a comfortable silence, and the bluenette rested her head on her wife’s shoulder, trying to resist the urge to fall asleep before she even reached the apartment. “Can I get a rain check on wedding night sex?,” she joked, gently nudging Peridot’s side with her elbow and grinning slightly when the older of the two snorted in amusement. They hadn’t exactly been putting effort into remaining ‘pure,’ having been comfortable enough to do the deed regularly for a couple of years now - it wasn’t the biggest loss ever to be too exhausted.

“Aw man, Lapis, we only get one wedding night,” the blonde replied in a playfully disappointed tone - it was fairly clear to the bluenette that she really didn’t care. “We only have the rest of our lives to get as much sin as possible in. If you consider it relative to how long the entire universe has been in existence and is going to be in existence, that’s equal to… what… the blink of an eye? Maybe less.”

“Dude, we’re twenty three and twenty six. I think you’re a little young to be having an existential crisis right after really good things happen.”

“My entire life has been one long existential crisis.”

Lapis snorted and gave Peridot a little kiss on the cheek, taking great glee when her wife blushed as a result. The elevator slowed and stilled when they reached the floor of their apartment, and before the younger of the two could take a step into the hallway, the blonde grabbed onto her shoulder to stop her. Lapis glanced back in confusion, and it only intensified when the sleeping Malachite was transferred to her arms. The five year old was a bit larger than average, but her mother was used to her weight, so it wasn’t all that difficult to hold onto her.

Peridot must have noticed her confusion, because she didn’t wait very long to give an explanation. “I’m going to carry you back. That’s what happens on honeymoons, right?,” she spoke simply with a shrug before literally sweeping Lapis off her feet, stumbling a little with the combined weight of mother and child. She was stronger than she looked, but she wasn’t exactly a bodybuilder.

“We aren’t going anywhere, though,” the bluenette protested half-heartedly - in truth, it was just as much a relief to get off of her aching feet as it was romantic. Peridot responded by giving her a light kiss on the lips, which was enough to make any will to argue die out.

“I took three weeks off work, Lap. It’s just going to be the three of us for a while. I’m pretty sure that’s all the honeymoon we really need.” She then proceeded to take a few stumbling steps forward, making Lapis giggle slightly in amusement. The younger woman supposed she really didn’t mind; she was mainly just concerned with whether or not Peridot would dislocate her shoulders and whether or not she would be dropped unceremoniously onto the ground.

“I guess you’re right,” she replied with a shrug, resting her head on her wife’s shoulder. The walk down the hall was fairly easy, if full of moments where Peridot would need to pause and catch her breath, and Lapis was set down at the door only so that they could get in. A kiss was given to the blonde to thank her for being physically active when she wasn’t really required to be - the bluenette realized with a little bit of amusement that there sure was a lot of smooching going on that night.

It was only appropriate, she supposed, considering they had just made a major legal commitment that was sealed with a kiss.

She was on cloud nine when the apartment door opened, and grabbed onto her wife’s hand with her free arm to pull her inside. Lapis had found something of a second wind, energized by her own happiness, and any tiredness resulting from the eventful day had been forgotten as she quickly brought Malachite to her bedroom, gently tucking her into bed and moving her wild hair out of her face in order to plant a quick maternal kiss on her forehead.

Quickly walking back out of the room, she all but threw herself at her wife, pressing their lips together in a deeper and longer kiss than the many pecks that had been exchanged between them. Pale hands rested against her sides, and her arms wrapped around Peridot’s neck; they were close, and Lapis was happy. Happier than she had ever thought she would be again; happier than she had expected to be even after such a momentous occasion as her own wedding.

It was overwhelming, but in the best kind of way.

“I love you,” she heard Peridot murmur softly as she was pulled a little closer and the kiss was ended. Lapis sighed contentedly and rested her head against her wife’s sternum, and the two began swaying back and forth in a slow dance to imaginary music.

“Well, I would certainly hope so. We did just commit our entire lives to each other,” the younger replied happily, closing her eyes in a pleased relaxation that was usually kind of difficult for her to achieve. “I love you too, though,” she added softly, glancing up through her bangs to give Peridot a wide and bright smile. In response, her wife pulled away slightly in order to lightly nuzzle their noses together.

“Are you happy?”

“Yeah. Are you?”

“Of course.”

A few more minutes of comfortable and domestic silence passed, Lapis and Peridot simply enjoying each other’s company for the passing peace that would go away soon enough. The calm almost made the younger of the two feel as though she was going to fall asleep standing up, her second burst of energy wearing off as quickly as it had come. The quiet of night was only interrupted by the occasional car passing by outside, as was only to be expected in the city.

“I don’t know about you, but I think it’s about time for us to go to bed,” Peridot finally spoke, stepping back and smiling warmly. “It’s been a long day, and we’re going to have to be all rested up when Mala wakes up and wreaks havoc in a few hours.”

Lapis was tempted to consult with her inner toddler and complain that she didn’t  _ want _ to go to bed, but the heaviness of her eyelids was telling her otherwise and the puffy dress she adorned was beginning to feel very uncomfortable. Pajamas and sleep sounded like heaven right about now, so she nodded and allowed Peridot to lead her back into the bedroom.

Changing was done with roughly the speed of a sloth, but within a few minutes they were curled up together under the warm safety of the covers, arms wrapped around each other as they intertwined. Considering it was a warm June day, it might have been more frustratingly sweltering if not for the exhaustion that commanded Lapis go to sleep right that very second.

“We’ll be together forever, right?,” the bluenette asked in a voice made quiet and unclear by the sleepiness claiming her. She just wanted to ask quickly; make sure so she could rest easily.

“Forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler alert: They continue to love each other forever.
> 
> If you want to read more by me, check out my profile for all the Lapidot goodness your heart desires. I'm writing three other multi-chapter fanfics, with a collection of one-shots, too. I have many more planned as well.
> 
> Here's an official Spotify playlist for this fic that I made a few months ago: https://play.spotify.com/user/teamchaosprez/playlist/3RI6yA1NZyWef7DccU69Yp


	31. Bonus Chapter: Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eleven months after Malachite's birth, Lapis spends some quality time with her mother over coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was commissioned by the lovely dew--dr0ps on tumblr, thank you x

Coffee with her mother was not something Lapis wanted to go through, nor something she was looking forward to - but she had promised herself that as soon as things had settled down on the home front and Malachite was a little less clingy, she would try to bond with Blue Diamond and make up for the time lost between them over the years. Even if she was beginning to be a little bitter about her giving up, she supposed that it would only be fair of her to give her mother a chance. If Lapis was making an attempt to start over and be better, she supposed the woman who raised her could, too.

The young woman took a deep breath to steel herself before opening the door to the cafe, hearing the bell tinkle overhead as she stepped inside and scanned the building for her mother. Finding no signs of the older woman, she made her way to the counter, distracting herself by studying the different pastries and caffeine that would be acceptable to order at breakfast - eventually, she decided on a simple coffee with cream and sugar and made her way to a back booth with the drink in hand. Even after sitting down, all she could really do was stare at the brown liquid and try to calm her heart rate.

Why was she this nervous to talk to her mother? She wasn’t entirely sure. It wasn’t like this would be the first time they talked in years; Blue Diamond had come over to visit a few times since Malachite was born, and it wasn’t uncommon for a text message exchange to happen. Maybe it was because this would be one of the first times they actually got one on one talk, face to face, with nobody else around, since… shit, before she’d even gotten kidnapped. That was sad to think about, but at least it kind of explained why her nerves wouldn’t leave her be.

She didn’t notice that she was being approached until a familiar tall woman sat across from her. Lapis blinked and glanced up at her mother, watching as blue eyes so similar to her own carefully observed her from across the booth. “Good morning,” Blue Diamond spoke in a calm and quiet tone, straightening the hood around her head slightly as she watched her daughter with a scrutinizing gaze that made her squirm. Mother daughter bonding had never been this awkward two years ago.

“Good morning, Mom. I, um, hope you don’t mind the spot I picked,” Lapis forced out, hating how her voice sounded about as nervous as she herself was. She wished she could relax and just stop worrying for a little while. “Have you been settling into the old house okay? It must be kind of hard to move away to escape thoughts only to come back and try to piece everything together again.” She couldn’t imagine even stepping onto the front lawn of her childhood home; the thought seemed too weird, or made it feel like the nostalgia would kill her if she tried.

“No, this spot is nice. Secluded. I like it,” her mother responded in the same faraway tone that she had always hated as a child, watching carefully out the window. “I’ve been settling in well. I never actually sold the house, and most of the furniture never left it. I think the weather is more difficult to adjust to than simply being back home - it always feels like it’s summertime in Hawaii. It’s beautiful there. I wish I’d gotten the chance to take you a few times when you were younger.” Blue Diamond turned her gaze to smile sadly at the young woman, and Lapis tried to avoid sinking back into the old leather of the booth. “I never really apologized for that. Never being there for you. Never taking you anywhere. I was always a horrible mother to you - I’m surprised you could find it in you to continue talking to me and wanting to have some sort of relationship with me. I’m sure that somewhere deep down you resent me for seventeen years of neglect, but - I  _ am _ sorry. I regret every day of it. I spent every day you were gone wondering how things could have been different if I’d just been a little bit less careless and stopped feeling sorry for myself for five minutes.”

Well, Lapis didn’t know how to respond to that. She hadn’t been expecting a heartfelt apology from her mother when she agreed to meet her for coffee - maybe the awkward conversation, but an actual ‘I’m sorry?’ Never in a thousand years. “Did you look for me?” she asked before she fully even processed that she was about to get the question out; if she only had that reassurance, then  _ maybe _ she could finally try and move past the bitterness towards Blue Diamond.

A small laugh left the older woman, but it wasn’t an  _ amused _ sound, it was more of a sad and regretful one that made Lapis feel a little guilty for ever being angry in the first place. “Did I look for you? Oh, God, Robyn.” The unexpected use of her birth name made her flinch slightly - that wasn’t even her legal name anymore, hadn’t been since some friends helped her forge some documents and change it. “I spent  _ weeks _ searching the streets for you myself. Rose handled the documents and the phone calls, but for a couple of months - regardless of what she might tell you - I never rested. I almost got fired from my own company taking day after day off to ask everyone in the city if they’ve seen my daughter, my beautiful little girl with big blue eyes and long dark hair. I actually  _ prayed _ for the first time in years for your safe return, sometimes I would talk to a picture of you, promising to buy a new surfboard or a more advanced drawing tablet if you would just come home. Promising that I’d stop being an awful mother the moment I saw you standing in the house again. And when I eventually lost hope, I broke. I couldn’t stay in the house with all the reminders of my mistakes anymore. I left. And I regret not searching a little harder every day. I regret not being there, waiting in the hospital, the moment you were found.”

The honesty hit Lapis fairly hard, and she had to just sit for a moment to process anything. She didn’t think her presence had been missed while she was rotting away in a room full of mirrors; part of her hadn’t been fully convinced that her mother even cared about her since she was very young. Unfortunately, it also became a little difficult to hold onto the remaining threads of bitterness when she knew how much Blue Diamond had tried to get her home, both physically and spiritually, even if she hadn’t been the most productive with it. “I didn’t think you ever really cared, since you were never really around too much when I was growing up. When you weren’t around when I was finally freed, I kind of thought you were relieved to be rid of whatever burden I placed on you.”

“You were never a burden,” her mother sighed the response, reaching over and gently taking one of Lapis’ hands in her own. The young woman tensed, but allowed it. “There’s no excuse for my neglecting you the way I did, Lapis, and I’m sorry. I was a horrible mother, and I can’t hide behind my depression or how much you remind me of your father to make it seem better. But I  _ can _ try to fix things with you in the present and try to be there for you now, right? I don’t know if you’ll ever truly consider me your mother, but I hope soon you can consider me family.”

The bluenette probably would have said something about being bitter and turned away if she was two years younger, but… she was tired of being angry. She was a mother now; she had an eleven month old baby at home and she needed to grow up and stop holding grudges sometime. It wasn’t like Blue Diamond not being there for her had led to her not having any nurturing; Rose had been around for that, thank the stars. And she did remember some points in time when things had been okay, days or weeks or months where her mother’s mental health picked up and they bonded.

“I don’t think I would’ve agreed to come out and see you if I wasn’t at least willing to try,” she finally replied with a soft sigh, gently squeezing her mother’s hand. “I don’t know if we can ever be really, really close, since I have Malachite to take care of and art to do and a relationship to maintain and just not a lot of free time. But we can try.” A small amount of hesitation as she looked away, trying to avoid eye contact. “And I never considered you anything but my mother. I mean, the closest other thing was Rose, and she’s always been more of an aunt than anything else. You’re the one that lived in the same house as me and read me bedtime stories whenever you were home to, even if you were having a bad mental health day. You’re the one who always told me stories about Dad because I never got to know him and you’re the one who provided for me for seventeen years. You’re my mom, and even if I was kind of bitter about you not being around as much as I would’ve liked that hasn’t changed.”

Silence followed, and it took a lot of strength after having just poured her heart out to look back over at Blue Diamond. There was a small smile on her mother’s face that seemed so unfamiliar with how miserable she had always been throughout Lapis’ childhood. “Thank you, Lapis,” she spoke softly, gently releasing her daughter’s hand and returning it to her lap, folded with its twin. “Maybe we could do something like this every Thursday, or something of the sort?”

“That sounds good to me,” the young woman responded with a small sigh, turning her attention back to her coffee - it was definitely lukewarm by now, but she drank the rest of it nonetheless. She had a long day coming up, and the conversation had tired her to a point where she was going to need the caffeine to get through it. She hesitated for a while as awkward silence settled overhead again, wanting to continue talking but not wanting to seem odd. “You know, I had a few dreams about you while I was pregnant with Malachite. You told me you were proud of me.”

“Well, those dreams were not entirely unrealistic, because I  _ am _ proud of you.” Blue Diamond smiled, before glancing at a clock on the far wall and rising to her feet. “Oh, I need to go in for a meeting to see if I can get my old job back. I’m sorry this carried on for longer than planned. Can we work out the details of next Thursday when I come over to babysit Malachite while you do your online classes? I’d love to do something a little different from coffee every week.”

Lapis nodded and got up as well, straightening out her skirt. “It’s alright. And yeah, I’d like that. She was a little startled when her mother suddenly moved forward and wrapped her arms around her - the young woman tensed slightly at first out of surprise, but eventually did return the embrace with a slight squeeze. “I’ll call you if any plans change. Maybe I’ll even come over with Malachite for a surprise visit one of these days while Peridot’s at work.” Not that it was too far fetched to assume she’d do that, now that they had actually talked things out; Lapis was an impulsive person.

“I’ll make sure to keep the door unlocked, then,” Blue Diamond responded in an amused tone before pulling away and walking out of the coffee shop, waving slightly at her daughter through the window before climbing into her car and driving away. Lapis was left smiling faintly, and as she, too, left and began walking home, she found that she was in a far better mood than she had been arriving.

Coffee with her mother was not something Lapis had wanted to go through, but now she was more than a little glad that she had worked up the courage to carry out the planned meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boy can you guys believe this fic is over a year old because i sure can't

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Eagle And Blue Jay](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9811088) by [GeneralR0gu3P1an3t](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeneralR0gu3P1an3t/pseuds/GeneralR0gu3P1an3t)




End file.
